Entrepreneurship Is A Lifestyle

2007-06-12T02:31:00.000+08:00

After such a long period of inactivity, I'm back to post. Haha. Many things have happened since I last updated. But too lazy to state all. Common test, CCA, Poly forum briefing... blah blah... Sibei sianz...

Very disappointed in myself. Lol. So so behind. Got the knowledge but not the motivation. Got the motivation but not the courage. Got the enthusiasm but not the responsibility. Bah. Like Mark Joyner puts it, I'm in an asylum surrounded by invisible mental and psychological walls. Its so stupid. Stuff I can do, but won't. Stuff I want to do, but dun dare. Stuff I initiate, but am unable to follow through. Amidst all of this, of what use are accolades lauded on me. Of course its better to get them than not, but sometimes, I wonder what the heck I am doing and how the heck it ended up like that.

Not to say I am not putting in any effort. Keep winding down all of a sudden nowadays. Haha. Sleep at airport BK. Just now was sleeping at clubhouse. And of course as usual sleep in lectures. However little stuff I take on now doesn't seem to make much of a difference. Ok lah, actually, I know what the damn problem is. I know I need to focus, but I am not ready to do it. Can I just throw my studies away? Can I ignore everything else for the sake of improving my chess? Can I do anything less than to commit 100% to my business should I choose to start 1? Am I not duty-bound to finish all the work yet left undone? Can I ignore any of my CCAs now? And can I not work on SIFE, when I believe so much in it? When I want to let others have the opportunity? Most importantly, can I resist the temptation to do it all at one go?

One of the greatest dilemmas I've faced is exactly this... To have learnt, yet be unable to apply because I am unwilling to apply... This makes for a very stupid Josh, but I'm stubborn. Oh well. The debate of how smart or how stupid I am is certainly interesting enough. I cant decide for myself even. here's the stupid question... What good is what I've learnt if I dun put it into action?.... VS What good is what I've learnt if I dun put it ALL into action.... but can I? The more I learn, the more stupid I become? Dumbass. Lol. And I cant stop myself from continuing to read and learn, can I? Is it smarter to just take 1 system and follow it all the way through.. or is it better to take what I believe to be the best out of several systems in an attempt to form an optimised 1?

Who can help answer my questions? Hahaha.... Blessed be those that hardly have to question themselves...

2007-05-29T23:15:00.000+08:00

I'm a changed person. Lol. It's gonna take some time, but I will bring myself out again. Thank you so much to WIMS speakers!!! Life's never gonna be the same again. Upon the wings of fate will I soar, blazing across the horizon to reach my destiny, and sharing the light with all that I know.

I've realised I was wrong. Then again, I wasn't ready then. I am now. Thank you, for another chance. Thank you, for giving me my life again, by having me seize control once more. Thank you, my friends, for without your help, I wouldnt have realised my challenges. Thank you life, that opportunities whiz into my life once more. Thank you, to myself, that I allowed myself to reach for my dreams.

Till death do us part, my dream. I WILL DO IT!!

2007-05-26T21:27:00.000+08:00

Enough bitching. Lets get to work. I never did expect the Pre-U Seminar to have such a huge impact on me.... Nvm, lets start from the beginning. Sun night never slp cos brushing up on FMGT slides that werent used due to some technical problem with Faith's com... Alamak. Then went for Pre-Uni Seminar. That was fast, wasn't it? :D

Monday- Reached school, then waited some time for bus, b4 w reached NTU. Got to know my room mate favian. He was the friend of my ex-classmate Yvonne from ex-TB30, such a nice coincidence. He's very nice. Mainly had ice-breaking, team bonding stuff, before we went Prima. Prima was a fun trip, as we got to explore the operations of a business 1st hand, as well as EAT. I dunno how much I ate on Mon. Haha.

Tuesday- Formal attire. Ooh. Hot. 6 meals in a day. Opening ceremony, I fell asleep, was too tired. Parallel presentation was cool. ACJC was really good- I particularly like the slide designs. My grp mate jazlyn was pretty cool too. Eh, talked with Rachel about Disney during panel discussion. I did keep an eye on the slides though. It was a very animated discussion. Lol. Hope she is able to achieve her dreams! We started work on the project....

Wednesday- Mainly project day... Jazlyn claimed Glen and I were not anxious, though compared with Rahul, we are probably light years behind. :D I was kinda worried about the proj throughout. Berlinda usually keeps quiet, but towards the submission timeline, she suddenly came to life. Very interesting thing to observe. Oh yea, and must thank her for her Sudoku game. Kept me awake. Lol.

Thursday- Istana trip. Won't comment much. The night was much better. Celebrated Sree's birthday and all, while sharing our thoughts and first impressions. Cool stuff.

Friday- I gonna miss them all. Haha. I was 1 of the 1st few to leave, so dunno what happened after that. Headed back to school. Blah blah...

Today- WIMS. Rocks. Cant wait for next 3 days.

So what conclusions have I reached? No.1 I need to find myself. Beyond the person Ken molded me into. I seriously dun have the stomach for anymore of this competitiveness, and having to endure all kinds of rubbish. As much as Ken has helped shaped me, this has been a serious drawback. Gonna redo a life plan later. Starting all over from scratch. Next, the JC people are far better than I thought. Yes, we poly students do hold an edge in some areas. But think about it. In their 1st year in Uni, they will already have made back for the difference in knowledge and skills. With their presentation skills, additional knowledge, background etc, once again, we will be placed at a disadvantage. Even more so for us guys who have to go NS. At least the JC people will have 1 year of being more in the game than us. So GG.

Maybe what I saw was the cream of the crop. But it still is enough. Compare no. of JCs to Polys, and compare the intake number. 1 class just needs erm... 3 of these elite, and we will have a hard time. We all need to work very very hard...

Finally, thank you so much to SG18. We ROCK. :D Hope to see you all soon!!! I'll never forget this event, so much I have gained from it....

2007-05-20T01:03:00.000+08:00

Been a hectic period. Dun even wanna think much about it. Made some mistakes. Some people made some mistakes too. I got pretty pissed off. Pissed some people off too. You know, life is just so stupid when you have to care... If I didn't care, I would probably be in a much better state on paper now... Haiz... Freedom... Seductive, delectable, yet fleeting.... May the winds lift us all up as our wings are pelted by the forces of the tornados...

What is it like to deliver a masterpiece? A masterpiece requires planning. Then it requires effort. Then it requires presentation. When we fail, do not blame. Do not wish that things were otherwise. Do what we can for the things that we can yet influence, while ignoring those that we cant. No point worrying for anything. Just do it. That's all I have to say.

When one doesnt speak up, we have no idea what u're thinking. For all my supposed brilliance, I'm an idiot when it comes to reading emotions. I can guess thoughts from a logical point of view yes, but when those are being affected by the way u feel, then what am I supposed to do? Please everyone... Just speak up. Make it short, make it snappy, and have everyone happy. The sooner the better.

I will assume all responsibility. Just dump it on me. Just make sure you don't regret it though, when the time comes from reflection. I wun retaliate. Cant be bothered. But one day, when things are looked at in a clearer perspective, you may yet realise that regret is truly the greatest pain of all...

Finally, I am so sorry. I feel kinda lost now. All the rubbish I cover myself in just makes it stink more I guess. I gotta do better. I will improve. Just give me time...

2007-05-15T03:40:00.000+08:00

Many things happen. Good and bad. Just feel like giving a tribute to some people....

My dear captain Jason!! Know I've disappointed him quite a few times, but he's always kept faith with me. Thank you so much!! He gives me a reason to stay in Chess Club, as well as reminds me to continue working for my dreams, for bit by bit, we will reach there one day. May your dreams come true as well as together, we soar towards the pinnacles of excellence!! He reminds me of all the things that I need to do... :D

Jackson!! Know I've been harsh on you sometimes, but I swear its for your own good! Always around to entertain me, never shrugging away from a challenge, and also the only person till now to have chiong all the way with me. Thanks man!! Lets have another fruitful 2 years together, shall we? Actually, we dun really know that much about each other too... Lol.. But we always wind up together despite that. Its a cool bond..... K Jack, ur hot :D

Kelvin!! From sitting beside me in lecture, to being incredible support, to listening to all my nonsense, and for sticking with me throughout, thanks a lot too!! Know I bitch alot sometimes, just gotta release stress. Haha. Remember that working hard does not equal working smart, and that the latter can often make up for the former... as long as the strategy is correct. Dun worry too much, enjoy the thrill of the adventure, as the melodies of business revolves around our ears...

Kenny!! From all the jokes, to the knowledge you share, the software, and some of the smiliarities we have, I think its been really interesting. We aren't that similar, yet aren't that same too. Hmm. Regarding passion... me feels that passion is yet another double-edged blade, as no matter how bright it burns, there comes a day when the heat gets to you too. Fire pumping in your veins may only incinerate you when you are unable to contain it. Maybe we should all be glad with what we have...

Lizhen... For being such an intriguing person. The same person whom talks to me about rumours flying about can show concern the next day, but turn sour later in the day. I just find tt interesting. Not to mention, her zealous attitude regarding schoolwork, her efficiency and ability, as well as her multitude of friends would probably have me signing up for her fan club if she had one. :D May the winds of fate circle around, that we may all find that which we seek... good luck to you!! (Ok, I admit it, she is incredible competition :D Dang, I love challenges!!)

Celia... For being nice, and having given me links to design stuff, that I may actually learn to do something with it all. For the help with projects, for helping with WCOM interview, and for your vote, thanks a lot. :D Classmate of the year. Lol. Realy glad to know her!! Oh, and the chocolate. Haha. May the smile remain on your face forever!!

Faith... For being a direct, entertaining, and honest friend. Though I wonder what wrong I did you in the 1st year :P, I suppose my rep is just shit. Glad to have a new classmate whom actually bothers to know me. And how is someone whom has no idea how to take care of herself ask me to do so. Hahaha.... Cherish your boyfriend, I think that he really is v.good for and to you!!!

Of course, there are other people who deserve to be on this board. But I tired le. Make it so that I cant bear to leave you out. :D

Have fun folks... And help me get more rest. Hahaha...

Kaez man... today itself went like this. Massive oversleeping. I woke at 2+? 10h of sleep. amazing. Erm, went school. The TOP Ceremony was boring, they even got my name wrong. Wtf. Then I went for A.Maths. Oh yah, I missed CMA, I emailed the tutor though. I got a generic reply, din know so many people missed class... Eh, A.Maths was freaking easy... functions??? Oh yah, CK lost his mum... sad for him too... Lemme see. Err, Lizhen was dressed very nicely, I love dark colours. Lol. Kwee Gek very pretty also. If I had stayed on, my parents would probably have asked me... Lol.. Like last sem. Good thing I had A.Maths. After I reached home, my parents said someone complained that I've been underperforming, and they proceeded to try to drill into me the concept of constant hard work. So sorry, I take that as a pile of bullshit. C'mon lah, they never been distracted meh?

I'm pissed off with myself. Where did my resolve fly to. I need to start winning again....

2007-05-12T23:57:00.000+08:00

And should it take eternity to look for the answer, for thus I shall gladly spend my life...

Friday... It was such a nice day to sleep. I told myself no breakfast to continue sleeping. I reached school at 9.05am. The room was locked. The teacher came at 9.25am. I could have had breakfast. Stupid. Then when the lecturer said she told all tutors to go through the 06 tutorial, he went through the 07. I dunno what's up with that. Blaw, I slept. Jaded. Haha. 1h was enough to recharge. Then accompanied Faith to buy flowers. Obviously I didnt buy. Then canteen 4 for lunch. ECD, I wasn't really paying too much attention, the concepts are frigging simple. Drink milo, eat choc, thats life. Lol. And Faith thought I was upset with her? Dunno what's up with that too. Went leo clubhouse, dumped my stuff, then went with jer, daryl, and yuan jin to see Mr Alan at SDAR. As usual he poke fun at me. Haha. But my calculations were correct!! I proved it to Miss Leong. Then BA CARES. = More work. Then went NYAA the camp committee selection thingy. Then went for dinner with kel, jackson, daryl. At hooked, where tricia used to work. The fish and chips quite nice. I BEAT JACKSON!! Yay....

Sat woke up at 5+? Had to reach school at 7, no choice. Reading powerpoint all the way. Lol. Erm, Pre-U sem gonna be damn fun. But why Prima, not muvee Technologies... Hahaha... Oh well, working with the elites gonna be interesting.... Ever seen a group in which presentation slots for speakers were taken up within seconds? Though I would have things to comment on their style of project work. Still, its unfair to judge when effectiveness of either style hasn't been shown. Went back to school for leo wave. I ended up eating. Lol. Nvm lah, I helped with logistics. A bit. I slept at last. Haha. 6 hours. Much better. Oh yea, where I gonna find 2 white shirts, when I have like 0? Then again, it is tea with the president at the istana, must go buy lor...

Then Lizhen told me about her friend who suicided. Reminded me of my old friend who did the same foolish thing. Yet, I always have this feeling that when they have already passed on, we shouldnt judge at all, but remember them for the good times they brought to our lives. Once again though, it made me recall what life really is about... possibilities... Though you may quarrel, as long as you're alive, you have to chance to make it up. So many other examples, but I'm too tired to type that much now. The snuffing of a life will cause hurt to everyone who knows that person... For though we may see it on TV, how many people can truly hate someone after they've moved on... I think that some will feel regret, others will wish that they saw the person for who they truly were, instead of being bias... Then again, no matter how great the lesson, the cost is huge indeed...

I'm very sian. Haha. Once thought that if I learnt to think totally strategically, then problems would be solved much faster. That's true to some extent. But I seem to have lost the ability to express and connect... Stupid. EQ = 0. Ok lah, the last time I took it, I was like 10 points below average. But still, I wish that I wasn't that stupid afterall...

2007-05-10T17:21:00.000+08:00

So stressed I'm freaking out. Not good. At all. Just now I saw Mrs Ng, she said I looked pale. Some people say my face green-white. Wtf. Err, totally not good. Got the feeling I'm falling sick too. I&E, i was just joking all the way. Think we pissed think Kaishin off. So sorry. I was taking the whole lesson as stress reliever. But wtf lah. How am I supposed to sleep more? Even if I sleeep more, then I still got a lot of work to do, then what's the difference? Rather uphold my 100% commitment promise. Even if its killing me.

Then Faith asked me go for her matchmaking session thing. And Mr Leslie was saying that we would obviously like to get to know more girls. I dunno, for me, I hardly have time to think about it. Pissed off at myself in a way too. Lol. But I can't help it. Not being who I am will hurt so much more. Ok, I really am getting crazy. I need a break. :S:S:S:S:S

Update

Hmm. Went for chess club training just now. Feel a bit better. But not much. I still have loads to do. Then still need to train. And my mind doesn't seem to be working. It sucks. I require so much rest now, it seems to make no difference how long I sleep le. DAMN. On the great side though, I'm all that much closer to reformatting and optimising my com. Thank goodness. What is it like to try to be a hero? What is it like to be a hero? What is it to be a hero? Is there a need to be a hero? Lol. Just some stupid things that popped into my brains. Hmm. Watched Bleach. There was this sentence that sprung at me - "What is your resolve?" And indeed, what is my resolve? In some things, I let go so easily, yet in others, more than my hand holds it tight, though it be costing me. Resolve alone is pointless. What is it that we hold a resolve for? Yet in the end, is there not a greater purpose that we reach for?

I once read that men (meaning males) do all they do to attract the partner they want. Meaning that it is the highest purpose behind many men. On some level, it seems kinda true. Money, fame, looks, whatever. Yet, there be many others who prove it wrong too. But when our testosterone level gets high, I suppose there be nothing to reject about that theory. What in truth is our drive then? How stupid is it that a person whom believes in higher ideals fall prey to such ludicrous temptations. In the end, who are we, but pawns? A slave to our passions even, when will the chains of fate binding us ever be unlocked? Pray tell me, that I may at last soar to the skies...

2007-05-08T01:51:00.000+08:00

Amazing display of how distracted I can be. Lol. But I was freaking tired today. No sleep kills. When its 2 days in a row. And damn, looks like its on course to be 3. Unless I skip doing my work. DAMN!!! I know so many of them are skipping doing tutorials cos they cant finish due to their CCA commitments, but I gotta be different. Haiz. I will announce it, same as I would if anyone ask me. Target this semester- reclaim my position. Lol. Ok, lets get on with it.

Went sch at 9, we did pretty much nothing. I was too tired to talk much. FMGT was a breeze. We went for lunch. Faith talked a lot despite ulcer. Well, hearing someone talk about uber accidents in a uber happy way was interesting. Kenny and Kel joined us for lunch. Then we went lecture. I was sleeping peacefully. After the break I was feeling much better. Spoke a bit too loud though. XD

Went leo clubhouse. Faith went also, but din really do much. :P I was struggling to focus. Tricia and Kel came. Then Jer, Delphine, Daryl, another Kel, Yuan Jin also came. Oh yea, Sok Ling was there b4 us. Erm, then the people for the meeting came. Saw a girl, dunno who she is and I asked. So that's lynn. Think I saw her b4. She's kinda cute. :P. So there I was trying to multi-task madly. And dang, I talk too much. Went Bukit Timah Plaza for dinner. It was nothing special, expensive for the proportion and quality in fact. Well, at least can say we tried it out.
Oh, and I'm so glad people like Chloe are still turning up. There is hope yet. :D

Wonder what the conclusion for AGM will be like. Time for the whole business to end. I want it asap. Less things to worry about, less complains to deal with = very good. Ok, better get to my work.

2007-05-06T19:59:00.000+08:00

I once read about this man who works super hard for 3 weeks. And slack the remaining 1 week off. I thought he was crazy. Now I respect him a lot for his stamina. My god, how much time did he use to build that up? 3 weeks!! I can barely do 3 days. I decided to take a break. Went battle.net. Found Derg, an online friend, and we played Multiple TD Challenge together. Me and him = thrashing. Haha. Then I fell asleep after chatting with some people. Well, its to be expected I suppose. Woke up, but still feeling very tired. Damn it, the work is sucha drag now. I cant seem to finish much.

If only I wasn't that stupid. Lol. Heck lah. Must focus. But to hit all targets right now seems improbable. I'm running either outta time or energy all the time. Comparing energy level, I dun even seem to have recovered since last August. That's a freaking close to 1 year ago. I need my rest... Lol... Support the OSUS movement.

I'm getting back to my work. :S

2007-05-05T23:56:00.000+08:00

Lmao at myself... For many reasons. All it takes is a trip to Popular, and I realise that I'm caught in the dang cycle again. Haha. I really need to start reading... ALL OVER AGAIN. Guess a few months weren't enough for the principles to sink in, so quickly they have been lost. Useless me. Lol. And keep getting distracted.

Hey man, life's awesome as a whole. Just that when I'm tired, then I pour the stress out in writing. Lol. Actually got many good things also. But hardly have time to elaborate. Update more in future! :D

2007-05-04T01:29:00.000+08:00

Felt kinda useless today. Haha. Distracted. When I promised myself I wouldnt be. Damn it. Freaking useless. Then kept worrying. Din really focus on solutions. Oh well. I'm just frustrated. So many things to do. So many people to think of. Like tt NPEC thing. Even if they tell me they can do it, I must think of their welfare also. Jackson really looks tired. Kel also. Daryl needs to work on getting his grades up. Kenny missed lectures. Plus where are the benefits? Do we slave for ideals alone, that glory be achieved for the sake of it? How can I lead, when my heart is not yet decided.

