What is it like to lose totally? Lose until you have nothing to say? I've been asking myself that, and I don't know the answer. And I don't wish to know. Sometimes, I wonder what a loss really stands for... Heart-wrenching pain? Or failure? Disappointment? Or bitterness? It takes a lot of effort to win, but how much effort does it take to recover from a loss? Maybe it has been much easier for me. I've never experience much failure, and for many of those, I was right on about what went wrong and made amendments for those, which eventually in me achieving the result. Perhaps, the people who have had to recover from their losses are far stronger than me. I don't know. I really don't. Hailed to be a talent, supposed to be brimming with potential, but I feel like a fool. Screwed. And screws loose. Maybe. :P Never could keep myself down for too long. But wonder if I'm trying too hard to be having fun.

Had table topics today. Knew I had mindblock, was too exhausted, so asked Madeline to just keep it to 1 min for me. Knew I had to rely entirely on everything but content. Lol. Good thing it still seemed to turn out fine. Jin's OCOM rocks too. And I volunteered to be ah counter cause long time no practice le. Must do it before I get back to toastmasters. Lol. And I was already lenient lor... Please lah, I'm not out to screw anyone, I've never bothered to... I don't even break the rules for myself usually, unless its an extreme situation, where something has gone horribly wrong. Asked Mr Lee about Jin's OCOM grade, since I thought he did quite well. He said he had to keep down the no. of As. TB27 had 5 As lor. Haha. We only have 3. But with 78%, coupled with what Mr Lee can top up for him from participation, I think Jin can still do well! :D

Read CK's blog. Must really talk about this guy. Haha. Here's what he wrote about me:
"josh! wen i 1st met josh....i was wondering whether is he a human? the 1st ting i heard abt him was "I have 17ccas!"loLS....i was lyk stunned....he is a xtremely smart n hardwking guy....if theres the most hardwking award in NP...im pretty sure u will getit....hahahas...josh has given many perspectives n tings 2 improve myself in life...=)...thx josh! still looking 4ward 2 catching a movie wif u....we hav nvr ever do so even we seems 2 noe each other 4 soooo long....hiaz...nevertheless, u r the best!LOls...."

Must clarify, I reduce no. of CCAs le. To like 6. Haha. Smart is debatable. Hardworking... think lizhen even more hardworking than me sia. Lol. But thanks for that anyway! The movie thing, it took jackson, kelvin and me 8 months to watch. But I think we will watch it sooner. Haha.

And my turn to talk about CK. CK is a totally power guy. Haha. He complements me quite well I think. We have different working styles that seem to cover quite a bit for each other. I'm more of a visionary when in "on the game" mode and to get things done, I need to be "in the game". But CK is different from me, in that he makes sure that there is a game to play, and he makes sure that people play the game along with him. So unlike me in a way. But in others, we are also quite alike. I think that it is no coincidence I met him. If not leo club, then chess club, passion synergy, or something, there is no doubt he is one of the few talents I would have been looking for in NP. :D He's very reliable, always follow up, and best part is, he gives me new perspectives too. Need to learn from him as well. Most people ask "How many star players can there be in a team?" I think we should be asking,"How many and who are the players we should have to make an all-star team?" If I ever need a star player (which I definitely do), CK would be one of the first few I will call to mind. There remains 1 challenge yet.. who's the leader? Haha. But we will sort that out. As long as it is for the good of the team, I think we will all sacrifice to get the best possible result. I think the bonding we have (as in the Leo/SIFE team) is quite special. Haha.

Anyone who ever wants to challenge me, welcome. :P Competition will only make me work harder. Haha. For all the rubbish I talk about working smart, working hard is part of working smart too. And I do think that when it comes to producing projects that I judge to have a significant value, I work far harder than most people realise. And when you consider the opportunity cost of my time, as well as the fact I've hardly had much sleep over the past 9 months, it sucks when I dun even get thanked properly. I admit that I have so many faults of my own, but at least I take pride in my work. By not even acknowledging my effort, its almost a direct insult to me. I'm an easygoing person, but when it comes to what I consider important, I hope people don't try to cross me.

Ok, even my mood gets worse as I blog. Lol. Wonder what the affliction with us is about. So much to look forward to. Such a huge gap I'm opening up. And many things are going the right way. And I think even about being more free, I've been there too. But things change fast. Maybe I'm just not adaptive? If it hadn't been answered, I wouldn't have bothered to think much about it. But just to get the real answer now is bugging at me. I need to focus. Haha. Jason was feeling kind of moody too. Maybe its the pressure? Maybe I need to take a break? Haha. For what he's going through now, I think I've been in his shoes, much as what I went through before, he did too. Together, we can pull through. I just cannot afford to be distracted, but who can say what truly is distracting me? The books say the heart always knows, and if thats the case, then my heart is closed to me. Did I seal it shut, or was the door never opened?

Too many things are happening with too many people now. And I'm like a spider in the middle of a web, feeling the tremors going through it. I want to help, but feel helpess. I want to motivate, but fear losing my motivation. I want to ask, but don't want to know the answer (for many questions). I want to be there, but I hardly have time for myself. Is it any wonder I'm a cracking fool. Haha. A phrase flashes in my mind, "Life wasn't meant to be a struggle". The question I have in mind now is, if getting motivation from life isn't from the desperation of the struggle, then where do we get the inspiration from? I'm a fool, over-indulging myself in rhetorical thoughts. I read all those stuff from the motivational speakers and authors, and saw that their techniques would work. Yet when I am embroiled in it myself, I find myself NOT using them deliberately. What a joke. Humanity's tendency to over-indulge themselves, or a glaring weakness of mine? Or is it that the future I once saw no longer holds promise, because it lacks the vividness and passions of today? Did I lose my clarity, or am I on a path to greater achievement?

Being Josh really is like a seriously tiring job. What I'm feeling is like.. I need to get out of this (s)hell. And find someone or people who can bring out the best in me. Besieged by tons of feelings and thoughts. I let things take their course... with my guidance... and sometimes with a very heavy hand. Haha. Is there much to live for and look forward to? Definitely. It hasn't been an easy job achieving what I did. But the true challenge may be in giving it up. I don't know. How much will I sacrifice for any one cause or person? Will that decide how my life turns out?

Question after question. I think thats a recurring syndrome in this post. And quite a few without answers. All ends lay within myself though. I'm the only person who really decides how these will turn out... except for 1 special case. Haha. Doesn't take a genius to figure out that I'm not depressed or thinking of giving up, but just feeling tired, confused, and screwed. Maybe I should take some kohkoh pills to get high, alcohol to conk myself out (i'm of legal age now :D), and get a screwdriver.

Doesn't seem close to happening though. If only I held the skeleton key for all locks...

Remembering what life is.....
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