After such a long period of inactivity, I'm back to post. Haha. Many things have happened since I last updated. But too lazy to state all. Common test, CCA, Poly forum briefing... blah blah... Sibei sianz...

Very disappointed in myself. Lol. So so behind. Got the knowledge but not the motivation. Got the motivation but not the courage. Got the enthusiasm but not the responsibility. Bah. Like Mark Joyner puts it, I'm in an asylum surrounded by invisible mental and psychological walls. Its so stupid. Stuff I can do, but won't. Stuff I want to do, but dun dare. Stuff I initiate, but am unable to follow through. Amidst all of this, of what use are accolades lauded on me. Of course its better to get them than not, but sometimes, I wonder what the heck I am doing and how the heck it ended up like that.

Not to say I am not putting in any effort. Keep winding down all of a sudden nowadays. Haha. Sleep at airport BK. Just now was sleeping at clubhouse. And of course as usual sleep in lectures. However little stuff I take on now doesn't seem to make much of a difference. Ok lah, actually, I know what the damn problem is. I know I need to focus, but I am not ready to do it. Can I just throw my studies away? Can I ignore everything else for the sake of improving my chess? Can I do anything less than to commit 100% to my business should I choose to start 1? Am I not duty-bound to finish all the work yet left undone? Can I ignore any of my CCAs now? And can I not work on SIFE, when I believe so much in it? When I want to let others have the opportunity? Most importantly, can I resist the temptation to do it all at one go?

One of the greatest dilemmas I've faced is exactly this... To have learnt, yet be unable to apply because I am unwilling to apply... This makes for a very stupid Josh, but I'm stubborn. Oh well. The debate of how smart or how stupid I am is certainly interesting enough. I cant decide for myself even. here's the stupid question... What good is what I've learnt if I dun put it into action?.... VS What good is what I've learnt if I dun put it ALL into action.... but can I? The more I learn, the more stupid I become? Dumbass. Lol. And I cant stop myself from continuing to read and learn, can I? Is it smarter to just take 1 system and follow it all the way through.. or is it better to take what I believe to be the best out of several systems in an attempt to form an optimised 1?

Who can help answer my questions? Hahaha.... Blessed be those that hardly have to question themselves...

Remembering what life is.....
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I'm a changed person. Lol. It's gonna take some time, but I will bring myself out again. Thank you so much to WIMS speakers!!! Life's never gonna be the same again. Upon the wings of fate will I soar, blazing across the horizon to reach my destiny, and sharing the light with all that I know.

I've realised I was wrong. Then again, I wasn't ready then. I am now. Thank you, for another chance. Thank you, for giving me my life again, by having me seize control once more. Thank you, my friends, for without your help, I wouldnt have realised my challenges. Thank you life, that opportunities whiz into my life once more. Thank you, to myself, that I allowed myself to reach for my dreams.

Till death do us part, my dream. I WILL DO IT!!

Remembering what life is.....
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Enough bitching. Lets get to work. I never did expect the Pre-U Seminar to have such a huge impact on me.... Nvm, lets start from the beginning. Sun night never slp cos brushing up on FMGT slides that werent used due to some technical problem with Faith's com... Alamak. Then went for Pre-Uni Seminar. That was fast, wasn't it? :D

Monday- Reached school, then waited some time for bus, b4 w reached NTU. Got to know my room mate favian. He was the friend of my ex-classmate Yvonne from ex-TB30, such a nice coincidence. He's very nice. Mainly had ice-breaking, team bonding stuff, before we went Prima. Prima was a fun trip, as we got to explore the operations of a business 1st hand, as well as EAT. I dunno how much I ate on Mon. Haha.

Tuesday- Formal attire. Ooh. Hot. 6 meals in a day. Opening ceremony, I fell asleep, was too tired. Parallel presentation was cool. ACJC was really good- I particularly like the slide designs. My grp mate jazlyn was pretty cool too. Eh, talked with Rachel about Disney during panel discussion. I did keep an eye on the slides though. It was a very animated discussion. Lol. Hope she is able to achieve her dreams! We started work on the project....

Wednesday- Mainly project day... Jazlyn claimed Glen and I were not anxious, though compared with Rahul, we are probably light years behind. :D I was kinda worried about the proj throughout. Berlinda usually keeps quiet, but towards the submission timeline, she suddenly came to life. Very interesting thing to observe. Oh yea, and must thank her for her Sudoku game. Kept me awake. Lol.