The weight is freaking huge u know. If they did it, so can I. But how heavy the burden, how delectable freedom is. Yet, when will we all truly be free?

2007-05-01T15:18:00.000+08:00

Been joking about. Lol. Tenacious hold on all that I do. Hope its gonna get better. So many dreams, a multitude of ideas, but a lack of time, drained of energy. Gonna go watch movie soon. Spiderman 3. Still love the quote "With great power comes great responsibility". Why? Simple enough to answer question...

I've always believed that all of us were endowed with abilities beyond our imagination. How much of it we choose to and are able to tap usually is the deciding factor. Like it or not, I think that I've been able to tap more of it than most people I know... thus I gotta be responsible for all the advantages it has given me. So people can ask me why I am so motivated. I would prefer to ask- What use is your ability if you don't stretch yourself with it at all? Why do yourself and everyone around a dis-service by sealing away your potential... just because you are afraid?

I've been observing it for some time now. I've been wondering what makes the crucial difference. The thing is, so many of us fear being seen as different from others, that they try to act as what an average and normal person would do. Unfortunately, this leads to them limiting their potential to that which is rated "normal" and thus leads to "average" results. Then when they see that something is reachable and achievable, they have to tell themselves "No!" leading to the cap on their potential being sealed all the more tightly, and they can only wonder how others do it. Deep within you, isn't there a spark wishing that you can excel just as well as the other person? Worst thing is, you know you can. You just fear to face yourself. Excuses come up I suppose. I've done it myself before. Like about my cousin, or about Woon Peng (tt gay :P) even. But when I finally decided to break free of my limitations, I had to face the truth that I was the one who had been limiting myself. And when you see that, when you acknowledge that, and you see the wasted years, the huge opportunity cost, let me ask you, how can you not reach out for your dreams?

Of course, even after doing that, what you do will hardly be perfect. To make it, you have to fall so many many times. Make the mistakes first, that when the right time comes, you are tempered by experience. Some will call you a fool initially, others will ask you for advice on how to get started on this track. In these years where we grow up, I suppose that is perfectly normal. Yet as we grow older, other things start to happen I suppose. And that is where I am now. A stage where I have to make the decision once more. Am I myself, am I to be the ideals that others might think me to be, or will I fail my ideals at this point in time? But as I thought about it, the decision was made long ago. Not by me. Not the conscious me anyway. That I was given this level of ability has to mean something. I obviously have a life to live for. No time for doubts. The only way is.. forward.... And to take as many people as I can down the same path.

It obviously doesnt benefit me as Daryl asked. But the point is, what else am I supposed to do? See all that potential wasted? Or lend a hand in breaking apart those chains? The choice is simple to me... the question never to be asked....

2007-04-28T23:09:00.000+08:00

Friday... missed out on my sleep. Lol. Went to school half-groggy. Let's see.. ECD tutorial. Interesting. Lol. Then went blaw lecture. Saw ben and celia on the way there... blaw i wasnt paying too much attention. Lol. Lunch with whole crowd of people at canteen 4. Made fun of a lotta people. Hahaha... Then ecd lecture. Lecturer borrowed my laptop to play movie. Knew they gonna moan when I had to stop it, really freaking troublesome about that... Lol.. Went clubhouse after that and fell asleep... Oh yea, submitted my dip plus form before that.

Then had to get Yee Teng's no. cos she hadn't reply me about the first aid course thing. Haha. Got it from Wei Xuan. Then I ended up reading for hours. Lol. Morning my sis woke up and watch bleach, since I felt like taking a break, I watched along. She's still only at soul society arc. Lol. Then went school for interview. Wanted to go harbourfront meet Kel Jackson they all for worldview, but fell asleep when I reached home. GG. Was doing content for Boai webbie when i conked out. Haha. I'm lmao. Stupid life for now.

Many things I've been thinking about, but right now, its a pain to have to go through all of it. Still sleepy. Post again some time...

2007-04-27T01:35:00.000+08:00

This was not such a good day. I overslept. OMG. 9th day of school. Slept despite 4 alarm clocks and my mum trying to wake me. Good thing it was I&E. I saw no class participation in the grading scheme. Lol. Anyway, went school later, met Jer. Talked about many things. Now I have a new job. Lol. Though there were others who have raised their concerns too... I will do my best k. Just that... its becoming rather painful in a way. Is it worth it? Even for friends, maybe there are limits too... I'm like in overdrive mode too much. Lol. You know, that state of alertness that comes after u become totally drained... B4 u conk out all of a sudden. Lol.

Went to Orchard for the meeting. Walked about with Jer. Din find much to eat, so we headed to Mac to meet them. Went for dinner at LJS (Jer bought Subway) b4 we met Ms Leong, Yvonne, Ursula and co. at Mac for the meeting. After meeting was roughly officially over, I suddenly heard my name mentioned. Dunno what for. Then Ms Leong asked me to go over. Thought they had some questions for me or something. Turned out to be on database. Lol. Brings back memory of JM. But its been VERY LONG.. slightly more than a year since I've touched it. Then she said she heard I talked a lot yesterday. Isn't that like expected. Haha. I initiated the project, and no matter what happens, I have to take care of the people in it yea. Came home and had a bit more chance to relax than usual. Had many chat windows open. Lol. But was still doing work at same time of course. But today at least know I can finish part of it like around 2. So is still ok. Tutorial at 9 though. Not good.

Freaking sianz with some aspects of life. I know I am responsible for creating my own results, but then, when will someone come help me. Haha. Freaking tired. And lonely at times. Sometimes, they just don't understand. Maybe, I haven't given them a chance to. I just wonder... who the heck am I really. Getting so tired. Oh well... work for your dreams people. As long as you want it so badly you will put in your effort for it, people who can help you will come into your life. Dream, Believe, Dare, Do. Carpe Diem! And I thank the gods for bringing those people into my life. If only I can repay them all...

Update:

Just felt like updating... I just wanna say... Please be fair to others. I know I've made that mistake myself in the past before, but hopefully, I've grown up and is dealing better with it... Leaving others to clean ur mess is NEVER GOOD. Especially when they've done so much, then you waste their efforts... Haiz, now I know how they felt like. I'm so sorry to all the folks I've let down. Really sorry. I promise I will surpass myself this year. I will be 100% committed to whatever I do, no excuses. Just give me the time to adapt, and I will do it this time.

Haiz. I thought I could do it you know. Fresh in poly, after some experience working, confident in my ability to manage time, blah blah. The problems come in the word commitment. I used to think it was about potential. Now I know it isn't. It's about passion. And when ur passionate about something, its so different. Others cant understand it, unless they share the same passion u do. I was a freaking idiot. 17... Be thankful if you can manage 2 or 3. Haha. I'm already dying. And I'm dying to get back to the start... where I would never have volunteered to plan or be in committee. Getting the experience of just doing manual labour isn't such a bad thing, and I would never have created so many problems for others. And myself. How can someone who made such a mess be smart... I really was a freaking idiot. My only defense right now is... passion? I'm not joking when I say that I'm passionate for many many things... You cant really tell which is more acute, can you? Of course, that excuse doesn't cut it at all. Its not like others aren't passionate about it. And when you create a dent in their plans, its not nice at all..

Only when I am in their shoes do I really understand. Damn myself for all the mistakes I made. If only I have the chance to make it up, I swear I will. But right now, all I can do to make up for it is to say good bye and stop creating more problems. And here, I have to say good bye to the old me too. Good bye, you dreaming idiot. :D

2007-04-26T01:07:00.000+08:00

Seems like I'm blogging like close to everyday. Well, there's more reason to blog now I suppose. Each day is so filled with something new, and I got a lot to think about... cant really use my memory when I'm dead tired. Started the day with lecture. Tried very hard not to sleep. Managed it and took down notes. Went for HRM tutorial. We have a nice tutor who insists that we call him Richard, and he basically taught us how to answer questions and then we decided on the project question. Wanted to do foreign talent a lot (high risk high return :P) but considering what the seniors say about blaw project, it makes sense not to take something too heavy. When I'm so tired. Haha. Never thought there would be an issue other than confidence. Oh well... Commitment is such a hard thing.

Then like talk a lot with Yee Teng a.k.a Faith. Haha. I think she quite smart, dunno why always criticise herself. Many people need lessons in self-confidence I guess. Haha. HRM lecture I was demo-ing Ele TD VERY HARD to Kenny. Like SUPER EASY right. Lol. I should stop slacking. Haha. Then went Leo Clubhouse. Talked a lot. Attended Dip Plus briefing. Gonna sign up. Then Leo Club meeting. I think that they really need to speak up. I got their replies saying that they will support CK, but how is not speaking up support. Haha. Support has to be shown. Credit to CK for holding his own. And hope I din piss anyone off. My major concern was voiced out, and I think it is valid. And folks, fight for your ideals. I dun care if u think I am idealistic. So what if the world isn't fair. What we can do is to make it as fair as we can. If no one ever does that, then all we are doing is complaining. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have bothered to turn up. What is so fair about us doing so much work. Or what is so fair about blah blah blah. We didnt complain because we know its not all fair. But at the same time, FIGHT FOR IT!!

And yah, I freaking thought I could rest. Guess it was just a dream. Die...

2007-04-25T00:08:00.000+08:00

Just the second day of the second week. Bloody hell. Dying already. Reaching home at 11+ pm everyday. What the heck right. Then have to read through so many emails, do tutorials, finish powerpoints, translate, whatever, freaking dying!!! When I made that freaking commitment to myself, I didn't expect it would be this tough. And to have this last till 1st July... no way. Haha. Confirm burn out before then. Siao ah... here no sleep there no sleep. In 1 week sleeping in lecture cos too tired. Lol.

And still got so much work left undone. What is the use of prioritising, when you hardly make it through half the list. BAH!! So much to complain about. I'm going insane. And with a stupid cough. Ok, back to my WORK now. GG to my life...

2007-04-22T00:36:00.000+08:00

Been a blast. Hardly felt as alive before compared to the past few days. But then, I seem to wind up tired very very fast. Damn the cough. What with Leo Club and Chess, what with friends and studies... what with my own thoughts and feelings... Never thought I would have so much to do within the 1st week of school re-opening. Gods. 1 more month to the dateline I set for myself. Shouldn't be a problem. I think. Nonetheless... I hope that I recover quickly. Case in point.. stop infecting people... and get all my energy back. Half my life is coughed away. Lol.

What is a committee position? To me, it is not defined by the job scope but the duties you take up in ensuring the growth of the organisation. And to that effect, each role is not a separate entity, but one meant to synergise with the rest of the team. When I heard what Qi Rong said to Miss Leong, it was more or less expected... but to hear him say it so nonchalantly certainly surprised me. What is one more sentence on a portfolio, when one doesn't gain much out of it? And in my opinion, Chuen Kiat should be the president... he did what Jackson and I will probably never be able to do... Having nothing but Leo Club... And I believe that too many cooks spoil the broth. :D Since Jackson and I decided to opt out, I feel that the current selection is probably the best that can be achieved given the circumstances. And I'm glad that Jackson promised to improve his attitude. Thanks brother. It's never nice to leave a mess for others to clean up, especially when its your friends who have to do the cleaning up...

Studies I not gonna talk about. And whoever asked for my results... just ask. And I will tell. Though I dunno why you want to know... GPA 3.7. Bstats B+, Miec B, Ocom AD, Ob AD, Cip AD, CATS A. Happy?

And as I was thinking... to be or not to be... is that really the real question? Or is it what to be and what not to be? For our actions are shaped by our ideals... and things are not as simple as they may seem to be, divided evenly into black and white. When one takes into account more than 1 perspective, everything is a murky gray. The question is, what is the right course of action? And I dunno. I can only suggest. What I suggest has turned out to be effective quite a few times, but that does not mean that I will be right every single time. At the same time, when I make my decision, please respect the fact that I already thought through it with due consideration... If you gotta ask, then ask later. Not when there is a reason for me having done what I did, which could cancel my intention... And thats referring to more than one thing too.

Far too often these days, I have to put my mind to work constantly. Whatever spirits guide my path, please grant me reprieve once in awhile yea... I'm no robot or answer key. I just do my best. But even that is not enough. And even that does not satisfy many. And in plain honesty, I do see their point. But at the same time, if I were to do otherwise, would I be who I am, and would you have perceived me the same way you do now? Lets not deal with rhetorics... but instead deal with the rigours of life...

2007-04-18T03:06:00.000+08:00

I know its been freaking long since I posted, but its not as though I didn't try. I've deleted like 5 posts before this. But this one's gonna go up. Somehow. Lol. Been using it like a diary for dumping all the unhappy stuff, so no wonder yeah. Cos I know dang well its not those stuff that I want to remember. So let me see... I shall not really elaborate too much on Serve China. Long story short, the trip has really changed me. How exactly, I'm not sure. But I bet I'm not the only person who feels that way. And I'm sure that others have noticed the change too. Basically, on the trip, I resolved not to use my poor brain too much, so I kinda tried to evade any direct responsibility, though I cant really help thinking. Haha. I love the kids so much. Kang Ning for one.. though Hao Hao and Yuan Yuan are both so cute too... It was a relief to just let go of my responsibilities I suppose. I enjoyed my time with the kids... simplicity has its own joy... just simply enter their world, and be submerged by the waters of their imagination and ideals... For a time, I didn't need to worry about my goals, my friends, my life or anything. Just make sure that the kids have fun. Brought my harmonica and had fun playing it for quite a bit of time. So glad I did so. My skill has undoubtedly deteriorated, but as long as the children love it, its fine with me I guess. Too bad my harmonica was kinda soft compared to guitar... If someone else had a harmonica (and know how to play), it would have rocked!!

Let me see.. Kaishin was my mortal for the Angels & Mortal game. So I gave her tidbits every now and then. Lol. Hope she enjoyed it. Oh yea, also fell darn sick, though I hardly gave a care about that. I didn't go all the way there for community service in order to let any illness stop me. Though it did make me quite irritated... Throat was damn dry, and I had to drink loads of water after playing the harmonica... Thanks to Lizhen for all the water and tissue paper... Lol...

I'm gonna skip the part on shopping in Shanghai. And oh, don't bother asking me for pictures please. Didn't bother to bring camera along even. I'm just plain lazy. Lol. The old folk's home... How I wish I could communicate with the old folks. At the garden, I took it upon myself to sweep and clean the place up. Proud of myself for doing not too shoddy a job for that. Shouted at Jie Ming.. lmao, think my task-orientedness just happened to flare when I was irritated by all the people trodding dead leaves back onto the path, and Ding Zhi and Alvin making fun of (forget it) now and then. Got thank you cards for Mrs Koh, Mr Lim, Alvin, Tian Hao, Lizhen, and Kaishin. Would have gotten for more people, but the card was rather expensive.. and I had a hard time writing under the nose of Alvin (my room mate and buddy!). That about concluded the trip I guess.. I'm not one for leaving too long a memory, all I wish is that the lessons and joy will yet follow me down my path.

So after I came back to Singapore, I was swarmed with work. Literally. Think it made my cough worse. Gave my gift to her 1st day of bAoc. Hope she really likes it. Haha. Then I fell sick after that. As in really weak. So I was kinda forced to stay at home, slept through most of the days anyway. Had over 50 missed calls in 1 day. Omg! Freaking scary, since I dun exactly know who called (no caller ID). Missed out on worldview and the chess competition (dunno which 1 I would've gone for, maybe its fate the choice was taken outta my hands). Then... sch reopens...

Crashed daryl's OM lecture. Freaking boring. I was so bored I read about bleach while sitting in front. Went to leo booth, talk with people.. and lizhen can ask me why I cut my hair and never keep it longer, when Sg is so freaking hot... Image is important, but so is comfort. Lol. Waited for jackson, then we went to canteen 3 for lunch. Had hokkien mee. Loved it... Just cos its hokkien mee, the quality wasnt that good actually... XD Then went for FMGT lecture. I think I gonna love FMGT. 1st lecture was freaking easy... basically a revision of POA + common sense. And alamak, so many people already forgot that we already learnt it in POA... and when I shouted liability (it was a spur of the moment thing), I dunno how the heck they identified when my voice kinda changed cos of coughing madness, but heck. Haha. Went leo clubhouse, where I called Central CDC and waited for 20 mins straight!! Fell asleep at clubhse. Woke up then went with Jer, Kel, Jack, and Daryl to see Miss Leong. Not really sure why I was there, but at least I talked. Haha. Went for dinner with Kel and Daryl and had Hokkien Mee (proper 1 this time XD)!! Went home... was struggling not to sleep. Fell asleep about 1am.

Woke at 7, but was dead tired. Was searching for my results to photocopy. Crashed Daryl's AAA lecture. It was totally POA. Man, I'm so glad my POA skills still seem to be there. Basically only forgot the COGS template and the laws thing. But shouldn't take long to recall and revise (I hope). Lecturer was strict at first, but slackened later. Break time she approached us, I thought she was going to ask me where my notes were. Lol. After that we went for IEF lecture. I dun want to describe it here. But its pure ownage!! Really. I'm so glad I went. At least I know I have to start preparing to avoid getting slaughtered. Lol. We then went Toa Payoh to submit the forms. Then Kel and I took 153 back. Basically thats it till now...

So these are roughly the more eventful highlights... Without including my thoughts. Haha. I really felt like posting them in 1 of my drafts earlier, but I dun really want to piss anyone off. Especially since I dun really feel I'm involved anymore. So yea... (its a reference to more than 1 thing, so dun read too much into it). Then Kenny asked me if I was still bothered by the thing... to which I told him I'm no longer distracted and that's all anyone will need to know. Truth is, I don't know how to express it into words. I feel so inadequate, and so dumb... especially when it comes to certain matters. Let go? What is to let go? If I can truly let go of feelings, then I also won't be the person I am today. My passion for biz... one nice example. Many a times in life, we have to make decisions. I have no time yet. And I recognise that. So at least I can put it off. At least, let me stone when I have the time to stone. Right now, the priority is to CLEAR IT ALL. And make my way outta the sch stuff. Its been a repetitive experience for some time, and I need to be free of it all before I make my next step. Or maybe its an excuse for me to reject myself. But whatever the case is, I'm back. And I won't lose my focus this time. Because I know that all of them will want me to do my best, especially those whom I care about. To just get distracted over it will only let all of them down, and most importantly, truly make me unworthy to get there. Or maybe I'm deluding myself with ideals. I dun care, as long as it works....

The man running from EVERYTHING...
JOSH

2007-03-21T17:37:00.000+08:00

Another half a month since I last posted. Haha. I've been thinking about my role in life. What is it exactly that I do? What kind if impact do I bring? Why would people care for me? Lets see... when I disappeared from the online world, I had people who messaged me to check if anything happened to me.. but to be honest, most of my contacts only actually bother to ask about my results and what class I choosing or got into... Lol... Makes people wonder who the heck I am to them, doesn't it? Haha. Not blaming them... just musing over stuff... Maybe I had a tad too much free time... (As if)

And then, so many things I have to think about, and no one who can truly help or advise me... I believe, and many adults have agreed, that the study of business is way more than just the textbook, that community service, event management, physical training, exposure etc. are essential to a true understanding of business. Some of you may think me a fool, but I assure you, I pondered over it a long time, looked at the different factors that lead to people succeeding, and I am very sure in my belief. Social contribution is part of CSR (corporate social responsibility), and community service is a wonderful way for your people to interact, build up relationships, and share in the joy of bringing hope to others. Unless you want to remain mediocre forever, or remain in a mediocre company that is. When you expand, you will have to run events. Even a company's anniversary, or when hosting VIPs. Physical training... when you motivate your staff to do it with you, it keeps them from falling sick, and also allows people to challenge their physical and mental limitations. And exposure/experience etc is of utmost importance of course.
What can I truly let go off? Or is it my onus to keep carrying this burden, which grows more and more wearisome... and is the lethargy I feel born of excuses or a true limit on my energy? Where can I find answers? Learn the enjoy the little things in life? How do I keep focus of my overall goals then? Or was it fear generated from my overall goals that led to my slip-ups? Where the heck did determination go to? Responsibility yet remains a distance away! Of what use are advantages if not acted upon on to create a further gap? Of what stupidity is it to let my weaknesses go untended? Where oh where did the systems fly to? Dang it... Haha... Sianz ah!!

