Tried to blog a few days back. Mindblock. So yup, didn't. Haiz... whatever the heck is wrong with me, someone make it right... I am dropping points left and right, and not just in terms of studies. At first, my head was there but my heart was not. Now, even mere acquaintances can sense that neither my heart nor my head is there. Did I give up unconsciously? Or am I falling into a trap willingly? I've never lost control of my head before... not in this manner at least. A world with few emotions, mostly focused on the passion for competition and winning. Yet now, even I question myself. Not that I doubt myself, I just doubt whether being right is that important. I've always been that competitive, but still, my life is kinda devoid of vibrance for some time. Others see nothing but my results and assume. I'm finding it meaningless. Nothing can quench my desire to be no.1, or so I assume. But that process of getting is long, weary, littered only with occasional outbursts of colour and stimulation. I feel so useless. For all I can achieve, I am hardly happy or satisfied. Some people would love to be in my position, but I guess the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence.

I feel bloody useless. I lack courage. I lack focus. I lack so many things. No, its nothing about self-confidence. If I were to really take action for most things against most of my peers, I would definitely be 100% sure of success. But I don't dare to face myself. I don't dare to face my desires. I don't do what I really want to do. I don't dare to take action this time, for fear of all things. I am so torn, I can barely concentrate. Numbing myself with food and games, but right now during the common test, this is dangerous so to say. But in a way, I don't really care anymore. If someone were to tell me I failed, I would be devastated, but not really in the way I would have been before. The pressure of performing... some of you just think that I can depend on talent all the way. My parents see me playing com games and assume that poly is easy. My peers see me slack in class and lectures, and assume I study hard at home. And some think that I can be answer key despite all that. Well, I would say that I study smart for sure, but with hardly any intensity these days. My body's in the game, but my heart and mind are not. No matter how foolish I am, even I will not assume that I can perform in this instance.

Been deleting all my negative posts before this one, but decided not to this time. If I cant face myself at my worst when I am at my best, then I will probably be stuck in this rut forever. Dumb, sad, tired, and lonely, that's me at the moment. I so wish there is someone I can unburden myself to, someone who can understand and empathise.... Which actually probably is the root of all these challenges. I'm like a tangled know of emotions right now, an idiot who has been burying everything inside, and in the process of trying to overcome fear, just became more and more fearful...

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

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Remembering what life is.....
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