Thursday- Istana trip. Won't comment much. The night was much better. Celebrated Sree's birthday and all, while sharing our thoughts and first impressions. Cool stuff.

Friday- I gonna miss them all. Haha. I was 1 of the 1st few to leave, so dunno what happened after that. Headed back to school. Blah blah...

Today- WIMS. Rocks. Cant wait for next 3 days.


So what conclusions have I reached? No.1 I need to find myself. Beyond the person Ken molded me into. I seriously dun have the stomach for anymore of this competitiveness, and having to endure all kinds of rubbish. As much as Ken has helped shaped me, this has been a serious drawback. Gonna redo a life plan later. Starting all over from scratch. Next, the JC people are far better than I thought. Yes, we poly students do hold an edge in some areas. But think about it. In their 1st year in Uni, they will already have made back for the difference in knowledge and skills. With their presentation skills, additional knowledge, background etc, once again, we will be placed at a disadvantage. Even more so for us guys who have to go NS. At least the JC people will have 1 year of being more in the game than us. So GG.

Maybe what I saw was the cream of the crop. But it still is enough. Compare no. of JCs to Polys, and compare the intake number. 1 class just needs erm... 3 of these elite, and we will have a hard time. We all need to work very very hard...

Finally, thank you so much to SG18. We ROCK. :D Hope to see you all soon!!! I'll never forget this event, so much I have gained from it....

Remembering what life is.....
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Been a hectic period. Dun even wanna think much about it. Made some mistakes. Some people made some mistakes too. I got pretty pissed off. Pissed some people off too. You know, life is just so stupid when you have to care... If I didn't care, I would probably be in a much better state on paper now... Haiz... Freedom... Seductive, delectable, yet fleeting.... May the winds lift us all up as our wings are pelted by the forces of the tornados...

What is it like to deliver a masterpiece? A masterpiece requires planning. Then it requires effort. Then it requires presentation. When we fail, do not blame. Do not wish that things were otherwise. Do what we can for the things that we can yet influence, while ignoring those that we cant. No point worrying for anything. Just do it. That's all I have to say.

When one doesnt speak up, we have no idea what u're thinking. For all my supposed brilliance, I'm an idiot when it comes to reading emotions. I can guess thoughts from a logical point of view yes, but when those are being affected by the way u feel, then what am I supposed to do? Please everyone... Just speak up. Make it short, make it snappy, and have everyone happy. The sooner the better.

I will assume all responsibility. Just dump it on me. Just make sure you don't regret it though, when the time comes from reflection. I wun retaliate. Cant be bothered. But one day, when things are looked at in a clearer perspective, you may yet realise that regret is truly the greatest pain of all...

Finally, I am so sorry. I feel kinda lost now. All the rubbish I cover myself in just makes it stink more I guess. I gotta do better. I will improve. Just give me time...

Remembering what life is.....
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Many things happen. Good and bad. Just feel like giving a tribute to some people....

My dear captain Jason!! Know I've disappointed him quite a few times, but he's always kept faith with me. Thank you so much!! He gives me a reason to stay in Chess Club, as well as reminds me to continue working for my dreams, for bit by bit, we will reach there one day. May your dreams come true as well as together, we soar towards the pinnacles of excellence!! He reminds me of all the things that I need to do... :D

Jackson!! Know I've been harsh on you sometimes, but I swear its for your own good! Always around to entertain me, never shrugging away from a challenge, and also the only person till now to have chiong all the way with me. Thanks man!! Lets have another fruitful 2 years together, shall we? Actually, we dun really know that much about each other too... Lol.. But we always wind up together despite that. Its a cool bond..... K Jack, ur hot :D

Kelvin!! From sitting beside me in lecture, to being incredible support, to listening to all my nonsense, and for sticking with me throughout, thanks a lot too!! Know I bitch alot sometimes, just gotta release stress. Haha. Remember that working hard does not equal working smart, and that the latter can often make up for the former... as long as the strategy is correct. Dun worry too much, enjoy the thrill of the adventure, as the melodies of business revolves around our ears...

Kenny!! From all the jokes, to the knowledge you share, the software, and some of the smiliarities we have, I think its been really interesting. We aren't that similar, yet aren't that same too. Hmm. Regarding passion... me feels that passion is yet another double-edged blade, as no matter how bright it burns, there comes a day when the heat gets to you too. Fire pumping in your veins may only incinerate you when you are unable to contain it. Maybe we should all be glad with what we have...