Can anyone describe what is it that I do? I cant really. Maybe it wasnt a true vision after all. Need to do it all over again. What is the impact that I bring to people around me? Plans, more plans, projects, help.. erm.. resource person maybe? God knows. So tired... But I dun want to drop it all, because there is still a life to live for, yet if I don't drop, how do I fulfill my potential? GG.. really...

I sound depressed? Lol. Not really. Haha. Actually, while I was at the Serve China pre-bonding camp, my spirit was revived.. wun really put a finger on who or what.. or was it a series? :D But the most important thing is, I will win!! Simply because I hate losing, if nothing else. At last, a game for me to play!! Afterall, it got pretty boring. Also, new class! Something to look forward to at least for now. For those who wanna know my class... its 28!! Chose it cos 3 days with lecture and tutorial on same day. Only need bring the textbook once. Hehe.

Kaez, many things I have to do yet... so here's an end to my post for now!!

2007-03-08T05:45:00.000+08:00

Wow, long time since my last update. Haha. Many things have happened as usual. Think my absence online has been causing loads of people to wonder. Lol. Coupled with the fact I've all but disappeared.... Been sick. Haha. So taking a long rest. Cant afford to burn out, can I? Been doing loads of thinking too. And trying to numb myself as well I suppose. Gaming... Lol... Cos I cant seem to stop thinking. And for the record, I'm an absolute failure. Haha. My training has barely been put into effect. Of course, I have not totally thrown it aside... But I'm making much much lesser progress than I thought I would. My only excuse? No one can keep up that kind of intensity forever... Haha... Lousy me....

The Cheers thingy, I've been thinking about it. No doubt that Miss Dorene was doing her best to help us. When we were leaving, she did get Miss Lee to pass us the forms. And as I thought about it, I realised that the main issue might have been with Miss Chew. We are mostly SIFE members. As we have seen from her taking direct action with regard to us, the school does care for the result of the competition. She might not have wanted us to detract our efforts... Of course, could be because people like me have too many activities, and they doubted our availability.... Sorry then people, if that's the case. Haiz. On to the next game, but then, I never like to lose.

Bloody problem with the two is still there. Very troublesome to type sia. But feel like typing on. Haha. For all the stuff that I missed out, sorry guys. Esp to the Pre-U Seminar Team, I was quite disoriented, forgot to tell u ppl that I was sick. 1 more week to the release of the results, wonder if I should be getting excited or depressed. Definitely won't be doing as well as last sem. Oh well... Crap. CCA Points updated to 149. Amazing. Haha. 153 points more to catch up with Alvin. Lol. Starting on my 3rd gold. :D Dang it though... wonder if my efforts will be worthwhile in the end.

Been reading a lotta my old books also. No, not on biz etc. Fiction. Lol. Missed those stories actually. Feel like I've been restricting my imagination and language. Haha. Writer's urge? :D Dang it, I'm just crazy. Stressed sia. My bro cant make it to poly (as of now, appeal dateline is today), but he gonna try RP later, so all the best to him. And there's still so much work to do. Chess Camp, Pre-U Seminar research, SIFE, Leo Club... Ooh... Serve China 07? Chess Competition? Erm, the stuff I want to do? Haha. I need some new games sia. Playing against the AI gets boring after awhile... (for dota AI, use bloodseeker to pawn... I racked up 8k gold b4 I went back, at full life? Wtf... Just focus on last hit/deny with blood bath) I want RPG!!! Lol. A good game nowadays takes like 3+GB. When games used to be 1GB or so, dl was viable. Now it isnt. Lol.

Was wondering... what really is right and wrong... Something never meant to happen did, and I just cannot keep my focus anymore. No religion for me to fall back on too... Haha... The only beliefs I subscribe to are the stuff I read and think about. May the world grant me strength, that I may resolve this within myself to gain peace.... Hmm... Hercules just sprang to my mind. Lol. Loved that movie. Maybe I should go find the disc and watch. Hahaha... The measure of a hero isnt by the size of his strength, but the strength of his heart.... But who needs to be a hero? Then again, why am I aiming to reach the top? Sometimes, things just cannot be explained... Can they? I can win so many, but alas, fall prey to none other than myself...

HaX0r....

2007-02-18T00:31:00.000+08:00

Exams are over. Bigger headaches lie ahead I guess. Like how to survive this sem hols. Haha. Literally lived through hell for the last 1, reflecting on it that is... Though I won't regret it, seeing the amount of cca points I've managed to garner. :D So here stands my SDAR Record, according to when the cca point system shut down: Total 146, ARLS 90. School still owes me!! Haha.... Yea, it is possible to score gold not in a single year, but a single sem.... So people, dun complain or give up!!

And no... I wun quit just because I've gotten gold. Haha. I didnt join the CCAs for CCA Points (alone)... But cant blame me for being less active, when I kick the second phase of my plan into action. I got many "secret" projects this hols. Lol. Ok, not that secret, just that many people don't know.

So how's the exams? Dun like it, definitely wun do as well as I would like to, but its ok I guess. At least I didn't get really distracted. Went for steamboat after last paper with some of my classmates, since no idea whether we will be in the same class again next acad year. So nice its right after the exam, since I might not have time soon enough... Haha.. starting from Wed. Got saddled with an unexpected project. And that event is in May!! 3 months? Argh!! Told my classmates what they can expect to find next year. Haha. Some f'cos not interested de. More interested in my private life eh... :D Seriously speaking, knowing doesnt do anyone any good.... And its not like I will bother to act on it for now... So its not a matter of importance at all. Now I gotta focus on getting everything cleared 1st, so I can relax more next acad year. :D

Hmm, gotta go out soon. Update again next time. Took bloody long to type this post, what with the "two" spamming. ARGH!!!!

2007-02-06T07:11:00.000+08:00

Warm-up time!! Been slacking madly for the past few days. Not that I'm arrogant, but there is a time and place for everything! :D Had to prepare myself for these few days... by relaxing and all first. But its time to give it my best now... Not like I can recall stuff I revised 1 week ago anyway... Haha... Thanks for the well wishes everyone... and all the best to you guys too!!

Dy, you cant blame me for it lor... you wanted a masterpiece capable of delivering an AD and I gave it to you... the fact is that I'm a poly student, not even year 3 in fact, so blame it on your tutor's judgement. It isn't even the best piece of work I can produce, so tired I was that night...

And once again, I hit a mental barrier. Haha. Knowing it might just cause me more headache in the future, but relishing the experience anyway... looking forward to it in fact. Sounds like addiction. Oops. Haha... But nothing can detract me away from blasting ahead now... No matter what it is, I have the capability to be an ace player, and my life has already been devoted to the challenge.

Letting the music suffuse me and take hold of my mood and thought... Been a long time since I've enjoyed myself like this... Its a really good piece of music!! I can feel challenge ahead, with ever quickening pace... but where that challenge is, hope is too.... Euphorium!! Haha... Reminding me of my dreams, and the magic that lays within and without me...

Anyway, chatted with kelvin and jackson just now. Kelvin mentioned getting married at 28, having children at 30, and retiring at 50. Given the number of things I want to do, retirement doesnt even come into the picture... And as for getting married, I dun even see a gf on the horizon, not to mention children. Hahaha.... Wonder if its fear or reality that stops me from planning for that...

Next academic year, I'm going to make myself an undisputed ace. I can already see it.. Haha.. To be honest, with my current ability, to dominate is not impossible, but I rather count on people getting more motivated and upgrading themselves... And to get there, I will have to train myself rigourously!! Right away after the exams... My memory skills, speed reading, technical skills, stamina, even business knowledge will all have to undergo training once more. Shudder to think of what I will do to myself, but if thats the price for success, so be it!!! Just one more year left to go before I tackle the final challenge of... I will save that for now. Haha...

Take care everyone, and all the best for exams!!

2007-01-30T12:33:00.000+08:00

Realised I've not been chatting with her. Doesn't really matter though. Maybe it will be better for us all in the end. It feels so lonely to reach the epitome though. I know I did it today. Unleashed my presentation skill despite 2 days with no sleep. She was just too stunning today, and smile and laugh so much I also feel glad for her. Haha. Took my mind off my weariness perhaps. Such a chore to maintain myself. If I were most students, after OB 9-11, I could be off home to slack then revise. Instead, I have to plan for the cheers outlet thingy, look at how to improve my technical skills, prepare for interview, AGM, and another meeting later.What a life? And people can still wonder why I want to quit? So stressed. Exams coming also. I'm the rock standing against the tide, and one day, the tide will either sweep me away or just leave me drowning...

The hard work seems to have paid off, but is the result worth it? Lets wait and see....
(The above was 2 days ago, on the 30 Jan :D)

Gonna talk about motivation now. Haha. If only they can understand... many people just don't understand why I do what I do and how it helps. Motivation by inspiration and desperation... much truer than most people can imagine. And as I linked the level of acceptance and level of expectation to these two, I hope many people catch the drift. And no people, I'm not addicted at all. Seriously speaking, I've placed myself through training, and there are some things I don't think I will ever fall for again. Of course, to reach much higher levels, I've got to think of new ways to train and challenge myself, but to handle what is going on right now, I think the current me is still up to it. :D I've really manage to wear myself down though, which hasn't happened for some time. But its ok. We will start afresh soon, in 3 months time! :D

I've managed to get myself so pumped up again. For just a day, maybe I forgot what it meant to be me. Haha. But I'm so grateful that happened. Taking a break is what I needed after all, though I missed the OB revision lecture and the MIEC revision tutorial. XD But after the rest and inspiration I drew, I think it was worth it, though I'm feeling sorry for my tutors. Oh well. Do let me take a break occasionally. I'm not a machine. Lol. More than being a superstar, I know that being a leader is to bring out the best in others... and I will definitely work on it!! My confidence needs to be rebuilt though.. Haha.. But I know I can do it. After all, I've been scoring ever since the CT... :D Now's time to get my game back on track, blaze the trail to victory, and leave the misery behind. Onward onward, fight fight fight!!

I've been thinking a lot lately. And many things have come to light. I'm so immature sometimes. Haha. But I hope I'm ever improving. To me, failure isn't much of an option... not an option at all actually. Why worry, it will only affect my performance. Haha. Ever seen Josh at work before? Dun think many of you have... Not even most of the leo club people. Maybe most never will. To so many of them, they see only the tired and relaxing me, and may even wonder how I get my results. Or how I produce my work. Wahahaha... its ok. Show time. Dream it, Believe it, Dare to reach, and DO IT!! WIN THE GAME!!!

2007-01-28T03:48:00.000+08:00

How interesting life is. And how cruel the fates. Dreams are abound, yet for many, there be only 1 who's gonna get it. Especially the position of no.1. You could say that life is a journey and not a destination, but when you think about it, does it truly matter? Your journey will bring you to a destination. The question is, are you satisfied with it? In my journey to be no.1, there be others on the same path as well. If I win, is it fair to have their hopes shattered? And if I shall fail, what a blow that would be to me...

And there be so many distractions, if that be truly what they are. And I havent even looked at limitations yet. Injuries. Being worn down emotionally. When the answers are right in front of you, but you refuse to acknowledge because you fear to face who you are, that is truly sad... I hope that I've finally broken pass that barrier. I used to think I needed a resolution before I could get myself back in the game. But either due to luck, effort, encouragement, and very likely a combination of all, I think I'm there now. These past weeks have been nothing short of a epiphany in the making for me. They've reminded me of how good I can be should I choose to. They've shown me that Josh is stronger than he thought he was. :D And that many opportunities lay ahead yet. And that there is so much to live for in life... the loneliness doesnt matter sometimes I guess... haiz...

Updates. OCOM final paper 31/40. Not even an A. OMG!! But I'm still ok with it. Cos after the paper, my aim was 30. CIP- As for every single thing until now. Assignment 1, CT, PBL (all 3 sections :P). MIEC article submitted. Working on OB presentation. Revision starts from tomorrow. Given half the chance, I have the skill to smash pass challenges. Lol. Goal --> strategy --> action. Hasn't let me down when its called for. I'm also preparing for ever greater things... Hahaha...

Chatted with someone. Since I'm not sure if she would mind if I post it here, I think I shouldnt. Gonna say what I think about it though. Haha. Recognition from family and relatives... I think I understand that... Being the eldest son from my maternal side of the family is such a pressure, when all the others have done so well. One went RI --> RJC --> MIT!! (On govt scholarship.. -.-). Another one is at HCI now. My female cousins have done quite well also, grads from NP with amazing grades, and both went on to uni. The other female cousin also going uni from As now, and she was at RI. Haiz. Sometimes, wanting your effort to be recognised is totally understandable, if uncalled for. Now that I've finally managed to prove myself a bit, at least the pressure is lesser. As for being smart in a way nobody appreciates, that's not really true. I think I appreciate it, as do the other people we know. Recognition will come one day!! Haha. I know the feeling very well really. Not getting the recognition you want.... maybe that has shaped itself in my character.. lemme see, in the form of arrogance? Haha. One thing I disagree though is to inflict pain back. Yes, I once felt the same way too. But as I grew, I realised that truly, no one can make me feel something unless I permit them to. In order to achieve those results, you gotta take control of your own life. You've gotta be responsible for yourself. And your feelings. As for anger being a driving force, I understand that too. Anger and wounding of pride led me down this path too, but as I learnt, its really hard to keep that anger. Motivation by inspiration, not desparation, is what serves me, and everyone best I think. Of course, after saying so much, its your own opinion that counts...

Its amazing really. I'm actually in a state I never thought I would be. There remain things to be sorted out yet, but I'm confident of reaching that breakthrough point soon. To once again experience the euphoria of peak performance? :D I need my rest, need to let the music empower me, let my focus drive me through, let the energy suffuse me, and let my mind soar to new heights... within 2 weeks. Then I can truly say I did my best without any regrets... not like last semester...

In conclusion... Dream, Believe, Dare, Do.

2007-01-22T01:58:00.000+08:00

"Determined and driven to excellence in all he does, Josh tends to be very competitive. He is not afraid to "go for" what he desires or wants, and is willing to put forth the effort for success. Josh is not afraid to challenge others in his quest to achieve his end goals, but he also respects position and authority and is not unnecessarily confrontational.

Neat and orderly, others usually see Josh as practical. He needs adequate information to make decisions, and he will consider the pros and cons. He may be sensitive to criticism, and will tend to internalize his emotions. Josh likes to clarify expectations before undertaking new projects, and he will follow a logical process to gain successful results.

A warm, outgoing person, Josh enjoys having a high level of interaction with others. He usually finds the "silver lining" in a difficult situation, and typically enjoys the thrill of trying new things. He has a gift for influencing those around him and is viewed as an instinctive communicator. Others find Josh easy to approach and enjoy his easy, open rapport.

Josh doesn't care for routine and will often actively try to change monotonous situations. He tends to march to the beat of his own drum, and prefers to do things on his own so he can work at his own pace. Josh is sometimes seen as being in a hurry to get where he is going since he tends to move quickly from one thing to the next."

Dunno how accurate this is, got this from a test result i took. Neat and orderly is defnitely wrong. Lol. Unless you're talking about my thoughts maybe. The rest seems ok.

Let's see what the past few days have been like... Open House was a failure to me, there was too low a turnout rate. Though the overall quality improved. I like the red, round blob thingy (Lizhen just told me its called a boxer, or is it the boxer?). We had F Cube, the bbq for the Leos. It rained. But we made do. Waited at canteen 2 for people who didnt know where to go. Chatted then. Lizhen always talk about stuff related to studies de. Scary sia. Lol. Ok, maybe its my tendency to talk with her about it? Hahaha... Dunno. Never really noticed. Hmm. Lets see, she told me to watch this show Sherilyne told me about. Went home, then chatted with a few people. The moment I off the com, I fell asleep. Then I woke up at 4pm in the afternoon, having slept a grand total of 14 hours, and saw celia's msg asking me to rest well from the previous night. Lol. Spent most of the day doing pretty much nothing but thinking.

Monday went for CIP. Didnt complete my tutorials. Cos I was playing with After Effects. Then first time I listened in MIEC lecture. Revision lor. Eh, NAPFA testing, where I got locker service AGAIN. Went to eat with dy and kelvin at market after that. Hope he does well for French. Tues was OB (its very easy to fall asleep in Mr Tan's class, and I always dun feel like answering with the right answers, just to hear him crap... wahahaha... he doesnt seem to provide the ans anyway.. so... ). Then went BSTATS lecture. Finished in 20 mins. Hit canteen 3 with hong yi and kel. Butter rice with fish. Nellie joined us. Went lib. Hijacked room. 414. Lol. Then I went 72 to meet Mrs Koh and Mr Lim. She was totally keen about me joining the cheers thing, and made contact with Miss Jasmine Lee. Went back then got chased out. Hijacked another room. Kel left for class, jack came. And he seems to be on the wrong pill. Lol. Went to see Mr Lee with Hong Yi. Wanted to talk to him about OCOM, but he was teaching BSTATS. I was stunned. But learnt. Haha. Then like kena chased out of tb26 like that. Its ok though. Lol. They werent doing tutorials anyway, which was what I went there for. Went leo clubhouse, then went for NAPFA. NO MORE LOCKER SERVICE. Did lap counting 3 times. Stanley runs quite fast. :D Met jack and dy for dinner. LJS @ Bukit Panjang. Then a lonely 1hr ride home. Oh well.

My situation seems to be revolving around all the time now. But I'm hardly worried. Come on life, throw whatever shit you want at me. Haha. It will only make me stronger and better prepared to take on the tougher challenges in life. I think dy was right. After what I went through, I think that I have grown up more as well. Grateful as ever. Oh well. But please lah, becoming more mature doesnt mean a certain someone has to mistake me for being a year 3, when I told her explicitly I was year 1. Lol. I've regained that inner calm and confidence within now. Its easy to get hurt if you don't know how to protect yourself. One tip I think would be to look at the big picture always. Been doing that a lot lately. People can go all nitty-gritty into details, but where they use multiple points to carve out a single niche, I use a single niche to carve out multiple points. Who wins? Depends. :D But I've always smashed challenges apart. Seems to be a good enough answer for me. I'm not used to losing. :S

Life is so interesting really. People change too fast. And I have no idea what to think. Maybe chris is right. Haha. Only they can truly trouble me. I'm so relaxed and confident with dealing with most matters, believing that if effort was placed in, things will have an acceptable results at the very least, if not desirable. But when it comes to matters of the heart, where josh has to feel, I'm just an idiot. How good can I be really? I wonder. Cant even make up my mind on what to do, there are so many options. Developing talents, including myself, is what I wanna do, but how? Good job thinking Josh. Have fun!

2007-01-19T02:48:00.000+08:00

What is it like to lose totally? Lose until you have nothing to say? I've been asking myself that, and I don't know the answer. And I don't wish to know. Sometimes, I wonder what a loss really stands for... Heart-wrenching pain? Or failure? Disappointment? Or bitterness? It takes a lot of effort to win, but how much effort does it take to recover from a loss? Maybe it has been much easier for me. I've never experience much failure, and for many of those, I was right on about what went wrong and made amendments for those, which eventually in me achieving the result. Perhaps, the people who have had to recover from their losses are far stronger than me. I don't know. I really don't. Hailed to be a talent, supposed to be brimming with potential, but I feel like a fool. Screwed. And screws loose. Maybe. :P Never could keep myself down for too long. But wonder if I'm trying too hard to be having fun.

Had table topics today. Knew I had mindblock, was too exhausted, so asked Madeline to just keep it to 1 min for me. Knew I had to rely entirely on everything but content. Lol. Good thing it still seemed to turn out fine. Jin's OCOM rocks too. And I volunteered to be ah counter cause long time no practice le. Must do it before I get back to toastmasters. Lol. And I was already lenient lor... Please lah, I'm not out to screw anyone, I've never bothered to... I don't even break the rules for myself usually, unless its an extreme situation, where something has gone horribly wrong. Asked Mr Lee about Jin's OCOM grade, since I thought he did quite well. He said he had to keep down the no. of As. TB27 had 5 As lor. Haha. We only have 3. But with 78%, coupled with what Mr Lee can top up for him from participation, I think Jin can still do well! :D

Read CK's blog. Must really talk about this guy. Haha. Here's what he wrote about me:
"josh! wen i 1st met josh....i was wondering whether is he a human? the 1st ting i heard abt him was "I have 17ccas!"loLS....i was lyk stunned....he is a xtremely smart n hardwking guy....if theres the most hardwking award in NP...im pretty sure u will getit....hahahas...josh has given many perspectives n tings 2 improve myself in life...=)...thx josh! still looking 4ward 2 catching a movie wif u....we hav nvr ever do so even we seems 2 noe each other 4 soooo long....hiaz...nevertheless, u r the best!LOls...."

Must clarify, I reduce no. of CCAs le. To like 6. Haha. Smart is debatable. Hardworking... think lizhen even more hardworking than me sia. Lol. But thanks for that anyway! The movie thing, it took jackson, kelvin and me 8 months to watch. But I think we will watch it sooner. Haha.

And my turn to talk about CK. CK is a totally power guy. Haha. He complements me quite well I think. We have different working styles that seem to cover quite a bit for each other. I'm more of a visionary when in "on the game" mode and to get things done, I need to be "in the game". But CK is different from me, in that he makes sure that there is a game to play, and he makes sure that people play the game along with him. So unlike me in a way. But in others, we are also quite alike. I think that it is no coincidence I met him. If not leo club, then chess club, passion synergy, or something, there is no doubt he is one of the few talents I would have been looking for in NP. :D He's very reliable, always follow up, and best part is, he gives me new perspectives too. Need to learn from him as well. Most people ask "How many star players can there be in a team?" I think we should be asking,"How many and who are the players we should have to make an all-star team?" If I ever need a star player (which I definitely do), CK would be one of the first few I will call to mind. There remains 1 challenge yet.. who's the leader? Haha. But we will sort that out. As long as it is for the good of the team, I think we will all sacrifice to get the best possible result. I think the bonding we have (as in the Leo/SIFE team) is quite special. Haha.

Anyone who ever wants to challenge me, welcome. :P Competition will only make me work harder. Haha. For all the rubbish I talk about working smart, working hard is part of working smart too. And I do think that when it comes to producing projects that I judge to have a significant value, I work far harder than most people realise. And when you consider the opportunity cost of my time, as well as the fact I've hardly had much sleep over the past 9 months, it sucks when I dun even get thanked properly. I admit that I have so many faults of my own, but at least I take pride in my work. By not even acknowledging my effort, its almost a direct insult to me. I'm an easygoing person, but when it comes to what I consider important, I hope people don't try to cross me.

Ok, even my mood gets worse as I blog. Lol. Wonder what the affliction with us is about. So much to look forward to. Such a huge gap I'm opening up. And many things are going the right way. And I think even about being more free, I've been there too. But things change fast. Maybe I'm just not adaptive? If it hadn't been answered, I wouldn't have bothered to think much about it. But just to get the real answer now is bugging at me. I need to focus. Haha. Jason was feeling kind of moody too. Maybe its the pressure? Maybe I need to take a break? Haha. For what he's going through now, I think I've been in his shoes, much as what I went through before, he did too. Together, we can pull through. I just cannot afford to be distracted, but who can say what truly is distracting me? The books say the heart always knows, and if thats the case, then my heart is closed to me. Did I seal it shut, or was the door never opened?

Too many things are happening with too many people now. And I'm like a spider in the middle of a web, feeling the tremors going through it. I want to help, but feel helpess. I want to motivate, but fear losing my motivation. I want to ask, but don't want to know the answer (for many questions). I want to be there, but I hardly have time for myself. Is it any wonder I'm a cracking fool. Haha. A phrase flashes in my mind, "Life wasn't meant to be a struggle". The question I have in mind now is, if getting motivation from life isn't from the desperation of the struggle, then where do we get the inspiration from? I'm a fool, over-indulging myself in rhetorical thoughts. I read all those stuff from the motivational speakers and authors, and saw that their techniques would work. Yet when I am embroiled in it myself, I find myself NOT using them deliberately. What a joke. Humanity's tendency to over-indulge themselves, or a glaring weakness of mine? Or is it that the future I once saw no longer holds promise, because it lacks the vividness and passions of today? Did I lose my clarity, or am I on a path to greater achievement?

Being Josh really is like a seriously tiring job. What I'm feeling is like.. I need to get out of this (s)hell. And find someone or people who can bring out the best in me. Besieged by tons of feelings and thoughts. I let things take their course... with my guidance... and sometimes with a very heavy hand. Haha. Is there much to live for and look forward to? Definitely. It hasn't been an easy job achieving what I did. But the true challenge may be in giving it up. I don't know. How much will I sacrifice for any one cause or person? Will that decide how my life turns out?

Question after question. I think thats a recurring syndrome in this post. And quite a few without answers. All ends lay within myself though. I'm the only person who really decides how these will turn out... except for 1 special case. Haha. Doesn't take a genius to figure out that I'm not depressed or thinking of giving up, but just feeling tired, confused, and screwed. Maybe I should take some kohkoh pills to get high, alcohol to conk myself out (i'm of legal age now :D), and get a screwdriver.

Doesn't seem close to happening though. If only I held the skeleton key for all locks...

2007-01-17T05:22:00.000+08:00

Long time since I posted. I have had 3 posts deleted before this for various reasons, all of them accidents. :D

I'm finally 18!! My new resolution with my coming of age- Be more responsible!!!

Too many things have happened in my life that have affected me a lot, and one of which seems to be going on and off is tugging at me right now. I thought that I would be able to let it go totally, but the mysteries of the heart are not yet mine to unveil yet. How I perceive the irony of reading up on econs now. Its like not having total knowledge about the market, thus it is not perfect competition. Oh well. I stand by my words still. Just that maybe I'm not as good as I thought I was....

I've proven that its possible for year 1 to do year 2 and 3 work. Sometimes, its not about knowledge. The correct strategy plays a huge role. Haha. I'm so tired out though. Always thought I was close to burn-out, but seems like there's some incredible energy pent up in me yet. That's not to say I won't sleep if given half the chance... I need it. OMG. Haha.

My class rocks really. Got birthday cake for me (chocolate, exactly the way I would have it :D), and celebrated. Considering what some of them thought of me at the start of last semester, this seems like a 360 degree turnaround. Nonetheless grateful to them though. TB30 rox. Now just need to focus on studies as well, and we can thrash the rest. Hahaha.

Was there some message I was supposed to have gotten? Or was there something that I did wrong? Or is it the fact that I am just me after all. Haha. Had OB lecture just now, where Tan Tien Siang talked about emotional intelligence. Think I rank somewhere close to 0 for that. Ok lah. Last test I took ranked me as below average. Haha. 110, compared to standard average of 120. I'm just confused. Lol. Not that it really matters in the long run? Perhaps, mayhaps... and I hope there are no mishaps.

Exhaustion is overtaking me. My mind is in critical mode though. Like I see, think, feel, and do. In that order. What I visualise, I bring to life. Ok, not all the time. But for my work. Hope I can sustain it. Now going for napfa testing. Update again later...

2007-01-07T15:57:00.000+08:00

Currently in school, watching my groupmates do CIP. Nothing to do, so blogging lor. I feel kinda pissed. Lol. Probably from lack of sleep. And even more likely from dropping so many points. And most likely from all the pressure I've been piling on myself. Haha.... I hate losing!! And I seem to be losing to more and more people. The game isnt over yet, but the need to win is driving me crazy. And so I am going crazy!! Lol. Did the CIP presentation slides, so proud of myself. Cos I think it rawks. Haha...

My to-do list is swelling. With BSTATS CT 2 coming up, and I havent done anything for it yet. OMG!! Its ok. Lol. I know how to do it. At least I think I do. Hahaha... Insanity is me. If only I can just truly let go of it all, I will be close enough. Am I caring too much? Or am I caring too little? Just a little more, and I can do it. But it seems that when I reach that crucial step, I fall. Am I even aware of how it happens? Nope. Or rather, consciously not, deep down yes.

I don't have a long post this time. Cos too tired. And cos I dun have much to say. Maybe say Kenny Yap rawks? Lol. And that my friends rule? Hahaha... Good luck to all. I expect more effort from you Josh. Hang in there, and break the limitations!!

2007-01-04T22:02:00.000+08:00

Wanted to blog yesterday, but conked out immediately when I reached home. Slept till 4am. Signed in to see so many chat windows. From people who thought I was appearing offline. Lol. And I promptly fell asleep again. Woke up at 10+. Missed bstats again. OMG!! But I did go for make-up later. Cabbed down to school (not cos I rich, but cos I was DAMN LATE) just in time for OCOM. Did table topics. Just no mood today. Crapped for my topic. Wasnt too badly done. :D Watched a stupid show on Dean's lappie also... Then went for bstats make-up. Met up with Kelvin, Kenny, Li Ching and Nellie at canteen 1. Went leo clubhouse after kenny went class. Jackson came. We crapped. Lol. And discussed leo club bbq event. Went final lesson of bstats peer tutoring by joanne. She was so kinda shocked at my dropped points. Lol. I not shocked, but kinda disappointed, even though I knew I slipped up. Which reminds me of what I read at friendster... the dang horoscope, it turned out to be true sia. Lol.

The Bottom Line

Today you will feel both pride and humility. Pat yourself on the back.

In Detail

Being proud of yourself is a wonderful way to pat yourself on the back and say, 'you rule!' After all, you can't always count on other people to give you the round of applause you deserve on a daily basis. But today an unexpected twinge of guilt could sneak up on you after a proud moment. This is healthy -- your humility is reminding you to keep your feet firmly planted on the ground. You're looking out for yourself on both fronts!

Amazing. Utterly amazing. Hope the next one is correct also.

The Bottom Line

You finally make a strategic move that reveals a whole new level of game play.

In Detail

There's real excitement in store for you today, when you finally discover a clue or make a wise strategic move that reveals a whole new level of game play. It's as if you've discovered a shortcut to a higher level in a video game. This big move ahead might make you feel a bit funny about proceeding, but make no mistake -- you have put in all the work you needed to put in, and you're not getting any preferential treatment. Accept your good luck!

Which game should I be praying for? I don't know. I really am doing my best le, but I cant help getting distracted by ...... but I think its better than before lah. Hope I can buck up soon. Like within this week. Lol. Dun even dare to do my goal no.10 while being distracted, for fear it might get worse. Using pikachu beach volleyball to help me focus. Seems to work somehow. Haha. 10 games of 15-0 straight. Very lucky. But need skill also hor... What doesnt. Lol.

I marvel at destiny. By believing that destiny is within my own control, then working towards what I think my destiny is, is that the fate that was meant to be mine in the first place? For I seem to have no other recourse. Not that at this point in time, I actually want to of course. I admit I was tempted, but ever since the New Year started, I've been reigniting my passion. And motivation. By singularly sticking down this path, because I believe I can do it, does that make it my fate, or is my destiny within my own choosing. Hard to differentiate. In a way, we are all caught by who we are. I made the choices I did because I am who I am. So did you. Do I regret? Sometimes. Will I give up? That is unthinkable. FATE... and as for my results, they havent sucked at as I expected, but I did slipped up!! And on that tack, if I wasnt meant to suck, then why punish me by letting me get thrashed. Haha. Not that I blame a certain young lady from tb26 for doing that, in fact, my best wishes and congratz to her. But the feeling still sucks!! :P

What is it like really? I did mention winning the battle but losing the war. Yet in the current game my mind is on now (or rather, the game I am forcing my mind on now), it might actually be losing the battle but winning the war. What serves and what doesnt would have been according to my whims then. Unclarified values, because I never did expect that particular hurdle when I was 14!! Dang. I am glad that the decision was made for me. Haha. Else who knows how long I might have... stayed a fool. Lol.

It may take a lot of effort, and believe me, its taking a toll on me, but I believe I will emerge all the stronger for it. Hopefully, I can be a better person, and help make others better as well. I'm so grateful for being able to live this life, despite all the challenges and headaches. Being Josh has never been a better experience. I knew I was lacking. I just didnt know what. Now, even if I have just uncovered part of it, its totally worth it.

And a final note on talent. What is talent. Many people look at results, and assume that to be the ultimate definition of talent. True in some ways... talent reaps results. But at the same time, there are people with talent, but are unable to tap on it. As I have mentioned before, this is akin to having diamonds, while not having knowledge of its value, not to mention exploiting it. But the talent is undoubtedly there. So how to recognise it? I think I am at least qualified to speak on this. Results are a combination of several factors, talent being merely one of them, if an important part. Afterall, you may not win a championship with a team of talented players, but you certainly cannot win without one. Since that's the case, it is merely talent which is not being tapped correctly. I would say that generally, it starts with attitude. Are you willing to do the work? If you consistently take up the role of someone who actually starts the work and gets it done, then you're halfway there. The work may not be fantastic. But that is due to lack of knowledge and experience. Not talent. Are you willing to at least take action towards accomplishment of your goals? Like study before exams? You may not believe that you can score (which severely limits your capabilities, believe me) but as long as you did put in the effort, you have earned my respect. What you need is just self-confidence. And most importantly, do you help others? All talents help others. This is a simple truth, but a critical factor. By serving the world, you serve yourself the best. You may impact them in mild ways, but what you lack is just vision, maybe confidence and experience once again. But as long as you are on this track, you can consider yourself to have talent. Build up the other factors, then move on to get the results. If you need help in these, always seek out others who have the characteristics which you lack, then learn from them. Why am I posting this? Because I see people slamming themselves for no reason. Dun worry about results. Worry about character. Once the foundation is there, you can be molded into a talent who achieves results. But you must start from the basics. :D

Onward to us all who are aiming to achieve! And to all those who think I can help, just ask. I may not have the time, but I just might have the resource, or someone whom I can direct you to! Just start believing... and take action... NOW!!

DO IT GUYS!!!

2007-01-02T19:49:00.000+08:00

Trying to blog while facing the "two" problem. Its interesting sia. Whatever. Felt a bit bored, and with nothing but homework and projects to do, thought I would play an old old game from before... too bad Christabel hardly keep in contact with me anymore, else she should recall sia. Short (or long, depending on how you look at it) essay based on quote. Dun ask me why. It was something I just did, and boy, did it do wonders for my compo skills...

So today's contribution, courtesy of Sherilyne my classmate (who seems to have nothing much to do save friendster when she doesnt have friendster account... :P) "Happiness is a journey, not a destination". Btw, Sherilyne, you missed out a "s" when you typed. Lol. Ok, enough teasing.

Is happiness a journey or destination? I wonder. I derive immense fun from the process, but ever has it been the goal which drives me forward and gives me satisfaction at the end of the day. However, I did once thought about it this way... If I was given the objective without having to go through anything, would I feel satisfied, driven, or have any fun? Probably not. So was the satisfaction from the culmination of the process, or was it the end unto itself? Has it to do with my level of want or need? Probably. You know, whenever I do this essay thing, I always wind up with "it depends". Wahaha. Probably for good reason. Staying politically correct. Oh well.

Lets look at happiness as a journey. I think many people would agree that the process itself is usually as important as the result, especially if it is something you want to do. (If its something you hate, then it probably goes against the entire topic in the first place, so it shouldn't even be mentioned) One thing I have noticed, is that while happiness can be relative to oneself, more often, it has to do with the quality of your relationships with the people around you. And if I am correct on that, then the process itself is definitely where happiness lies. Lets take playing soccer as an example. Why play soccer? In soccer, the goal is to outscore the opposition in goals within a limited timeframe. If I were to stand down there, do nothing, and the ball shoots itself at the opposition for the win, I would probably be dead bored. The thrill of playing soccer is what keeps me going for it. Yet, soccer is a team game as well. If my team mates are not having fun, and I do not build up any relationship with them, it makes the game dull. You ever noticed how cohesive teams can smash teams with more talented players apart? When people find joy in the process, it's a magical feeling.

How about happiness as a destination? I won't deny I once ascribed to this. I linked pleasure to achieving my goals, pain to failure to achieve them. When you have experienced the joy of overcoming the odds, the satisfaction of a perfect ending to a long and tiring journey, that is a form of happiness as well. In fact, it can make you so intoxicated when you experience it, you may try to keep setting and going for even more goals. One thing about this is that there is generally a lack of colour in life. I myself have begun to appreciate the finer things and moments in life, and revel in them. If we are entirely fixated on our goals, it is sometimes easy to miss out these small but memorable and vivid things in our lives. So would you prefer a more relaxed lifestyle, enjoying the process and people as it goes, or would you prefer to experience euphoria in a blinding flash all at one go?

That would bring us to differences in personalities. More specifically, the difference in personality that would relate most to this topic would be goal-oriented VS people-oriented. People who are utterly goal-driven can hardly derive any satisfaction other than for attaining their goals. On the other hand, people who are more people-oriented may choose to relax a bit more, enjoying each moment as it passes by. Is there a route which is the best? Once again, it depends... on you!

So is success a journey or a destination? That is entirely up to you. Is a mix of both possible? I certainly hope so, for that is what I am doing my best to attain. My natural tendency would be to let it be a destination, but the process itself does play a huge role towards the end product, its hard to tell what would happen otherwise. So I end it once again with my familiar friend "It depends". :D

Ok, done with that section. I've started on goal no.10, and I'm working my way upwards. How I wish there was another two weeks of holidays left. Then again, if I was given two more weeks, how much longer would I have wallowed in what I did? No idea. Maybe the same amount of time, possibly longer. Oh well, now's not the time for maybes. I am done with crippling myself. Yes, I may still be affected, and it still scares me as much as ever, since I know I will definitely lose should... forget it. But lets hope that doesnt come to pass, and let the personal power of josh shine through... ALL THE WAY!! Give me more time, and I promise I will become who I was before, possibly beyond even that... since there has been so much I have forgotten!!!

2007-01-01T18:22:00.000+08:00

1st of Jan. Start of something new. And as I have said over and over again, the Law of Attraction is not merely a law, it is a way of life. Unfinished business will be resolved before the New Year begins... and once again, my intuition has proven me correct. What is it like to win the battle but lose the war? So what if my hunch was correct? :D Intuition and reality are 2 different things afterall... even if things occured the same in reality as my intuition had it. Oh well, wish I can put my intuition to better use!!