Lizhen... For being such an intriguing person. The same person whom talks to me about rumours flying about can show concern the next day, but turn sour later in the day. I just find tt interesting. Not to mention, her zealous attitude regarding schoolwork, her efficiency and ability, as well as her multitude of friends would probably have me signing up for her fan club if she had one. :D May the winds of fate circle around, that we may all find that which we seek... good luck to you!! (Ok, I admit it, she is incredible competition :D Dang, I love challenges!!)

Celia... For being nice, and having given me links to design stuff, that I may actually learn to do something with it all. For the help with projects, for helping with WCOM interview, and for your vote, thanks a lot. :D Classmate of the year. Lol. Realy glad to know her!! Oh, and the chocolate. Haha. May the smile remain on your face forever!!

Faith... For being a direct, entertaining, and honest friend. Though I wonder what wrong I did you in the 1st year :P, I suppose my rep is just shit. Glad to have a new classmate whom actually bothers to know me. And how is someone whom has no idea how to take care of herself ask me to do so. Hahaha.... Cherish your boyfriend, I think that he really is v.good for and to you!!!

Of course, there are other people who deserve to be on this board. But I tired le. Make it so that I cant bear to leave you out. :D

Have fun folks... And help me get more rest. Hahaha...

Kaez man... today itself went like this. Massive oversleeping. I woke at 2+? 10h of sleep. amazing. Erm, went school. The TOP Ceremony was boring, they even got my name wrong. Wtf. Then I went for A.Maths. Oh yah, I missed CMA, I emailed the tutor though. I got a generic reply, din know so many people missed class... Eh, A.Maths was freaking easy... functions??? Oh yah, CK lost his mum... sad for him too... Lemme see. Err, Lizhen was dressed very nicely, I love dark colours. Lol. Kwee Gek very pretty also. If I had stayed on, my parents would probably have asked me... Lol.. Like last sem. Good thing I had A.Maths. After I reached home, my parents said someone complained that I've been underperforming, and they proceeded to try to drill into me the concept of constant hard work. So sorry, I take that as a pile of bullshit. C'mon lah, they never been distracted meh?

I'm pissed off with myself. Where did my resolve fly to. I need to start winning again....

Remembering what life is.....
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And should it take eternity to look for the answer, for thus I shall gladly spend my life...

Friday... It was such a nice day to sleep. I told myself no breakfast to continue sleeping. I reached school at 9.05am. The room was locked. The teacher came at 9.25am. I could have had breakfast. Stupid. Then when the lecturer said she told all tutors to go through the 06 tutorial, he went through the 07. I dunno what's up with that. Blaw, I slept. Jaded. Haha. 1h was enough to recharge. Then accompanied Faith to buy flowers. Obviously I didnt buy. Then canteen 4 for lunch. ECD, I wasn't really paying too much attention, the concepts are frigging simple. Drink milo, eat choc, thats life. Lol. And Faith thought I was upset with her? Dunno what's up with that too. Went leo clubhouse, dumped my stuff, then went with jer, daryl, and yuan jin to see Mr Alan at SDAR. As usual he poke fun at me. Haha. But my calculations were correct!! I proved it to Miss Leong. Then BA CARES. = More work. Then went NYAA the camp committee selection thingy. Then went for dinner with kel, jackson, daryl. At hooked, where tricia used to work. The fish and chips quite nice. I BEAT JACKSON!! Yay....

Sat woke up at 5+? Had to reach school at 7, no choice. Reading powerpoint all the way. Lol. Erm, Pre-U sem gonna be damn fun. But why Prima, not muvee Technologies... Hahaha... Oh well, working with the elites gonna be interesting.... Ever seen a group in which presentation slots for speakers were taken up within seconds? Though I would have things to comment on their style of project work. Still, its unfair to judge when effectiveness of either style hasn't been shown. Went back to school for leo wave. I ended up eating. Lol. Nvm lah, I helped with logistics. A bit. I slept at last. Haha. 6 hours. Much better. Oh yea, where I gonna find 2 white shirts, when I have like 0? Then again, it is tea with the president at the istana, must go buy lor...