So am I sad? Would obviously be a lie if I said I wasn't, and I am done with concealing myself. But having been prepared for it softens it bah. And the cold, hard realisation that there would have been no other course. Don't even bother to tell me things could have been different for 3 good reasons- 1. What is past is past, 2. I have too many commitments to too many people to break them, 3. My path has been set long ago. I've only this one life to live...

And in my own way, I am glad. Be ready to behold once again, the indomitable josh who will smash apart challenges like they are... tofu, since I seriously dun like the smell of too much butter. Haha. What a life... what a life... If anything, I should blame myself for having been too narrow-minded, all those years back, when I crafted my vision. So many aspects of life were untouched when I did it, because I had believed in total focus. And had it not been for a series of events in October, I would probably have been... as foolish as ever. And by the way, foolish has nothing to do with intelligence. Lol. Thanks for the lesson which has highlighted my failings.

As for what my tenth goal is, it is a project which I have failed before, and which I fear might fail again. So its not out there. Jason, I think you got the wrong idea about what the goal is.. so I'm posting this paragraph. Lol. It was one of my failed goals from 2006.

And what I truly feel at this moment... Something that transcends what I do I suppose. If I've never believed that my destiny is in my own hands, then I might be tempted to just let go with the winds of fate. What I'm feeling right now is a lot of "Ifs" and "Whys", mostly directed at myself. Instead of the usual "Hows". But it's on the way. I need to play games, sharpen my mind.

Will update later. After I start on my programme. Which incidentally is my tenth goal. Since most of you probably don't comprehend it, its pointless to write down anyway. :D

2006-12-31T03:54:00.000+08:00

How wonderful. How fascinating. How amazing. How tiring. How the days have gone by. At this moment, the song "Colours of the Wind" is playing in my mind. A time for reflections. A time for regrets. A time for repentance. A time to reap the rewards. A time to recognise the results. And yea, a time of rain. Lol. And today, on the very last day of the year, I doubt that I will sleep. Despite what Kenny said, and despite my agreeing with him to live your day as though it is your last day, today for me is a date of significance. It lacks the feel of the previous years. Probably because of my academic calendar. But that doesnt diminish its importance. If anything, maybe being able to be a bit more removed may allow me to ascend to a new level.

Time flies. The year has past by in a flash. How keen the memories. How sweet the victories. How bitter the defeats. Last year this time, I was working at Just Media. How I miss that experience. January, I was looking into business development over marketing. A start of a new journey. February, I got my O Level results, rushed to NP, and submitted my application for Business Studies. March, I visited the last few seminars I would for the year, as my time spun out of my control. April, I began on my academic path oncemore, beginning with Sports Camp and FOC. May, I had to endure whatever negative things people thought about me in order to achieve the results I wanted. June, I did well for Common Test, was on track for CCA Points target, and received positive news for my scholarship application. July, eye infection and project pressure. August, exams, meeting the director of BA, and having a workshop with my fellow scholars. September, I concluded that I needed to shift my track for CCAs, and had something close to my first burnout. October, I began to explore a side of myself I've been neglecting in my pursuit for achievement, as well as participated in the IVP for Chinese Chess, in which we got second. November, I achieved my goal of topping my cohort, and at the same time, was discovering that my relationship with some people had started to change unwittingly. December, I was distracted, committed the most number of slip-ups ever, acknowledged that I had fallen in love, while also having the time of my life.

I achieved 8 of the 10 goals I set last year. So yea, I'm gonna tell myself here "Josh, I'm proud of you, but you can do better! :D" Admidst all these achievements though, there have been multiple sad stories left in their wake... and here I am to say sorry. Many of them won't hear it, but I truly am sorry. To Azhar and co., for not having caught up with you guys as I promised. To Jimmy and Mike, I am so sorry to disappoint both of you, but I guess I am not ready. To those people whom were disappointed with me in my CCAs for various reasons... especially to Arthur, I am sorry for having to make those excuses. Excuses they are, for I have nothing else to defend myself with. I was over-reaching, and I paid and am paying the price for it. To Ziwei for not having been there as I hoped I would. To my class for probably having been overbearing at times. To my project mates for the little time I have for meetings. To my tutors for assignments incompleted. To the lecturers for skipping the lectures. To Jackson, for not showing the care and concern you need. To Kelvin, for being unable to alleviate your loneliness. To Jason, for not being able to be there, as I know you hoped I would. To *****( just in case :P)... for not daring to tell you I like you. Haiz.

The list spans on. Sorry for missing out on you if you think your name should be there. As you guys can see, for all that I have managed to get under my belt, there has been many failures, disappointments, and regrets. So many in fact, that I am so tired of it all. I remain far from who I want to be. And the greatest lesson this year I truly appreciate now- A man is what he makes of himself. Not his achievements and his goals. But his character. May my failures from this year not haunt me, but instead serve as powerful reminders in my molding as a talent. If you consider it from this angle, those of you who believe me to be "damn pro" or however you want to term it, will realise that there is not much difference between us. People overestimate my intelligence and ability. But they underestimate my potential and drive. Then again, many people underestimate their own potential as well as that of others. Even me.

If I could choose one month to take with me though, it will be December. This month, I got seriously distracted. And this is a powerful lesson to me. I thought that I would always be in control. But nope, I was totally off. One of the failings of youth. This month, I made slip-ups when I shouldnt have, during the Common Test. That may yet serve as a source of motivation for me to put in even more effort for the coming weeks though. If I fall because of that though, then it will serve as yet another powerful lesson. A lesson which is invaluable. It is easy to slip up because of something relatively minor, and regret it for a long time to come. It will make me think before I fall into the same trap again. This month, my brainchild, the project for Leo Club, finally kicked off with Leo Factor, and I am proud of all my fellow Leo Club members who've been there with me to do it. Kudos to CK!! This month, I fell victim to pressure. Pressure which has spurred me on in the past. Thanks for the lesson... knowing that there are limits to what I can yet do or take. This month, I got to know new friends, as well as know some old ones better, though there be some whom seem to drift further. And yah, this month, I realised that I had fallen in love. I guess I don't need to elaborate on the feelings here, think most of you should have experienced the same, as well as the conflicts in the mind that spring from it. But I wouldnt have had it any other way. Indeed, I was intoxicated by it, and allowed my own distraction. Whether it be blessing or bane, I know not, but it has given me great joy, and I feel all the more grateful to everyone.

According to the lunar calendar, I belong to the year of the dragon. As such, this year wasn't supposed to be a good year, while the coming one is. I dunno how you guys feel, but if this year is supposed to be bad, imagine how good the coming one will be for me. Hahaha... Looking at the characteristics of the dragon and the snake, it is not hard to figure out that I really am more like a dragon child. God bless. Lol. My birthday within 17 days. As that day looms closer, I have to answer two rather important questions. Firstly, what is the value of my life? Secondly, what is my purpose in life? Being 18 is a landmark. Since it is an age by which people are supposed to be more matured, I better start acting like it. Lol. One thing I have learnt... respect. Even if others don't, if you believe enough in one thing, give it enough respect. Like punctuality. :D

Let the reflections pass. Haha. And look ahead into the future. What do I see? Crossroads. Challenges abound. Criss-crossing of paths. Most importantly, I see hope. Hope for a better future, advancement year after year, and me coming into my own power. To fully revel in being who I am... that would be fun. And to mold myself into someone whom is more like who I aspire to be. I see juniors coming in, and I hope to help shape some of their paths as mine was shaped. I see competitions, I see results. If only I can see her within that vision as well... but that is not up to me. Oh well... my brain is revved up, so I have two autopilot softwares running in my brain right now. Is that the best I can do? Can I exude even more control? And should I? Questions... where are the answers... where has my solution-orientation gone to? Not gone with the wind, only blind when it comes to such matters.

Top 10 GOALS for 2007

1. Top my cohort (once again)
2. Represent NP for competitions (at least 5)
3. Reduce CCA Involvement (Only 4 CCAs at the max)
4. Get more involved in youth activities on nation-wide scale (Central CDC, Hi-5 Youths)
5. Clinch scholarship for Year 2007/2008
6. Build a team capable of challenging for top honours in the challenges we take up
7. Set KPIs for myself, and give myself weekly reviews
8. Learn to lead so that team members are satisfied, motivated and accomplish the work.
9. To meet 90% of all duties expected of me, which are to be clarified beforehand.
10. :D (1 personal goal for myself... say easy not easy, say hard not hard)

There's a difference in the style of my goals eh. May refine them in the future. Lalala...

There are many other things that I have to do, but let's just leave it at this. Or shall I? :D This year, I sure also complete at least 5 audio courses that I have. So there. Starting tomorrow. I dun wanna drag too much, since there are people whom are probably dying from reading this post. So I shall give them a break for now. But if I feel like doing it later, there might be more updates! :P

2006-12-25T16:30:00.000+08:00

Just feel like blogging somemore. If my whole life revolved around just one thing, then how do I do what I do. Haha... Once again, some of you underestimate me, whilst others overestimate me. Bing-Bang-Boom!! And I've been a fool shutting myself away... Though I cant really estimate how much it has helped me as well. The positives and negatives with everything in life... If only things were all quantifiable! Hahaha...

Pump pump pump it up,
Pump the WINNING spirit UP!!

Get get get it up,
Get the WINNING spirit UP!!

Now now now its up,
Now the WINNING spirit UP!!

Keep keep keep it up,
Keep the WINNING SPIRIT UP!!

So many things left in life to experience... and its time to start pushing past the barriers. Sorry people, I prefer to have symbolism when doing things. Hahaha... So this period of time rocks for me. Christmas... joy, peace, hope. And coming is New Year, a time for resolutions and goals!! This year, I gonna fastforward the goals part. Simply cos the earlier the better. :D Learnt a new style of goal-setting, seems much more effective. Gonna try it out. Regardless of the goals which will change, I know of at least some that will not. Goals that have been there all the way. Lol.

As usual, I will not look beyond these 2 and a half years. Life is too unpredictable, and who knows how I might have changed by then...

Unlock Your Potential

1. Imagine that you have the inborn ability to achieve any goal you could ever set for yourself. What do you really want to be, have, and do?

I want to be the very best in as many areas as I can, have someone whom makes my life complete, and the resources to allow me to do that, as well as spend my time on earth leaving a lasting legacy to benefit the whole world.

2. What are the activities that give you your greatest sense of meaning and purpose in life?

This is a hard question. I love so much of what I do. Probably engaging in business stuff. As well as looking to bring joy to the other.

3. Look at your personal and work life today and identify how your own thinking has created your world. What should you or could you change?

I should change my perception, fire up my motivation daily, and take action whenever necessary.

4. What do you think and talk about most of the time- what you want or what you don't want?

Simple question. What I want of course.

5. What is the price you will have to pay to achieve the goals that are most important to you?

I don't know. I really don't. Time and effort for sure.

6. What one action should you take immediately as the result of your answers to the above questions?

Start setting my goals! :D

Take Charge of Your Life

1. Identify your biggest problem or source of negativity in life today. In what ways are you responsible for this situation?

This is both simple and difficult sia. My biggest problem is lack of motivation, courage and action. I am responsible for this situation by allowing myself to be distracted, and not having taken any steps to resolving it. I also did not gather enough courage to push past all my 5 barriers, as at some level, I have been unwilling to do so.

2. See yourself as the president of your own company. How would you act differently if you owned 100% of the shares?

Isnt this a simple question for me. Lol. I would keep working on the business, developing systems then hiring team members to fill up those positions. I would then move on to getting out of the business, before duplicating the wheel over and over again.

3. Resolve today to stop blaming anyone else for anything and instead aceept complete responsibility in every area of your life. What actions should you be taking?

Ah... my inner turmoil. Deep down, other than myself, I have hardly been blaming anyone else. Each failure etches itself in there, and I've been feeling the full brunt of the pain. Oh well. There are just so many things I will have to do though. Picking up leadership skills, becoming a more dependable person, seizing opportunities as they come along instead of deliberating, causing myself such headaches, prioritisation, time management, blah blah. Far from peak performance.

4. Stop making excuses and start making progress. Imagine that your favourite excuses have no basis in fact, and act accordingly.

Oops. My favourite excuse- "No time". Is it an excuse? Actually, yes. For all the time that is taken up, I do actually have a lot more time. Just that I am lazy. So time management. Next excuse- "Not enough resources". An excuse that shouldnt even be uttered by me. I've seen the Law of Attraction work countless times. Solution: be more solution-oriented. Next excuse- "It doesn't matter". Actually, it does matter. And it matters a lot. Guess I gotta be honest with myself.

5. See yourself as the primary creative force in your own life. You are where you are and what you are because of your own choices and decisions. What should you change?

I, Josh, declare that I am 100% responsible for the results in my life, due to my own actions and reactions. What I should change- 1. Take more action in life, instead of procrastinating left and right. 2. Having the courage to face my own challenge, and be ready to accept the conclusion. 3. I should change the way I interact with others, and truly learn to appreciate people for who they are. 4. I should focus on developing personal power, while remembering that personal power does not just come from within but without as well. 5. I should motivate myself every single day, and magnify the law of attraction.

6. Resolve today to forgive anyone who has ever hurt you in any way. Let it go. Refuse to discuss it again. Instead, get so busy working on something that is important to you that you don't have time to think about it again.

Well bargained and done.

Create Your Own Future

1. Imagine that there is a solution to every problem, a way to overcome every limitation, and no limit on your achieving every goal you can set for yourself. What would you do differently?

I would start my own business right away. I would ask for an answer right away. I would initiate things at an even faster pace than ever before.

2. Practice "back from the future thinking." Project forward five years and look back to the present. What would have to have happened for your world to be ideal?

I would have started my own business and been profiting greatly from it. I would have pursued a girlfriend (read soul-mate :P). I would have worked out regularly. I would have gotten the Ngee Ann Kongsi Gold Medal. I would have lead NP SIFE to victory. I would have been challenging the extremes every single day, in order to mold myself into the person to achieve all of it.

3. Imagine your financial life was perfect in every way. How much would you be earning? How much would you be worth? What steps could you take, starting today, to make these goals a reality?

At "retirement" stage, I would want $10,000 a month. However, if I decided to continue in the business world, my aim is $1M a month, and I want to be a billionaire. Once again, I shall devote my time to business every single day, for a minimum of 2 hours, and start looking out for business opportunities. Also, I shall be looking at my financial plan every week.

4. Imagine your family and personal life was perfect. What would it look like? What should you start doing more of, or less of, starting today?

My requirements are simple. Haha. I just want someone to be there for me when I need it, and for people to not be hesitant to approach me. I suck in this department so much, I also dunno what I should do for now. Advice people?

5. Plan your perfect calendar. Design your year from January to December as if you had no limitations. What would you change, starting today?

I would like to hit the streets on the weekends, play soccer occasionally, and have gatherings with my friends. During my vacations, I would like to have time to explore into obscure subjects, visit the beach for a few days, and spend time with someone. :D I would like to visit Disneyland, and see for myself the genius creation of Walt Disney. If I had no limitations and complete control over my time, I would dedicate 80% of my time to achieving my goals, and 20% for others. Yes, I am a workaholic.

6. Imagine your levels of health and fitness were perfect in every way. What could you do, starting today, to make your vision for yourself into a reality?

Work out regularly. Plan my diet. Actually, I am blur in this area also. :D

2006-12-25T03:45:00.000+08:00

And on Christmas Eve, I am struck by many feelings. Went on a trek to see how the businesses do during this period of time. In truth though, it was a journey to find myself once again. As much peace and joy as I have obtained, as long as the barriers are not broken, then I still cannot reach that level. To do that, I sought balance. To let my passion for business take up the balance... And it did work to a certain extent. If only I had more courage to smash past it all... when the challenges are not a matter of ability but a matter of spirit, it is a whole new game. Faced with so many problems of so many people, for the first time, I feel so helpless. If I cant even resolve my own, how do I aid others? The line between right and wrong for me has ever been blurred... I will see how things go... At least, I found out one thing today. I am someone who can take it up, and let go as needed. Except for that one factor, I am ready.

I would talk about the trek, but there isnt much to say. Much went as expected. Saw many many people whom knew me. Well, NP flooded the streets. Sianz. Today, there is so much to blog about, but a lot of stuff that is too private to show the world. Many concern others, else I would speak out. What to say? That I am a fool? That I am lost? Or that I am grateful? Or that I am both happy and sad? I have the feeling I will lose this game. My instincts hardly prove wrong. Haha. Although I may lose the game, but it may yet help me win the war. Life is just too unpredictable. Onward Josh... onwards... there is no other path, for all have been severed by who you are... Forgive me... But when will I forgive myself? Now I understand why enlightenment is so hard. We can see a trap and fall into it willingly. Compared to the pure enjoyment of life, what is enlightenment? But who knows whether those who are enlightened enjoy the pleasures of life more than us? What is the right path? This time, I know not even what serves and what doesn't.

By the way, the above post is just a post by the confused me. I think I've been reading and thinking far too much. Yet, what to do? Bah bah black sheep, have you any wool... maybe that is the best path to go... All the way to IMH... LOL!! Relax guys, Josh is Josh in the end, and will come up more than unscathed. If only people were quantifiable variables... but that would take the fun outta life. BAH!!

2006-12-19T00:18:00.000+08:00

Wow, seems like some people managed to read my post that is no more. Haha. Interesting. Does it truly matter whether you did? My feelings and challenges are my own, no more can you resolve them than anyone else, except those involved, can. And now, I have both more clarity and am more confused and emotional than ever. Haha. Flare of jealousy left and right. Haiz, maybe I was wrong. But what if I am right. Josh stuck at a crossroads, unable to make a decision.. first time this ever happens. Oh well, lets move on to the happy stuff....

Saturday was very enjoyable. :D Sunday I had loads of fun cycling at ECP, for the Amazing Race. Cliff managed to injure himself in 10 mins, but yea, overall it was quite ok. I love the outdoors stuff really, but my time hardly allows me to indulge in it. When will I get to cycle again?? Hahaha... Today absolutely rawked though. LEO FACTOR!!! A project brought about by my initiative, and its the very first one... Hahaha... The attendance was better than I expected, and most importantly, the participants had fun! And this will definitely help us bond. Gods, maybe I should have began on this earlier. My plan is to make it a monthly thing! As in monthly event, not every month play captain's ball and all. :)

Then went Vivo with Jackson, Kelvin and Cliff. Known the first 2 for like 8 months, first time we watch movie together, despite how often we hang out as a group. Shows how busy we are. :S :S :S Still, its better late than never. The movie itself, deja vu was nothing too captivating, mainly due to the fact I could predict the storyline, but that might have been kinda unfair seeing the kind of reading I have made into this area. It highlighted what many authors and I myself believe. Like destiny being a matter of choice, time being a river, and the diverging courses, what happens when a timeline is shattered, time and space being a matter of perspective etc.

How I pray that Christopher is right. You know, his grades may not be good, but so what? He is one of my favourite seniors. Hahaha... I love him as much as he loves me. Lol. In a buddy kinda way. Chris all the way!! His mature thinking but friendly and cheerful countenance is a relief to me. Haha. Jackson is kinda like a more outgoing, friendly, but rash and occasionally doesn't think deeply enough me. And Kelvin is the opposite, being more quiet, reflective, but also more vulgar. And I am the one with a super huge ego problem, as well as an idiot and fool when it comes to managing my emotions. Jason is like an elder me, who has gone down the same way of thinking but can advise me with his experience. And so many more. Whatever omnipotent force out there has blessed me with these people in my life, thank you so very much!! We all have our own faults, but together, we will make it!

So what I pray Chris is right about? Keep on guessing... Hahaha... Chris, u better be right sia!!

2006-12-15T11:19:00.000+08:00

Rare for me to make post after post, but since so many of you have read the previous post and queried... :D Just wanna say thanks to you guys.. Hahaha...

You guys should have a bit more faith in me though. I am josh. Since when am I down for long. Lol. And here you are, the josh that you know is back once again. How did that happen? You can say that there were 2 locks. I opened up one, but didn't have the courage to act on the second. But that second lock alone is not enough to drive me to that kind of distraction by itself. Will it affect me? Only time will tell. But right now, I am Josh. And that should be enough for you guys yea... Hahaha... Kinda regret not having put in my best effort for the common test. But that will only spur me for the finals. So don't write me out of the race yet (as if anyone would yea ;D) Frances talked about me fearing rejection over failure. As I told her, to me, there is little difference between the two, though to some extent, she is right. As it stands now, in my journey to overcome fear and achieve, I've managed to wind up with fears greater than I imagined. I fear losing what I have, and that will affect performance. I fear losing out, because I hate losing, especially when I've experienced the joy of winning. I don't really fear the rejection, for that day when I find the courage, I will be totally victorious, just in a different way than if I were accepted. What do I mean? :D If I can find the courage and let my feelings out, then I will have gained an important victory over myself, and step up on the path to becoming the person I wish to be. In that context, rejection may dent me for awhile, but for the long run, it will just mean that josh is josh. And if I am accepted, then joy beyond joy of course. Do I really lose? Depends on how you look at it maybe. But I am satisfied with that course of thinking.

If I want to be a legend, then like any of them, I will have to face the trials and tribulations to mold me into becoming someone capable of reaping that destiny. I will have to let who I really am shine out, and use those defining qualities to not just overcome the opposition, but let the competition respect, even revere me. It may seem like a small test, but to me, few tests remain small now. All are indications of who I am. The tiniest decisions could have a major impact on me, and there is never a better time than now to pick up the art of decision making. What are my values and beliefs? How do I make sure these qualities define who I am in all aspects of life? These are some of the questions I have to answer. Oh, as for those whom were wondering what my nick meant... let's say that I wanted to do something, and had already resolved to do it. At the very instant I started on it, I didn't follow it to the end, but I had already broken past the first lock- myself. I used a strategy that I didn't follow through on to achieve the end that I wanted. Hahaha. Does that make me weak? Maybe. But I am only human afterall. So very unjosh-like, I know...

I have the feeling I have reached a higher level than before because of this experience. And I am so grateful to her for making it happen. I don't know how things will turn out in the end, but I do know I have become a better person for it. I have reached a new level of calm, and at times, a stage where right and wrong blurs, where that which exists is all those that either serve or doesn't. I have experienced emotions I never did before, which will help me to control my buried passions. I may be able to understand others a bit better now. And most importantly, I have learnt to let go. That does not mean that I have lost my competitive spirit, it just means that... dunno how to explain. But sometimes, things don't need explanations. Its like going for a roller coaster ride. And I do feel a bit like I did when I had my first roller coaster ride. Hahaha...

2006-12-12T21:57:00.000+08:00

Tried to blog a few days back. Mindblock. So yup, didn't. Haiz... whatever the heck is wrong with me, someone make it right... I am dropping points left and right, and not just in terms of studies. At first, my head was there but my heart was not. Now, even mere acquaintances can sense that neither my heart nor my head is there. Did I give up unconsciously? Or am I falling into a trap willingly? I've never lost control of my head before... not in this manner at least. A world with few emotions, mostly focused on the passion for competition and winning. Yet now, even I question myself. Not that I doubt myself, I just doubt whether being right is that important. I've always been that competitive, but still, my life is kinda devoid of vibrance for some time. Others see nothing but my results and assume. I'm finding it meaningless. Nothing can quench my desire to be no.1, or so I assume. But that process of getting is long, weary, littered only with occasional outbursts of colour and stimulation. I feel so useless. For all I can achieve, I am hardly happy or satisfied. Some people would love to be in my position, but I guess the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence.

I feel bloody useless. I lack courage. I lack focus. I lack so many things. No, its nothing about self-confidence. If I were to really take action for most things against most of my peers, I would definitely be 100% sure of success. But I don't dare to face myself. I don't dare to face my desires. I don't do what I really want to do. I don't dare to take action this time, for fear of all things. I am so torn, I can barely concentrate. Numbing myself with food and games, but right now during the common test, this is dangerous so to say. But in a way, I don't really care anymore. If someone were to tell me I failed, I would be devastated, but not really in the way I would have been before. The pressure of performing... some of you just think that I can depend on talent all the way. My parents see me playing com games and assume that poly is easy. My peers see me slack in class and lectures, and assume I study hard at home. And some think that I can be answer key despite all that. Well, I would say that I study smart for sure, but with hardly any intensity these days. My body's in the game, but my heart and mind are not. No matter how foolish I am, even I will not assume that I can perform in this instance.

Been deleting all my negative posts before this one, but decided not to this time. If I cant face myself at my worst when I am at my best, then I will probably be stuck in this rut forever. Dumb, sad, tired, and lonely, that's me at the moment. I so wish there is someone I can unburden myself to, someone who can understand and empathise.... Which actually probably is the root of all these challenges. I'm like a tangled know of emotions right now, an idiot who has been burying everything inside, and in the process of trying to overcome fear, just became more and more fearful...

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

2006-12-07T10:01:00.000+08:00

Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Got this from Kenny's blog also. The questions were like damn vague, but except for 1 part, on "seriousness of your love" :D I think that this assessment is kinda damn accurate. Like the right job for me. It was a conclusion that I reached. But at the same time, it is something that I am foolish about. I know I shouldnt, but yet I do, just because of the thrill of it. Being regarded as talented in several areas has its advantages, but the richness of options dull my potential. What to do... Because of this challenge, I've been having problems setting goals... As if I didnt have enough to consider right before this happened... Oh well... Thinking too much is not a good thing.

Not been sleeping much recently. Amazing mental energy coursing through me. 6h sleep in 3 days. Lol. Don't know what's going on. Not a good thing to happen right before common test though. Oh well, fate. So let's see the conclusion on my personality up there...

I love the straightforward and efficient problem solver part. Hahaha... I may like to give a twist to things to mock people, but when it comes to expressing my feelings and thoughts, I am direct. I am direct about what I want too! :D As for solving problems... the person who can serve problems the most efficient and effective way usually earns the most! Yea, I am not looking for just a girlfriend in that sense of the word. Am I looking for a life partner? Maybe. Even I don't know. Getting to know a person well is simple for me. Psycho-analyst at your service. Haha... I've been right about so many things about so many people, if I happen to love manipulation, good luck to many people...

I don't flirt. Do I? Lol. And yup. education is important to me. Not formal education, but education as in learning and growing in personal power. I do lack focus on what I want to do... Why do I have so many interests... And why do I seem to be good at so many of them. :P To just focus is practically impossible for me right now.. my path is chosen yet the track remains unknown.. Fate? And yah, of course I am confident about success. If not for anything but one reason- Life is too short for me to lie low and just survive. As a DC, I do hate to lose control of the situation, especially when I'm on the losing end. I hate losing with a passion. Lol. Full of energy and confidence. Of course! And yah, my mood changes fast... as fast as my thoughts do I guess!

One of my shortest posts ever I think...

2006-12-03T14:48:00.000+08:00

Saw these at Kenny's blog, decided to take the tests too... I find the results... interesting

Your Values Profile

Loyalty:

You don't really value loyalty.
In your opinion, friendship should be earned.
If you don't agree with someone, it doesn't matter how close you are.
You'll let them (and everyone else know) exactly what you think.

Honesty:

You don't really value honesty.
You do value getting your way, no matter what.
And if a little lying is required to do that, no problem.
A few white lies never hurt anyone (at least, that's what you tell yourself!)

Generosity:

You don't really value generosity.
Your needs always come first, no matter what.
And you'll possibly help someone else out...
But only if it helps you in return.

Humility:

You value humility a fair amount.
You tend to be an easy going, humble person.
But occasionally your ego takes over.
You have a slight competitive streak - and the need to be the best.

Tolerance:

You value tolerance highly.
Not only do you enjoy the company of those very different from you...
You do all that you can to seek it out interesting and unique friends.
You think there are many truths in life, and you're open to many of them.

The Five Factor Values Test

You Are 79% Perfectionist

You are a true perfectionist. You are both demanding of yourself and others.
While it's great to have goals and standards, they don't need to be sky high!

Are You a Perfectionist?

Your Deadly Sins

Envy: 40%

Greed: 40%

Sloth: 20%

Gluttony: 0%

Lust: 0%

Pride: 0%

Wrath: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14%

You will die a boring death. While dying, you will be jealous of those who die dramatic deaths.

How Sinful Are You?

You Are A Good Friend

You're always willing to listen
Or lend a shoulder to cry on
You're there through thick and thin
Many people consider you their "best friend"!

What Kind of Friend Are You?

People Envy Your Confidence

You have the attitude and self esteem to take on anything. Failure is beyond not an option for you - it doesn't even cross your mind.
People envy your ability to take on any challenge ... and they're secretly afraid you think you're better than them. You don't. You're just sure of yourself.

What Do People Envy About You?

You Are 3: The Achiever

You're confident and competent - with a lot of energy.

Eager to reach your goals, you are aambitious and competitive.

You are good at movtivating yourself and motivating others.

You're also a charmer, with a great sense of humor.

What Number Are You?

Your Greed Quotient: 34%

You're a little greedy, but generally you don't let your desire get the better of you.
You know that good things will come to you - as long as you wait your turn!

How Much Greed Do You Have?

You Are The Hermit

You posses a great deal of wisdom and the ability to see people for who they are.
You are always looking ahead at the future, developing visions.
A loner, you tend to travel by yourself through life, seeking your own truth.
You don't crave material things or fancy titles. You have no baggage.

Your fortune:

It's possible that there is a unknown guiding figure in your life, ready to help you.
All you have to do is find this person and seek their advice.
It's also possible that you need to start seeking the meaning of your own life.
Either way, there's some deep thinking you need to undertake, and it needs to be done soon.

What Tarot Card Are You?

You are a Self-Discoverer

You're not religious, but you've created your own kind of spirituality.
Introspective and thoughtful, you tend to look inward for the divine.
You are distrusting of all forms of organized religion.
You especially dislike religious gurus and leaders, who you feel are charlatans.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have medium extroversion.
You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.
Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.
But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."

Conscientiousness:

You have high conscientiousness.
Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.
Most things in your life are organized and planned well.
But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.

Agreeableness:

You have high agreeableness.
You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly.
Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone.
You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance.

Neuroticism:

You have low neuroticism.
You are very emotionally stable and mentally together.
Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly.
Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

You Are 74% Thankful

You are a very thankful person - for both the big and little things in life.
Your optimism is powerful. Getting through hard times is fairly easy for you.

How Thankful Are You?

You Are An ENTP

The Visionary

You are charming, outgoing, friendly. You make a good first impression.
You possess good negotiating skills and can convince anyone of anything.
Happy to be the center of attention, you love to tell stories and show off.
You're very clever, but not disciplined enough to do well in structured environments.

You would make a great entrpreneur, marketing executive, or actor.

What's Your Personality Type?

2006-11-27T02:09:00.000+08:00

What’s it like to be you?
Life feels like a constant state of moving from one interesting thing to another, and I can get frustrated when there isn’t enough time to pursue all those interesting things.

I have a wide range of interests. I love to explore the world, how other people live, what they believe in, and what their lives are like. I have a deep need to understand the human condition and what brings people to life, even above difficult odds. I like it when the conversation goes wherever it wants to go—deep imaginative, intellectual, or philosophical conversation. Going off on one theory or another is fun, but long stories with nothing to learn frustrate me.

Ideas mean change. When I meet people who have interesting ideas, talents, or projects, I want to get to know them and help them make whatever they want to do possibly much bigger, more successful, or more impactful than they had intended. I start aligning with them and building trust because I want to get invited in—to probably change whatever they want to do because I tend to see more possibilities. Then we cook up the project. It’s fun to learn. I enjoy that in-the-moment experience of connecting things in my mind. Challenge and intellectual stimulation get me excited.

I just see a different world than the one in which I live, and I admire people who have genuine compassion and a commitment to serve others. I really respect people who have the ability to take the slings and arrows that come with leadership roles and working for change, who can cope with all the misunderstanding and resistance, who can say, “This is an idea whose time has come and we’re going to get it done.” It’s important to me to be in a setting where people are committed, where facts are respected, and where there is a space for people to tell the truth or at least look for the truth—and be open to listening.

Colleagues describe me as someone they can go to when they want an idea or help with an issue or problem they’re trying to solve. I often can condense or simplify a complex idea. I really often know the right words to use, not necessarily the right empathetic words but the right words. Coaching and giving ideas I do well. Just giving direction is boring. I don’t feel things have to be done my way, but they have to be done well.

I am very partner oriented, and being creative together is what makes a relationship alive.
I work a lot, always looking for new projects, something to sink my teeth into, and I am constantly challenging myself to make things better. Things I’ve already figured out I like to put together in a format or structure, so I don’t have to sit down and go through all the nitty-gritty details. I think in terms of the future—why am I here, what is this connected to, where are things going, where did they come from and wouldn’t it be better if…? When my intuition is working it produces a lot of excitement and ideas.

I tend to look at things from a very objective basis. Sometimes I don’t take the time to stop and thank people and let them know I’m trying to build on what they have already done. When I look at things, I am trying to figure out the system—looking beneath, behind, or above, somehow looking beyond the sensory data to figure out how it all works. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out in my head everything around me. Competence is a must, trying to perfect things, finding a new way. I am hardest on myself, with incredibly high standards, and I hold others to my standards even though sometimes I wish I hadn’t. And yet I often seem pretty easygoing.

Fairness and consistency are really important. I feel that people should be treated with respect at all times, and I don’t like behavior demeaning to others. When there is conflict I feel a compulsion to figure it out, to resolve it. When I’m personally involved, it can be difficult to initiate a discussion about the conflict. Sometimes I feel inadequate.

I think life is a puzzle and we keep playing with how to fit the pieces together. Something new and challenging is always more interesting to me than something I am already competent at.

OMG truest description I've seen so far. That's exactly who I am...

2006-11-19T22:51:00.000+08:00

I had a post before this. But deleted it. My thoughts change faster than ever I guess. And this time, it has really changed me... I recognise this feeling, having gone through it once before. Just that this time, it's a transformation of more than my thoughts. Recovering my energy got me to think like I havent in a long time. And day to day, those thoughts keep changing. But yesterday, it all struck me at one go. What has been lacking in my life. A lesson that I cant verbalise yet. But its a life I can visualise. Its a life that will materialise. I cant run away from fate. As the circle goes round and round...

We live our lives a circle, and wander where we can
Yet after fire and wonder, we end where we begin

This does not mean that I will take the path I did. This time, the focus is on letting that person within me out. I still want to be the best, and will be the best, but life is there... for me to enjoy. If we shall all end where we begin, then the journey will be what makes the difference, and I intend to make it a memorable one for myself... full of joys, delights, and overcoming of challenges and fears!

I am really grateful for the people around me, for their belief in me has helped spur me on, for they have allowed me to do what I love best, and bear with the rubbish I have. And with such a talented group, we definitely can go on to achieve far more. If they want to that is.. and if someone leads us all, or steps out to lead us all. Will that person be me? :D

Regardless of that, its time to take new initiatives in life. I have grown really comfortable with that I've been doing, because I think its fair to say that few people could have done it. Then an admonishment flies into my head... "Just because you can doesn't mean you should." And yup, with all these time to think and rest, I think my reflections just indicate one thing... I've been doing and doing, without keeping in mind what I'm doing. Of course I am happy to be doing, taking action towards my dreams is definitely worth it. But just what is my vision of the life I want to live? Is my life devoted purely to business? I think countless people might have achieved loads and loads of wealth, but why didn't they challenge for the top? Is it because they don't have the luck, have the passion, or is it that they found things that are more worthwhile, that wealth creation is only a tool for them to reach their dreams? To be honest, when I question myself, I don't see myself in business for all that long. Why? I am a person of so many interests, of multiple passions, and I am exhilarated when I indulge in any of them. The flare of life in me when I play soccer, that searing moment when I strategised my way to win in chess, the harmony I feel when I play the harmonica... And what's more, I aspire to be more. Business is undoubtedly my passion, but there are other ways to bring forth its power. Such as through SIFE, through using its principles to develop organisations, through helping people to help themselves...

I was lost. And I still am lost. But for how long more? That energy I felt sometime back might just have been a prelude to this... or not. But now I know it does not matter. Just living for the moment might be foolhardy, but what more is there to life? After the plan is set, just follow it and live it out! And stop worrying for the future! That has been one of my weaknesses thus far, no matter what I may have said or done. :D Being unable to let go... now I understand Ken Blanchard's "The Present". Maybe I realised that it was a waste of my talent.. I know I am amazing when my head is totally in the game, and I am a very "on the game" person. By pushing myself to keep planning is a waste of that. Why not just let go and unleash all that energy within...

Business shall be my career. There was never any doubt of that, but now, I would like to reaffirm it with myself once again. But is business just what most people think it is? I've been reading on a wider basis once more, and I see business practices being used for... martial arts, meditation, even in the teachings of sages and philosophers. God knows which side adapted from which, but this shows a point... what it is, go think about it.

Consumed by a relentless urge to learn now. Does it matter if I mess up? Yes it does. But I will recover from it I suppose. And be a better man for it. The person I am and the person people think me to be is actually very different, yet not that different. The difference is in the weaknesses, the fears, the mindset. If only I allow that person within to come out...

And back to a very important point. Many things no longer matter. And many things that used to not matter matters now. Do not be surprised at what I will do. And really be prepared. Change comes... And it will affect you, if you're reading this!

2006-11-12T18:33:00.000+08:00

Temptation after temptation. I had so many people asking me what the temptation was. Isn't it a temptation to ask me in the first place. Hehe. For the past few days, I've been doing loads and loads of thinking. Just ask Dong Yue, Kelvin, Chuen Kiat, or the people I've chatted with. Haha. From dawn to dusk... Contemplating the game... The same end, but different track? Or will I have started off on a path that will lead me to a different destination. Is the sacrifice worth it, or is it in truth not a sacrifice at all. Whatever... I'm done with it. No matter what happens from now, the die has been cast. Announcing my intentions spur action. :D

First things first- I'm gonna get back to my old ways of learning new stuff, then applying them. Living on clockwork has gotten damn boring. Some people would say my life is eventful, but after having gone for so many things, it begins to get rather repetitive. Everyday, I have to ask myself what event is it that I have after school. Then I go for it. Then I go home. Do my work, till I'm exhausted. Sleep. The cycle repeats... I long for the seminars, meeting new people, learning more and more stuff. Reminded once more that I don't have to be a specialist. Thank god for the warning. Was going to make the same mistake I did before... And I've also decided that it doesn't matter whether I'm the star player, as long as those who want to be are given the chance to.

No.1 Action- Suspend CCA Activities (Except for SIFE mainly)

I know... There are many arguments and all, but the one thing I need now is time. Loads of it. To plan. To research. To learn. To find. And most importantly, to feel. I'm so settled into what I do, the passion is like a candle flame now. It keeps on burning, but when will it ever ignite a bonfire. To truly find myself again, I need to reflect. To become who I am going to be, I need to think about how to get there. And this time, I believe I have the right tools.