Then Lizhen told me about her friend who suicided. Reminded me of my old friend who did the same foolish thing. Yet, I always have this feeling that when they have already passed on, we shouldnt judge at all, but remember them for the good times they brought to our lives. Once again though, it made me recall what life really is about... possibilities... Though you may quarrel, as long as you're alive, you have to chance to make it up. So many other examples, but I'm too tired to type that much now. The snuffing of a life will cause hurt to everyone who knows that person... For though we may see it on TV, how many people can truly hate someone after they've moved on... I think that some will feel regret, others will wish that they saw the person for who they truly were, instead of being bias... Then again, no matter how great the lesson, the cost is huge indeed...

I'm very sian. Haha. Once thought that if I learnt to think totally strategically, then problems would be solved much faster. That's true to some extent. But I seem to have lost the ability to express and connect... Stupid. EQ = 0. Ok lah, the last time I took it, I was like 10 points below average. But still, I wish that I wasn't that stupid afterall...

Remembering what life is.....
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So stressed I'm freaking out. Not good. At all. Just now I saw Mrs Ng, she said I looked pale. Some people say my face green-white. Wtf. Err, totally not good. Got the feeling I'm falling sick too. I&E, i was just joking all the way. Think we pissed think Kaishin off. So sorry. I was taking the whole lesson as stress reliever. But wtf lah. How am I supposed to sleep more? Even if I sleeep more, then I still got a lot of work to do, then what's the difference? Rather uphold my 100% commitment promise. Even if its killing me.

Then Faith asked me go for her matchmaking session thing. And Mr Leslie was saying that we would obviously like to get to know more girls. I dunno, for me, I hardly have time to think about it. Pissed off at myself in a way too. Lol. But I can't help it. Not being who I am will hurt so much more. Ok, I really am getting crazy. I need a break. :S:S:S:S:S

Update

Hmm. Went for chess club training just now. Feel a bit better. But not much. I still have loads to do. Then still need to train. And my mind doesn't seem to be working. It sucks. I require so much rest now, it seems to make no difference how long I sleep le. DAMN. On the great side though, I'm all that much closer to reformatting and optimising my com. Thank goodness. What is it like to try to be a hero? What is it like to be a hero? What is it to be a hero? Is there a need to be a hero? Lol. Just some stupid things that popped into my brains. Hmm. Watched Bleach. There was this sentence that sprung at me - "What is your resolve?" And indeed, what is my resolve? In some things, I let go so easily, yet in others, more than my hand holds it tight, though it be costing me. Resolve alone is pointless. What is it that we hold a resolve for? Yet in the end, is there not a greater purpose that we reach for?

I once read that men (meaning males) do all they do to attract the partner they want. Meaning that it is the highest purpose behind many men. On some level, it seems kinda true. Money, fame, looks, whatever. Yet, there be many others who prove it wrong too. But when our testosterone level gets high, I suppose there be nothing to reject about that theory. What in truth is our drive then? How stupid is it that a person whom believes in higher ideals fall prey to such ludicrous temptations. In the end, who are we, but pawns? A slave to our passions even, when will the chains of fate binding us ever be unlocked? Pray tell me, that I may at last soar to the skies...


Remembering what life is.....
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Amazing display of how distracted I can be. Lol. But I was freaking tired today. No sleep kills. When its 2 days in a row. And damn, looks like its on course to be 3. Unless I skip doing my work. DAMN!!! I know so many of them are skipping doing tutorials cos they cant finish due to their CCA commitments, but I gotta be different. Haiz. I will announce it, same as I would if anyone ask me. Target this semester- reclaim my position. Lol. Ok, lets get on with it.

Went sch at 9, we did pretty much nothing. I was too tired to talk much. FMGT was a breeze. We went for lunch. Faith talked a lot despite ulcer. Well, hearing someone talk about uber accidents in a uber happy way was interesting. Kenny and Kel joined us for lunch. Then we went lecture. I was sleeping peacefully. After the break I was feeling much better. Spoke a bit too loud though. XD

Went leo clubhouse. Faith went also, but din really do much. :P I was struggling to focus. Tricia and Kel came. Then Jer, Delphine, Daryl, another Kel, Yuan Jin also came. Oh yea, Sok Ling was there b4 us. Erm, then the people for the meeting came. Saw a girl, dunno who she is and I asked. So that's lynn. Think I saw her b4. She's kinda cute. :P. So there I was trying to multi-task madly. And dang, I talk too much. Went Bukit Timah Plaza for dinner. It was nothing special, expensive for the proportion and quality in fact. Well, at least can say we tried it out.
Oh, and I'm so glad people like Chloe are still turning up. There is hope yet. :D

Wonder what the conclusion for AGM will be like. Time for the whole business to end. I want it asap. Less things to worry about, less complains to deal with = very good. Ok, better get to my work.