No.2 Action- Announce that I am not going for leadership positions (except for SIFE also.. LOL)

Some people seem to think that I worked so hard just so I can secure leadership positions. To those people- UR DEAD WRONG. I believe that the path through cca activities could help me learn, so I placed in effort for it. What is another leadership position 20 years in the future? It is the skills, the contacts, the reputation, and the actions that really matter. So in case any of them think I'm doing ir for leadership positions... Feel free to go for them. You won't see me competing with you.

No.3 Action- Look for competitions

My focus will be on competitions next year. I only know of a few till now, so to increase awareness and exposure, time to go searching about for them! Also, learn how to prepare for them, and get to building a team for it. I not only intend to win, I intend to bring things to a scale I've never played with before. If people believe in me with the results from my so-divided attention, imagine what I can accomplish if I was FOCUSED...

No.4 Action- Clear my projects. And study.

I have a good chance for the gold medalist. Might as well go for it. Instead of just playing about, it's time to get really serious. Starting from now. OCOM, CATS, CIP, CATS... And revise every single day. Yup, every single day. And it will be so much more than just school stuff...

No.5 Action- Read. Hear. Do. Change. Until It Works.

No point elaborating on this. Those who know only know as much as they should. Those who don't know can guess. Actually, its pretty much just a reminder to myself... To read my books, and listen to my audios. And to do what they suggest. And change the strategy until I get the result. Hahaha... I'm going insane.

Kinda short post for me, but I don't have time. :D

2006-11-11T00:04:00.000+08:00

Seized by a sudden urge to blog. Dunno what's wrong with me. Haha. Maybe sleep is making me feel better.... My way of thinking seems to be changing all the time nowadays, although the end remains the same, the track is ever-changing.... is this maturity or inmaturity. Only time can tell I guess. Or maybe I've become lazier...

I will never ever bog up my time with an activity every single day of the week again. It may sound glamarous, but what is living life like that? I do not need the CCA Points. I need time to evolve, learn, grow, and plan to take action. Constant action nearly killed me. My falling sick probably is something that would have happened sooner or later. That track may lead me to become a legend, but of what use is an empty legend, draining away my very life? There are many other things to live for. I hope that those on the same path, whether I've been an influence, to not follow in my steps and overkill.

Some people think that my life must be easy. They believe in intelligence, in talent, and that they do not have the capability to achieve outstanding results. Forgive me if I sound blunt, but that's bullshit. Being in many CCAs, and also able to score well? How many smart people are there around? It is not just a matter of intelligence. Looking at CCAs, there are people who have tons of activities as well. Balancing both requires more than talent. Argue all you want, but to be honest, I think my talent is no more than anyone else. I think that Jackson, Kenny, Kelvin, Li Zhen, Kai Shin, Roxanne, and a few others are no less capable than me, if not more. Was it fun? Yes, for a time. Is it fun now? To a certain extent, but the lethargy drains me, affecting more than the work i produce.

I have already decided to break away from most CCAs. Maybe you would think that it is a rash decision, since I have the potential of getting several leadership positions. But so what? CCA Points? Cramming myself with so much work I nearly die? God knows how much I miss the days of learning, seeking out mentors, visiting seminars, and all. To have the chance to read, learn, and apply all the information that I have would be a far more valuable investment of my time. My commitment stays the same though- I will remain in SIFE, and do my best for it! Next, those who want my help, always feel free to approach me. If it's for CCA, as long as I think it is for something worthwhile, I will gladly help you out. (no need for the CCA Points anymore) My name has become studies + cca points... and while I am going to continue to aim for excellence in studies, I think being labelled as CCA Point chionger is stupid. I just regard it as a game of numbers. It was overkill, but I think that it has been worth it till now.

What I need to improve on- becoming a team player, and becoming a great leader. In terms of personal excellence and commitment when I'm on the field of play, I think I have shown some remarkable achievement. But it's time to move on to a greater stage, and lead teams to produce even greater results than I myself can. Not only is it a vital skill, but I'm not happy with the way I go for the "star player" role. The star player can make an impact on the game, but it takes a team to win it. By assuming that role too easily, and abandoning the true job of a leader, the battle is won, but the war is lost. To me, that is totally unacceptable when I think about it. Haiz. Been slamming myself for that, but it's gonna be a hard habit to break... that role is too easy to assume.. Especially with what I have already learnt about business...

Been wishing I can take a week's break from school. Have a real holiday, maybe go M'sia walk and shop, or go tour around sg (not that there's much to it). Then I come back to school refreshed, hyped up, back to the energetic me from before. Of course, that not gonna happen, but it's a man's right to dream. Haha. With so much work to do, when will that ever happen? After common test perhaps? But that's 5-6 weeks from now??! Gosh.... Maybe its time to let go. And as Jason said, let fate decide. Maybe something good will come out of it all?

Many more things to talk about, but I will leave them for the next post. Gonna come up with some concrete plans... The restructuring of Josh- story from beginning to end (part 1)

2006-10-30T12:28:00.000+08:00

For the past few days, things have accelerated far beyond my imagination. Removing myself from the game is out of the question, the thing is, how best do I play the game? Worst still, it is not just one game, but 4 or 5!! And my time has to be divided into playing that many. Looking at the puzzles on each board makes it even harder. My head is spinning, swimming, and worse still, my battery keeps going flat. :D

Finding it hard to keep awake. Wonder what I got myself into. Where oh where did my energy go? Sleeping during lectures is one thing, it's doing my best to focus that causes me a headache. What's even more interesting is that ideas are flooding in, and I am so tempted to go for even more. (yah, even in this stage of lethargy) And the even more funny thing is, people seem to keep giving me opportunities. If as Kelvin said, that I truly am a GEM, I don't think I am shining that brightly! Haha.

And then, I have people trying to "psycho" me into getting a gf. And as I told Dong Yue, yea, I am so tempted. Lol. And just for fun, I recalled a list I did before, and since I am feeling very open right now, I shall be posting it here.

Qualities:
Loyal
Supportive
Patient
Sensible
Calm
Attractive
Intelligent

If you don't know what the list is for, try banging your head against the wall. It helps.

For my studies, I am doing my best to psycho myself as well, but knowing so many competitiors does give stress. Last semester, everyone was on a more even level, but now that the playing field is changed, can I still produce the same results? I see (and hear of) many people being far more motivated than before, wonder what it will be like next year. And yah, for the first time in dunno how long, I didn't finish my tutorial (bstats), cos I didn't know how to do. OMG. And it's the first tutorial. Ok, maybe I was too tired to think at the time, but excuses are too rampant for me to think this way. Thriving on pressure is one thing, being assailed by it in so many aspects of life is another.

CCAs are becoming even more crazy. Left and right, I have people asking me to commit. (Jason, special case for you, I did promise you that as long as you are there, so will I :D ) It is interesting how many of them ask me to quit other CCAs, yet when I want to quit theirs, they advise against it. If every single CCA does the same, when will I ever quit anything? So sorry I had to be firm with some. I need time not just for myself. I realised that to develop myself as a leader, I need time to do so as well. Stretching myself too thin is a challenge- not that I do not want to overcome it, but since I already know the answer and know how badly I will fall, I think I shall not go into that. Facing myself is becoming tougher than ever. Haha.

Also, I am so sorry to admit that I have been procrastinating on the business plan. Not only am I so caught up in the other aspects of life, but I think that fear is catching up with me after all. That has become a challenge with achieving, the more I achieve, the more I fear to lose. I will get started on the business though, my commitment will be there. But I need time, not only to clear my time, but to find people, or maybe a special someone, to help anchor me. :D

Knowing that I excel has become a challenge as well. Imagine this- in so many areas of your life, people are telling you that you have the potential to achieve more, only if you commit yourself! Toastmasters- I could prepare and rehearse my speech. Soccer- Train up? Chess- Train, research. Leadership- Apply the principles. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. I am going crazy over it. So what if I can excel? So what if I have high potential? In the end, I am not superhuman. My choice, first and foremost, has been business, and probably always will be business! Developing businesses is what inspires me, motivates me, and drives me!

As anyone probably can see, I really am under quite a bit of pressure. Having high expectations of yourself increases other's expectations of you. But while I can perform excellently should I be devoted to just one thing, not only is that impossible right now, no one and nothing can make me do it. I realised the mistake I made, and will work on the other areas now, instead of foolishly just putting my time into one. Personal development is important, but so is my health and relationship with others. Leadership is another important factor. And speaking on that, I would like to once again tell Jason that he is the LEADER I RESPECT MOST in NP!! This guy is seriously a talented leader, and despite what I have (not) done, he has never laid blame. He seems to take it all upon himself, and seeks to improve himself before pointing fingers! Leadership being more than position etc., I not only see all this in Jason, I can feel it!

Being Josh has become such a tough job. As I told Max, I like to work with idealistic people. The reason? I am very idealistic myself. Haha. I believe in myself so much that I take up challenges that people say no to. I envision the best possible scenario, and work towards it. But now, at a time when I have so many distractions, I feel vulnerable, insecure, and sometimes in utter chaos. Hopping about from event to event, participating, unleashing my skills... Haiz. I need an anchor. It is so hard for me to psycho myself now, so used I am to thinking through the same stuff. Like doing the Johari window today, I could write the part I know about myself, the the part others know about me so fast, and had people I have barely met for a day nodding towards both. Clarity has been an essential component of my achievements so far, and probably will remain as one, but in periods like this, it seems to be backfiring. Oh well...

Chuen Kiat was telling me to reveal how I score for my studies and get CCA Points. Once, I probably wouldn't have shared this information, but since I did with some people, I think it won't matter if I tell some more. After all, this is knowledge that is easily available from books. Caution- What I do is simple, but it is never easy. :D Actually, it can be easy also, provided that you have the discipline.

CCA Points: When we were going for the top 5%, getting all the CCA Points you can had meaning. Now that 72 points, with 48 in Achievement, Representation, Leadership and Service for Year 1s and later, is all we need, not only is that easy to achieve should you do it systematically, but it is totally achievable within a single year.

Basic strategy: Aim for an average of 1 point a week. In 1 year, that is 52 points, qualifying you for silver. With some participation efforts, that is easily gold in 1 year. So you ask, how do I get 1 point a week?

Leadership position in CCA- 4 to 6 points. That gives you 4 to 6 weeks of leeway. If you do not have leadership position yet, you could consider starting your own CCA, or consider the other options.

Class/Module Rep- 2 to 4 points. Another 2 to 4 weeks of leeway. Getting such a post shouldn't be hard, considering that most of the time, all you gotta do is volunteer for it!

Division events- Each division should at least have 2 events a semester. Helping out at these events nets you about 2 points. Going for both = 4 points.

Competition- 4 to 10 points? Representing the school, bonus if you achieve etc.

These can easily lead to 1 point a week, and if you count closely, it is close to 1 whole semester! During the holidays, there are events every week, especially community service, so there is no reason not to get at least 2 points a week during holidays if you really tried!

As I mentioned, this is just a game. The objective of the game is set by you. Bronze/Silver/Gold in x (months/years)? Then develop a strategy to hit your goal! Fine-tune it by changing that which does not work, and have the discipline to stick to your strategy! So many people have mastered this game, some are getting like 2-3 points a week! It all depends on yourself! If you really need help with it though, feel free to contact me! I should have more than enough events for 1 cca point a week! Haha..

Studies: Once again, this is just another game. And as with all games, set your objectives. Imagine if you were aiming for a GPA of 4.0, compared to "oh, let's see what I can get. It depends lor". What are the feelings you have for each? What action will you take for each? What kind of results would you get from each? DO you think that it would be the same? For me, I don't think so! If I were aiming for 4.0 (which I am!), I would put in my best effort. Compared to just aiming anywhere, I could be tempted by thoughts such as- "maybe we could go rest now. the minimum requirement is just to pass. that shouldn't be too hard." It is all a game of the mind.

Dare to dream, believe in yourself, dare to go the distance, then DO IT!!

For GPA, many people have their own strategies. While I know of a few others, in order to respect people's beliefs, and avoid myself being too judgemental, I shall list only my own.

1. Declare my intentions! Let people know what you intend! This will have both you and others having high expectations!

2. Ask for advise (from tutors/lecturers/seniors)

3. Do my tutorials consistently. And before lectures (I don't always do this though, due to lack of time)

4. Ask questions and participate in class!

5. Prepare, visualise, imagine. Put yourself into a context where you have to apply what you have learnt, then in your mind's eye, DO IT!! (This helps a lot!)

6. Have friends who motivate you. And help you. (just gotta mention this- like celia! haha... some other noteworthy people- kenny, kelvin, jackson, roxanne, zuoshen)

7. Be confident. But do not expect perfection. Accept that there will be some stuff that you are not sure about, but do your best to perform for each question, assessment, exam, whatever!

That is what I do basically. It is once again the discipline to stick to your strategy! Understand the concepts, not memorise them!

I know this post is nightmarishly long. Lol. But I am who I am. Josh, the non-superhuman who wants to be superhuman, might be thought of as superhuman, could be getting the results of a superhuman, but feeling the effects of being a non-superhuman with non-superhuman feelings.

2006-10-13T21:47:00.000+08:00

I am... INTP/ENTP

INTP:

Seek to develop logical explanations for everything that interests them. Theoretical and abstract, interested more in ideas than in social interaction. Quiet, contained, flexible, adaptable. Have unusual ability to focus in depth to solve problems in their area of interest. Skeptical, sometimes critical, always analytical.

ENTP:

Quick, ingenious, stimulating, alert, and outspoken. Resourceful in solving new and challenging problems. Adept at generating conceptual possibilities and then analysing them strategically. Good at reading other people. Bored by routine, will seldom do the same thing the same way, apt to turn to one new interest after another.

First time I ever seen such a direct, simple, yet true potrayal of the MBTI profile. What does this have to do with anyone? Teach you to relate to me! Hahaha...

Many things have happened since I saved this as a draft. Right now, its 25/10/2006, 2:15:03

I feel changed. I think that some people have changed as well. I have realised my mistakes, and I know the hard part now. But if I had never taken it up, how would I know both the pain and pleasure? And don't worry if you don't understand, it is something that everyone knows but will probably not understand. With the exception of Jackson maybe. :D

Jason rawks (my chess captain!). Always love chatting with him. It is so refreshing to speak with someone who likes to use real life examples like me. Despite being a thinker, it is still energizing to come to my terms with my feelings as well! HOPES Camp wasn't too bad, I think the participants rule. Haha. Christopher!!

Found 2 more 3.8 scorers. Finally got motivation to work le. Its like a tier of 3.9 and 4.0 competing for top honours. And so many 3.8 ready to take our place should we slip. Haha.. okok... jkjk... I am just so happy to find 2 more people with potential in biz. And got both to work with me for my project. Means more slacking for me. (hey, i need my rest seriously!) And yah, it was refreshing to be known as someone who knows Celia, than for either my grades or my CCAs. It's almost- who doesn't? Lol....

Too many experiences, too many feelings. Disney has changed my life. I have changed my life. The people I met have changed my life. The people whom I chatted with have changed my life. My CCAs have changed my life. And through it all, so many have so many mistaken impressions of me. Or is it that I do not have a correct impression of myself? :D I have started the changes. And before the semester is over, my promise will be carried out. And here, I dedicate one more thing- SIFE will be my number one priority for CCAs.

If I was going to die soon, what would I wish for ultimately?

A secret that is not a secret....

2006-10-08T20:47:00.000+08:00

Change is no longer as scary as it once was. But thinking about it, what I have done is yet miniscule in nature. I need to challenge myself, forge ahead more, take up tasks with greater risks, to reap the rewards that yet lies ahead. As I have done for the past few months, pushing myself out of my comfort zone, I have entered a new comfort zone. To stay at this level would probably satisfy quite a few people, and I admit that I even thought of doing so. However, a sentence resonates about me whenever I think about that- "Hold yourself to the standards of an entrepreneur". Even though I am not yet an entrepreneur, to be one in the future, I have to cultivate the inner game. Some would say that my inner game has reached a high level, and that I am ready to just execute, but I don't think so. While I do know the theories, they are not ingrained in me yet. My executive intelligence is not up to the task as well. I need to train up my leadership skills, learn to build relationships, and most importantly, not let my self-confidence translate into arrogance. It is well enough to be secure in the knowledge of what lies within you, but I love the feeling of doing what others can't. What a downfall. :D Yet, a strength it can be as well. Depends on how I apply it of course...

Went to visit Ken, was told to find a girlfriend. Once again. Lol. When will they ever let go of that subject. Wendy said so too. But as usual, they got me to think once again. I suppose I really suck in that department? :D Then again, maybe not. I've never tried, how do I know? And I hear a voice reminding me to take up the challenges in life. How beautiful life is. And the truth is, the beauty lies within. Seriously. I have watched people overcome their fears and speak up, take control of their moods to get things done, and I'm seriously happy for them. Not that they have started on the path that I did, but that they are finding their own identities. I have no wish for anyone to model themselves on me, for that would only limit their potential. Should anyone do that, what can they offer me? We might agree on loads of things, but when things need to be done, I need people whom have diverse skillsets and mindsets to form that kind of synergy that is needed to get things done! I have seen people come forward to help others in a selfless fashion, putting their efforts on people whom would never know them, with nothing but the reward of those smiles. And those smiles are worth a lot indeed...

Another thing I have noted is that organisational development is in everyday life. Your family, your friends, yourself. The principles of finance in business translated into people's lives are essentially the kind of advice financial gurus are offering now. The way you relate to others will remain the same, the strategy that you use, although you might not think of it that way. At one point, you need to get your name "out in the market", while you have to "build a brand". So do you publicise yourself, or do you be humble? Where is the balance? Only if some people would consider things from my point of view... oh well.

I feel an energy lifting me beyond my physical limits. Although recently it has been "inactive", I feel it nonetheless. As I recover my energy with more rest, I know that one day, I will depend on that energy once more to deliver what seems impossible. If only I can work in peak performance forever... Maybe I can? :D Preparing for the challenges ahead... and if only I can meet someone who's worth it... Hahaha... But first things first!!

1. Business
2. Studies
3. CCAs

OMG... NO TIME!!! :D

2006-10-07T00:26:00.000+08:00

As time goes by, I change more and more. It's all to do with the inner game. Much as I can do, and to osme extent have done, in some aspects, my inner game has slipped. Also, constant fatigue is wearing me down. Shall post when I have the energy. To your success and mine...

Signing off
Josh

2006-09-29T05:27:00.000+08:00

Lalala. A post before I head off for camp. Once again.

The past few dyas have been very eventful, and I still am in school every single day. Kinda... WOW?

As I learn and pick up new insights, I begin to wonder about my own identity. I am a NP Scholar, member of so many CCAs, leader of some of them, class and module rep, entrepreneur-in-training, mentee to some, mentor to others, and more. How can one person assume so many identities? Wrong question. The question is, why is someone so stupid to take up so many things and kill himself slowly?

The thing is, I love what I do. Planning, thinking, participating, writing business proposals etc. Yet, there are so many more things I want to do, and so many more areas I want to touch upon. Curiosity kills the cat, and here, curiosity is killing me. No, I'm no cat. Was it my beliefs? My principles? My spirit? And as the days past by, more questions appeared, which led to even more questions, but few answers.

Lack of sleep makes me irritable. Few understand who exactly I am anyway. In fact, I myself don't understand me at times. As in, there seems to be 2 mes, the one holding on to the principles, the one taking action to achieve something. When they clash, good luck. :D

So many people have helped groom me, and more are forthcoming. If you think that a challenge from you people will cause me to back away in fear, you're dead wrong. I have learnt to love challenges, for that is what truly shapes me. Welcome to the land of opportunity and adversity, challenge me to unleash my potential, and let the games begin.