Remembering what life is.....
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I once read about this man who works super hard for 3 weeks. And slack the remaining 1 week off. I thought he was crazy. Now I respect him a lot for his stamina. My god, how much time did he use to build that up? 3 weeks!! I can barely do 3 days. I decided to take a break. Went battle.net. Found Derg, an online friend, and we played Multiple TD Challenge together. Me and him = thrashing. Haha. Then I fell asleep after chatting with some people. Well, its to be expected I suppose. Woke up, but still feeling very tired. Damn it, the work is sucha drag now. I cant seem to finish much.

If only I wasn't that stupid. Lol. Heck lah. Must focus. But to hit all targets right now seems improbable. I'm running either outta time or energy all the time. Comparing energy level, I dun even seem to have recovered since last August. That's a freaking close to 1 year ago. I need my rest... Lol... Support the OSUS movement.

I'm getting back to my work. :S

Remembering what life is.....
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Lmao at myself... For many reasons. All it takes is a trip to Popular, and I realise that I'm caught in the dang cycle again. Haha. I really need to start reading... ALL OVER AGAIN. Guess a few months weren't enough for the principles to sink in, so quickly they have been lost. Useless me. Lol. And keep getting distracted.

Hey man, life's awesome as a whole. Just that when I'm tired, then I pour the stress out in writing. Lol. Actually got many good things also. But hardly have time to elaborate. Update more in future! :D

Remembering what life is.....
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Felt kinda useless today. Haha. Distracted. When I promised myself I wouldnt be. Damn it. Freaking useless. Then kept worrying. Din really focus on solutions. Oh well. I'm just frustrated. So many things to do. So many people to think of. Like tt NPEC thing. Even if they tell me they can do it, I must think of their welfare also. Jackson really looks tired. Kel also. Daryl needs to work on getting his grades up. Kenny missed lectures. Plus where are the benefits? Do we slave for ideals alone, that glory be achieved for the sake of it? How can I lead, when my heart is not yet decided.

The weight is freaking huge u know. If they did it, so can I. But how heavy the burden, how delectable freedom is. Yet, when will we all truly be free?

Remembering what life is.....
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Been joking about. Lol. Tenacious hold on all that I do. Hope its gonna get better. So many dreams, a multitude of ideas, but a lack of time, drained of energy. Gonna go watch movie soon. Spiderman 3. Still love the quote "With great power comes great responsibility". Why? Simple enough to answer question...

I've always believed that all of us were endowed with abilities beyond our imagination. How much of it we choose to and are able to tap usually is the deciding factor. Like it or not, I think that I've been able to tap more of it than most people I know... thus I gotta be responsible for all the advantages it has given me. So people can ask me why I am so motivated. I would prefer to ask- What use is your ability if you don't stretch yourself with it at all? Why do yourself and everyone around a dis-service by sealing away your potential... just because you are afraid?

I've been observing it for some time now. I've been wondering what makes the crucial difference. The thing is, so many of us fear being seen as different from others, that they try to act as what an average and normal person would do. Unfortunately, this leads to them limiting their potential to that which is rated "normal" and thus leads to "average" results. Then when they see that something is reachable and achievable, they have to tell themselves "No!" leading to the cap on their potential being sealed all the more tightly, and they can only wonder how others do it. Deep within you, isn't there a spark wishing that you can excel just as well as the other person? Worst thing is, you know you can. You just fear to face yourself. Excuses come up I suppose. I've done it myself before. Like about my cousin, or about Woon Peng (tt gay :P) even. But when I finally decided to break free of my limitations, I had to face the truth that I was the one who had been limiting myself. And when you see that, when you acknowledge that, and you see the wasted years, the huge opportunity cost, let me ask you, how can you not reach out for your dreams?

Of course, even after doing that, what you do will hardly be perfect. To make it, you have to fall so many many times. Make the mistakes first, that when the right time comes, you are tempered by experience. Some will call you a fool initially, others will ask you for advice on how to get started on this track. In these years where we grow up, I suppose that is perfectly normal. Yet as we grow older, other things start to happen I suppose. And that is where I am now. A stage where I have to make the decision once more. Am I myself, am I to be the ideals that others might think me to be, or will I fail my ideals at this point in time? But as I thought about it, the decision was made long ago. Not by me. Not the conscious me anyway. That I was given this level of ability has to mean something. I obviously have a life to live for. No time for doubts. The only way is.. forward.... And to take as many people as I can down the same path.

It obviously doesnt benefit me as Daryl asked. But the point is, what else am I supposed to do? See all that potential wasted? Or lend a hand in breaking apart those chains? The choice is simple to me... the question never to be asked....

Remembering what life is.....
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Friday... missed out on my sleep. Lol. Went to school half-groggy. Let's see.. ECD tutorial. Interesting. Lol. Then went blaw lecture. Saw ben and celia on the way there... blaw i wasnt paying too much attention. Lol. Lunch with whole crowd of people at canteen 4. Made fun of a lotta people. Hahaha... Then ecd lecture. Lecturer borrowed my laptop to play movie. Knew they gonna moan when I had to stop it, really freaking troublesome about that... Lol.. Went clubhouse after that and fell asleep... Oh yea, submitted my dip plus form before that.

Then had to get Yee Teng's no. cos she hadn't reply me about the first aid course thing. Haha. Got it from Wei Xuan. Then I ended up reading for hours. Lol. Morning my sis woke up and watch bleach, since I felt like taking a break, I watched along. She's still only at soul society arc. Lol. Then went school for interview. Wanted to go harbourfront meet Kel Jackson they all for worldview, but fell asleep when I reached home. GG. Was doing content for Boai webbie when i conked out. Haha. I'm lmao. Stupid life for now.

Many things I've been thinking about, but right now, its a pain to have to go through all of it. Still sleepy. Post again some time...

Remembering what life is.....
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This was not such a good day. I overslept. OMG. 9th day of school. Slept despite 4 alarm clocks and my mum trying to wake me. Good thing it was I&E. I saw no class participation in the grading scheme. Lol. Anyway, went school later, met Jer. Talked about many things. Now I have a new job. Lol. Though there were others who have raised their concerns too... I will do my best k. Just that... its becoming rather painful in a way. Is it worth it? Even for friends, maybe there are limits too... I'm like in overdrive mode too much. Lol. You know, that state of alertness that comes after u become totally drained... B4 u conk out all of a sudden. Lol.

Went to Orchard for the meeting. Walked about with Jer. Din find much to eat, so we headed to Mac to meet them. Went for dinner at LJS (Jer bought Subway) b4 we met Ms Leong, Yvonne, Ursula and co. at Mac for the meeting. After meeting was roughly officially over, I suddenly heard my name mentioned. Dunno what for. Then Ms Leong asked me to go over. Thought they had some questions for me or something. Turned out to be on database. Lol. Brings back memory of JM. But its been VERY LONG.. slightly more than a year since I've touched it. Then she said she heard I talked a lot yesterday. Isn't that like expected. Haha. I initiated the project, and no matter what happens, I have to take care of the people in it yea. Came home and had a bit more chance to relax than usual. Had many chat windows open. Lol. But was still doing work at same time of course. But today at least know I can finish part of it like around 2. So is still ok. Tutorial at 9 though. Not good.

Freaking sianz with some aspects of life. I know I am responsible for creating my own results, but then, when will someone come help me. Haha. Freaking tired. And lonely at times. Sometimes, they just don't understand. Maybe, I haven't given them a chance to. I just wonder... who the heck am I really. Getting so tired. Oh well... work for your dreams people. As long as you want it so badly you will put in your effort for it, people who can help you will come into your life. Dream, Believe, Dare, Do. Carpe Diem! And I thank the gods for bringing those people into my life. If only I can repay them all...

Update:

Just felt like updating... I just wanna say... Please be fair to others. I know I've made that mistake myself in the past before, but hopefully, I've grown up and is dealing better with it... Leaving others to clean ur mess is NEVER GOOD. Especially when they've done so much, then you waste their efforts... Haiz, now I know how they felt like. I'm so sorry to all the folks I've let down. Really sorry. I promise I will surpass myself this year. I will be 100% committed to whatever I do, no excuses. Just give me the time to adapt, and I will do it this time.