2006-09-18T08:49:00.000+08:00

So I spent the time thinking and reflecting yesterday. Many questions, little answers. Many conclusions. Many things are private, cant be bothered to type here. Thanks to Jason for chatting with me for so long about all those stuff. :D

It's time to go out and "do" again I guess. BA Ambassadors meeting later. Argh, so tired.

And one thing I absolutely have to post up: I dunno how I scored, so there's no point asking me. Anyone seen me study? Anyone seen me sucking up to the teacher? Lol. I was just who I am. Besides that, I think it is ample proof that ccas do not affect studies, unless u believe me capable of scoring 7ADs (OMG). I know that I was lucky this time round, I will study more next semester to catch up with all the work yea.

Reminded of so much I want to do, and how much I have to do. My decision will be simple I guess. No planning or development opportunities, I will probably say bye bye to those ccas next year. Not that I need the leadership positions, but simply because I have so little time for myself and learning now. For all that I do, if I lose sight of my vision, then all this would count for naught. Having made the decision to study OD, I should focus my activities mostly on that.

The question behind the question.... and I will forever be myself, wherever I may end up. All over the place I may be, but so what? If my results are any indication, there is a possibility ccas help you to score? Look at the SIFE people yea....

Jackson 3.7
Kenrick 3.83
Kelvin 3.8
Alvin 4.0 (duh! :P)
Kenny 3.5
Kenneth 3.7
Dong Yue 4.0

Joanne from YEN is another NP Scholar, David from TDP got 3.88, Chuan Kiat from Leo Club and Chess Club got 3.8. Go guys go!!

A question you should ask yourself when dealing with me
"Does that surprise you?" :P

2006-09-16T23:53:00.000+08:00

Long break. Haha. As in, from blogging. But not from life. Seriously, is there like submission of form to SDAR to apply for leave from CCAs?

Ok, most important thing first. Results:

NAME : LIM HAO CHUAN	STUDENT NO. : 10032211A
COURSE : BUSINESS STUDIES	NRIC/FIN : S8903600C
CURRENT SEMESTER CREDIT UNITS OBTAINED : 24.0000	DATE OF EXAM : AUG 2006
CURRENT SEMESTER GRADE POINT AVERAGE : 4.0000	SEMESTER OF STUDY : 01

MODULE	CREDIT UNIT	GRADE	ATTEMPT	REMARKS
BUSINESS COMPUTING APPLICATIONS	4.00	AD	1
BUSINESS MANAGEMENT	4.00	AD	1
INDIVIDUAL AND THE COMMUNITY	2.00	A	1
LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS	2.00	AD	1
MACROECONOMICS	4.00	A	1
PRINCIPLES OF ACCOUNTING	4.00	AD	1
WRITTEN BUSINESS COMMUNICATION	4.00	AD	1

Better than expected. But you know what's the stupid thing. Except for macroecons, I hardly worked for the others. :S

Thanks to my tutors, my friends, my seniors, and to everyone who helped me. Special mention- Celia. She shared her stuff on bca and bmgt, helped me do interview for WCOM at 3+ am, and was a really nice person. :D

Holidays = CCAs galore.

Highlight: NPSU Challengers Camp

Some people might say the camp was not very good. But for me, I think that it has reached its objectives, and that not all camps are meant to be extremely dynamic. It helped the challengers know each other better, and gave us an overview of what GLs will be involved in. Got "reunited" with Adam and Lavanya, got to know a few dynamic people, Wei Xuan was in my group, Mathiaus is another guy to look out for, and I think Syaz was the emcee for the Leo Club I&I? :D Also saw this girl Diane from BS, think she would make a good BA Ambassador. Which reminds me, had an interview on 14 Sep for BA Ambassadors. Haha. Was... interesting. :D

I am more than ready to face my challenges once again. Will I win this time? Certainly. But will it be in the way I expect it to? Unlikely. I realise that there is so much more I have to learn, and thus, my new focus will be on organisational development. And having thought about it for a long time, my conclusion comes to:

1. To create change in an organisation, you have to change yourself into the person who can change the organisation- the living embodiment of the values and beliefs, the passion, focus, optimism, and perseverance.

2. Structure. The organisational structure, the responsibilities of each role, and their KPIs must be clearly defined. Basically, the structure is an identity. Kinda hard to explain, until you think of an organisation as something that is alive and breathing, which it actually is in reality.

3. I am too tired to continue. Dun wanna spill all the lessons I have learnt also. Good night. :D

2006-09-04T22:55:00.000+08:00

Not that I havent "blogged", just that the entries are not here. As those entries are not meant to be viewed by most people, and I dun want to read the same stuff later on in life, I shall not post them here. :D

Was wondering what would happen if people suscribed to my philosophy. More competitors for me? =D But nah, not that much of a problem for me. I love challenges. Then again, seeing things the way I do may not be beneficial for others. Hahaha.... And coupled with my greatest weaknesses, they would probably have as fun a time as I do dealing with them.

The only way to get better at decision-making is to make more decisions. So I was taught. And now, I practically have to decide what event/meeting to go to every day. I realised why the above lesson is so prominent... because there is no really "right" decisions. Someone will always challenge it, and you yourself will have doubts as well. What you can do is to make the choice that calls out to your heart, and defend it with your life. Passion, focus, and perseverance....

The person I was is gone forever more. I can never go back to the life I lead. But the current situation is no good either. While some may say it highlights my greatest strengths, I feel that to those who really observed, my greatest weaknesses go obviously unaddressed as well. To people like Miss Chua, Keen Len, and Michelle, there is no doubt that it is darn evident. Their feedback reflects that as well. Do I change? I obviously need to. But to break free from my current comfort zone, to reprogram myself all over again... :S

Haiz. So tired. So hoping for someone to understand me and help me. But to all those who understand, most seem to be more interested in pushing me even more in fulfilling my potential. Oh well, I was the one who volunteered to be on this track... but still, lack of rest is depriving me of the ability to work in an optimum condition.

2006-08-21T19:26:00.000+08:00

I know. Long time since I updated again. Then again, I have so many events, whats the point of me trying to update them all? Lions Befrienders outing, ACTIVE events and stuff, I'm going for it all. So yah, update about events also not much use, you will just see one event after another. Haha....

Hmm, exams exams... what exactly are they trying to examine. They have been a joke till now. No comments on them. I'm more worried about how to survive the holidays... once my exams are over, I will have hell coming down on me. Ok, not literally... but... ;) CCAs galore. As in really stuff all the way. I rather have more exams. Lol.

E.g.: Thurs do toastmasters stuff
Fri Leo Club Meeting
Sat Villa Francis (Community Service/ Leo Club)
Sun Chess Training
Mon Training
Tues BA Ambassadors Training
Wed NAPFA Society/ Talent Development Camp (TDC)
Thurs TDC
Fri TDC
Sat I&I (Leo Club)
Sun Chess Training

Think anyone will also get the idea. :D It will be like these for about 4 weeks, and more than half of the remaining 3 is also taken up. Yea, I know. WTF???

It's a good thing there is no homework...

Lemme see... Wei Xuan asked me who I like. Good luck finding out. Think he still haven't found out who I voted for for the ZEST thing. Lol. Surprised I got it anyway. Speaking of that, wonder what my title will be like in a few months. Competent Communicator Leo Josh? Lets add a few more... VP? Lol. CCVP Leo Josh. Heck lah. And yah, damn the change in the CCA Points system... you realise I was on the verge of obtaining GOLD IN A SINGLE SEMESTER!!! WHY IS THERE ARLS!! YEA, I'M AGITATED!! Ok, I have plenty of points for that also, but nowhere near enough to qualify in a single sem.... maybe need 2 or 3. Haiz. At my current rate, I will have over 200 CCA Points before I hit 48 for ARLS. Haiz.

For those who think I want to go Uni... so wrong you are. I don't really want to go Uni right now, though I may in the end. It's 4 years I can use for far more.... you know. My dream is to start my own business empire. No one has ever done it by focusing on studies. Eh, why do you think I'm so active in my CCAs? It allows me to learn far more than I do by STUDYING...

By the way, I know I suck as a leader. :D Thus far anyway. My only defense is that I'm new to this also, learning how to manage all of it at one go, fearing to delegate too much or too little, and giving myself an opportunity to relax. I promise I will do better the coming semester, and even better over these years. Yes, I accept it as my fault. It's a bitter pill to swallow though. Haha... But what else can I do but face it. And yes, solo-ing the project gave me a cheap thrill. I never want to replicate it again though. You realise how draining it is.... -_-''

Let's see. Chelsea won. 3-0. Haha... Ok, kinda outta point here.

I just hope for your support~ everyone's support in fact. I'm not superhuman, my weaknesses are as glaring as whatever strengths you people think I have in abundance. Life is not so unfair you know. :D

Once upon a time...... the boy would have given up. Now, failures are nothing more than learning experiences. The pill is bitter still, but at least, it's honey-coated now. To your dreams and mine.... may they COME TRUE!

2006-08-05T00:56:00.000+08:00

I should make an effort to post more. Lol. My life flies past me, and sports camp and FOC seems to have been so long ago, though the semester is not even over.

Mon: NP Scholarship ceremony, and yah, I didn't do my POA homework. So what. I'm not god.

Tue: Joined TB29 for macroecons. They are a very vibrant bunch.

Wed: BMGT tutorial. Learnt nothing, except that Keatwin is memorising all of it. Heck care lah.

Thu: BCA Final Exam. What the heck. Is it a joke. Lol. Went for NYAA Adventure Rope Course thingy. Dinner with NYAA ppl after that.

Fri: No school! But went down for Project Nutz, SIFE, and Chess Club.

My views on the NP Scholarship: Having answered so many interview questions, its gotten me thinking about what the scholarship is to me. Well, I believe that it indicates that I'm on the right path, and that it has given me a huge boost in confidence. It will not pressurise me, because I will always be an achiever, no matter what. Give or take the scholarship, my life will hardly change for the forseeable future. So yup, that's my take.

My view on exams: Some people say that I'm slacking off recently. Yea, as if I dunno that. But even machines need power to run on, and oiling to keep it efficient. And anyway, I'm not a machine. At least, machines dun need to rest. But anyway, what's wrong with skipping homework just once.. and for not memorising stuff so early? I'm not that kind of student. Lol. Strategy for exams = study 1 day before, and focus on giving answers that other people wouldn't, in addition to what is correct. Makes more sense to me. Besides that, business is not about knowledge. Else why am I not rich with all that I know? Haha. C'mon, there have been so many people who concede that I may have studied even more than them on this subject, despite them being years older than me. It's a fact, not boasting.

And god knows what's the fascination with who I like. I just happened to pass by Yvonne's blog, saw a desolate post and tagged, and kaboom, confronted with it in class. What the heck? And about me and Celia wearing same coloured shirts... so? Haha. Celia IS a nice girl. But hey, do I look like I have the time for any relationship? Kenny asked about it long ago. Lol. Yep, I do feel lonely at times, I'm definitely not gay, and there are people whom I like. Let's leave it at that.

I'm hitting my target for CCA Points, YAY! My grades are not that bad, YAY! I'm hoping to get some business activities or SIFE projects up soon though. I will never forget to keep in touch with my vision despite all the activities I take to develop myself. For what is a man who loses sight of who he wants to be in becoming that person? A lost, desolated, and defeated one....

Certainly not me. :D

2006-07-30T00:44:00.000+08:00

Never seem to have time to update.

Just counted my CCA Points total... gosh, you won't believe it. :D

Was helping out with packing goodie bags for Project Nutz today. The track team is so fun. But sadly, I cant join them. 4 days of training = magnum force? Haha... Think Jackson is running on friday, so I will be rooting for him, though there's Dragon Boat and canoe...

Exams are just around the corner. In fact, Thursday gonna be BCA final test. I'm not worried though. I've worked so hard to understand what is going on, and I believe that to be my strength. Pure memorisation never seemed to work for me, so lets see how my new approach works. Consolidation of my grades...

WCOM:
Project 22/30 (sucks, i know)
Meetings 9/10
Participation ?/10
Individual Assignment ?/20
Final Test ?/30

MAEC
Common Test 1 16/20
Common Test 2 18.5/20
Participation ?/10
Final Test x/50

BCA
Common Test 1 17.5/20
Project A+ ?/40
Participation ?/10
Quiz ?/5
Final Test x/20
Workshop Assignments ?/5

POA
Common Test 1 18.2/20
Participation ?/10
E-Quiz and Graded Assignments ?/20
Final Test x/50

BMGT
Lecture Summary 9.5/10
Participation ?/10
Project ?/30
Final Test x/50

Haha... like so little of my scores are known right. No matter. Full steam ahead!

The biy fell asleep. Long deserved rest.

2006-07-17T07:01:00.000+08:00

Living on the edge thrills me. :D

I've just so got to blog about this... people asking me about relationships, and whether I like anyone, when I've barely enough time to get all my work done. How ironic. Updating this post when I have time. Cheers people!

2006-07-16T00:53:00.000+08:00

This is getting crazed. :D

As I expected, there isn't time to update much. So here are a few things to take note of...

Things to do:
BCA PBL Presentation
BMGT Project Draft
SIFE Presentation
Plan for Holidays
IAC Project
LMS Read & Share

What happened:
Gosh, it has been utter chaos.
Thursday: Visited doc to check up on eye, went BCA, BA Ambassadors meeting, SIFE meeting, then Toastmasters exco meeting. Yi Da from Rotaract called me... I forgot about the meeting! Argh! Good thing he briefed me on the tuition thing....

Friday: OMG!! What a day. Woke up late cos I was too tired. Went for LMS, and taught some maec. Went library and taught maec. Went to Atrium to look at the SIFE booth, saw only the banner but nobody. Lol. Went for IAC, I did a presentation with my group on AFA (Action for AIDS). It was so funny. Seriously, those guys should learn how to present... they are too nervous, too self-conscious. And yah... so pressured by IAC project, I don't really seem to have time to do it! Then back to the library, taught maec again. Went for YEN meeting, really glad to have opportunity for loads of stuff. Then it was the maec common test 2... what a bore. Took like half an hour? Then I went for the spin@ba detectives event. Reached home to a flurry of questions about maec, ccas, and the like. Didn't even eat.

Saturday: I woke up late again. Time lag. :S Went for COT. It was quite fun. Met a few people, especially Jean whom I worked with before at Joe's seminar, as well as some people from nearby clubs. Most important of all, I chatted with Mr Juniper Lee, and they seem to be getting the Toastmasters Club in NP for students up and running. The moment I reached home, I kinda fainted. Lol. Lack of food and sleep. :D

The boy didn't know where to go and what to do, so he fell back to dreamland and let his conviction pull him through... the consequences of which are uncertain at the moment. But we all certainly hope it pulls through, don't we?

2006-07-11T23:58:00.000+08:00

After 5 months, I have a new blog. Struggled to find a suitable blogskin. It seems that pretty much nothing shows who exactly I am right now. Amidst all I am doing, it is very easy to forget who I am. What exactly is my identity? I am no longer the slacker I was, yet I don't feel that I am working hard enough. I am even more reserved about who I am than before, focusing on doing. The dreamer remains, as do the beliefs. But dare I really bare myself once again?

This new name sticks well. Haha.. Josh. My thanks to the friends at Just Media who gave me this name. It seems so... appropriate. For some reason. A singular syllable, a singular entity. But not a singular purpose, or a singular passion. The trap sprung. And I do admit that I was wrong. If entrepreneurship was about business and money alone, there is really no point in living, even if I do succeed. Instead, the more I engage in, the more I want to indulge in. CCAs... I had planned for only 3. But now, I have something like 14 CCAs. I had planned to focus my time on studying... but never did I expect to spend it all on projects.

Time holds no meaning for me. Time has become decisions, emotions, passions. I used to be a thinker, analyse, analyse till paralysed. Now, I'm a doer. In every sense of the word. I sometimes do so much I fail to think. In that sense, I have certainly lost myself. Is that an improvement? Time will tell.

Why I decided to blog again. I am getting very forgetful. Despite the trials and challenges I face, I want to be able to remember. Recall. Relive. Relieve. I have so many identities, so many duties, so many things that I am doing, need to do, and want to do. I want to record these down, that I may find hope, that I may find my moments of joy, the bliss of satisfaction, the agony of failure, the pain of lacking..... that I may learn.

Much of my life used to focus on "why". Now, it is focused on "how". I am no leader. If I am, then I lead by example alone. I totally ackowledge my failure in this. A leader needs time for his people, a leader needs to have the vision for the team. My vision is there. But it is not conveyed to the team. My time is not there... Rarely do I have the time for the team. The only people I am able to lead are proactive, intelligent and ambitious individuals. That is the simple truth. I was blessed to have that team whilst working. Are my requirements too high? Debatable. But if someone doesn't remind and prompt me, I end up being caught up by other activities. Proactive people are constant reminders. I need intelligent people... else how do I delegate, and receive work of standards surpassing my own? I need them to be ambitious, that they may understand my vision and add on to it.

I got the NP Scholarship. 2 interviews. I am grateful to Ngee Ann for it. Not for the money. But for the motivation it gives me, that they believe I am on the right track. I shall do my utmost to show them that not only have they made the right choice, they have made an inspired choice. I would also like to thank my 14 CCAs: Leo Club, Rotaract Club, NYAA Chapter, NAPFA Society, Young Entrepreneurs Network, SIFE (Students In Free Entreprise), SPIN@BA Investment, SPIN@BA Detectives, French Club, Library Ambassadors, E-Gaming Club, Food Interest Network, Toastmasters, and Chess Club for giving me so many opportunities. Having 25 points at this point in time is absolutely wonderful. And more is to come. :D I am also grateful to my tutors, each and every single one of them, for having tolerated some of my more absurd questions (I really want to learn!) and for being so patient with me. I sincerely hope that my results thus far and in the future has not and will not let them down!

I have set myself new targets, new goals. I think it is time to stop joining CCAs, and change to starting one. It will test my management and organisational skills to the max, because of the limited time I have. For my academic target, I will retain the NP Scholarship next year. And of course, CCA Points target: 100 in 1 Year. Leadership position has been clinched, so all I need is the points. Then, I shall move on to write a new business proposal, and lodge it with Entrepreneurs-Connect through the EnterpriZe Scheme.

Learn. Achieve. Dream. Believe. Dare. Do.

It is time to put that nonsense of procrastination away. I will be starting on my programmes and books. Time shall not be an excuse, for as someone once said, "The fact that you have no time is exactly why you need those books!" Should I have the time, I think it is time to pop back at Just Media and ED to say hi.

Too many things to talk about. It has been months afterall. And I'm back to my old habit of taking incredible amounts of time writing. At this rate, I shall never get anything done.

Highlights: My eye opened up (having an eye infection)
WCOM Individual Assignment (20%, OMG!!)
MAEC Consultation (Frankly speaking, it didn't teach me much, except that I have to remember about the Great Depression when comparing Classical theory to Keynesian theory.

And I would like to slam MAEC here. With 5 schools of thought, all of them supposedly valid, and many indications that Keynesian doesn't hold (stagflation, which we learnt in topic 4, is an obvious dilemma for it), I wonder what the school is thinking of. Maybe I will get to use this knowledge for IEF next year. And I will get into it. There is absolutely no reason I can't. :D (Self-hypnosis rulez)

A boy was walking down the road one day. To his left was the ice-cream man. To his left was the sausage man. Right in front was a library. A boy ran past him to the ice-cream man. Another boy inched past him to the sausage man. Yet another boy with thick specs marched into the library, carrying a stack of books. The boy looked left, looked right, looked ahead.....