Haiz. I thought I could do it you know. Fresh in poly, after some experience working, confident in my ability to manage time, blah blah. The problems come in the word commitment. I used to think it was about potential. Now I know it isn't. It's about passion. And when ur passionate about something, its so different. Others cant understand it, unless they share the same passion u do. I was a freaking idiot. 17... Be thankful if you can manage 2 or 3. Haha. I'm already dying. And I'm dying to get back to the start... where I would never have volunteered to plan or be in committee. Getting the experience of just doing manual labour isn't such a bad thing, and I would never have created so many problems for others. And myself. How can someone who made such a mess be smart... I really was a freaking idiot. My only defense right now is... passion? I'm not joking when I say that I'm passionate for many many things... You cant really tell which is more acute, can you? Of course, that excuse doesn't cut it at all. Its not like others aren't passionate about it. And when you create a dent in their plans, its not nice at all..

Only when I am in their shoes do I really understand. Damn myself for all the mistakes I made. If only I have the chance to make it up, I swear I will. But right now, all I can do to make up for it is to say good bye and stop creating more problems. And here, I have to say good bye to the old me too. Good bye, you dreaming idiot. :D

Remembering what life is.....
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Seems like I'm blogging like close to everyday. Well, there's more reason to blog now I suppose. Each day is so filled with something new, and I got a lot to think about... cant really use my memory when I'm dead tired. Started the day with lecture. Tried very hard not to sleep. Managed it and took down notes. Went for HRM tutorial. We have a nice tutor who insists that we call him Richard, and he basically taught us how to answer questions and then we decided on the project question. Wanted to do foreign talent a lot (high risk high return :P) but considering what the seniors say about blaw project, it makes sense not to take something too heavy. When I'm so tired. Haha. Never thought there would be an issue other than confidence. Oh well... Commitment is such a hard thing.

Then like talk a lot with Yee Teng a.k.a Faith. Haha. I think she quite smart, dunno why always criticise herself. Many people need lessons in self-confidence I guess. Haha. HRM lecture I was demo-ing Ele TD VERY HARD to Kenny. Like SUPER EASY right. Lol. I should stop slacking. Haha. Then went Leo Clubhouse. Talked a lot. Attended Dip Plus briefing. Gonna sign up. Then Leo Club meeting. I think that they really need to speak up. I got their replies saying that they will support CK, but how is not speaking up support. Haha. Support has to be shown. Credit to CK for holding his own. And hope I din piss anyone off. My major concern was voiced out, and I think it is valid. And folks, fight for your ideals. I dun care if u think I am idealistic. So what if the world isn't fair. What we can do is to make it as fair as we can. If no one ever does that, then all we are doing is complaining. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have bothered to turn up. What is so fair about us doing so much work. Or what is so fair about blah blah blah. We didnt complain because we know its not all fair. But at the same time, FIGHT FOR IT!!

And yah, I freaking thought I could rest. Guess it was just a dream. Die...

Remembering what life is.....
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Just the second day of the second week. Bloody hell. Dying already. Reaching home at 11+ pm everyday. What the heck right. Then have to read through so many emails, do tutorials, finish powerpoints, translate, whatever, freaking dying!!! When I made that freaking commitment to myself, I didn't expect it would be this tough. And to have this last till 1st July... no way. Haha. Confirm burn out before then. Siao ah... here no sleep there no sleep. In 1 week sleeping in lecture cos too tired. Lol.

And still got so much work left undone. What is the use of prioritising, when you hardly make it through half the list. BAH!! So much to complain about. I'm going insane. And with a stupid cough. Ok, back to my WORK now. GG to my life...

Remembering what life is.....
+ + +


Been a blast. Hardly felt as alive before compared to the past few days. But then, I seem to wind up tired very very fast. Damn the cough. What with Leo Club and Chess, what with friends and studies... what with my own thoughts and feelings... Never thought I would have so much to do within the 1st week of school re-opening. Gods. 1 more month to the dateline I set for myself. Shouldn't be a problem. I think. Nonetheless... I hope that I recover quickly. Case in point.. stop infecting people... and get all my energy back. Half my life is coughed away. Lol.

What is a committee position? To me, it is not defined by the job scope but the duties you take up in ensuring the growth of the organisation. And to that effect, each role is not a separate entity, but one meant to synergise with the rest of the team. When I heard what Qi Rong said to Miss Leong, it was more or less expected... but to hear him say it so nonchalantly certainly surprised me. What is one more sentence on a portfolio, when one doesn't gain much out of it? And in my opinion, Chuen Kiat should be the president... he did what Jackson and I will probably never be able to do... Having nothing but Leo Club... And I believe that too many cooks spoil the broth. :D Since Jackson and I decided to opt out, I feel that the current selection is probably the best that can be achieved given the circumstances. And I'm glad that Jackson promised to improve his attitude. Thanks brother. It's never nice to leave a mess for others to clean up, especially when its your friends who have to do the cleaning up...

Studies I not gonna talk about. And whoever asked for my results... just ask. And I will tell. Though I dunno why you want to know... GPA 3.7. Bstats B+, Miec B, Ocom AD, Ob AD, Cip AD, CATS A. Happy?

And as I was thinking... to be or not to be... is that really the real question? Or is it what to be and what not to be? For our actions are shaped by our ideals... and things are not as simple as they may seem to be, divided evenly into black and white. When one takes into account more than 1 perspective, everything is a murky gray. The question is, what is the right course of action? And I dunno. I can only suggest. What I suggest has turned out to be effective quite a few times, but that does not mean that I will be right every single time. At the same time, when I make my decision, please respect the fact that I already thought through it with due consideration... If you gotta ask, then ask later. Not when there is a reason for me having done what I did, which could cancel my intention... And thats referring to more than one thing too.

Far too often these days, I have to put my mind to work constantly. Whatever spirits guide my path, please grant me reprieve once in awhile yea... I'm no robot or answer key. I just do my best. But even that is not enough. And even that does not satisfy many. And in plain honesty, I do see their point. But at the same time, if I were to do otherwise, would I be who I am, and would you have perceived me the same way you do now? Lets not deal with rhetorics... but instead deal with the rigours of life...

Remembering what life is.....
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I know its been freaking long since I posted, but its not as though I didn't try. I've deleted like 5 posts before this. But this one's gonna go up. Somehow. Lol. Been using it like a diary for dumping all the unhappy stuff, so no wonder yeah. Cos I know dang well its not those stuff that I want to remember. So let me see... I shall not really elaborate too much on Serve China. Long story short, the trip has really changed me. How exactly, I'm not sure. But I bet I'm not the only person who feels that way. And I'm sure that others have noticed the change too. Basically, on the trip, I resolved not to use my poor brain too much, so I kinda tried to evade any direct responsibility, though I cant really help thinking. Haha. I love the kids so much. Kang Ning for one.. though Hao Hao and Yuan Yuan are both so cute too... It was a relief to just let go of my responsibilities I suppose. I enjoyed my time with the kids... simplicity has its own joy... just simply enter their world, and be submerged by the waters of their imagination and ideals... For a time, I didn't need to worry about my goals, my friends, my life or anything. Just make sure that the kids have fun. Brought my harmonica and had fun playing it for quite a bit of time. So glad I did so. My skill has undoubtedly deteriorated, but as long as the children love it, its fine with me I guess. Too bad my harmonica was kinda soft compared to guitar... If someone else had a harmonica (and know how to play), it would have rocked!!

Let me see.. Kaishin was my mortal for the Angels & Mortal game. So I gave her tidbits every now and then. Lol. Hope she enjoyed it. Oh yea, also fell darn sick, though I hardly gave a care about that. I didn't go all the way there for community service in order to let any illness stop me. Though it did make me quite irritated... Throat was damn dry, and I had to drink loads of water after playing the harmonica... Thanks to Lizhen for all the water and tissue paper... Lol...

I'm gonna skip the part on shopping in Shanghai. And oh, don't bother asking me for pictures please. Didn't bother to bring camera along even. I'm just plain lazy. Lol. The old folk's home... How I wish I could communicate with the old folks. At the garden, I took it upon myself to sweep and clean the place up. Proud of myself for doing not too shoddy a job for that. Shouted at Jie Ming.. lmao, think my task-orientedness just happened to flare when I was irritated by all the people trodding dead leaves back onto the path, and Ding Zhi and Alvin making fun of (forget it) now and then. Got thank you cards for Mrs Koh, Mr Lim, Alvin, Tian Hao, Lizhen, and Kaishin. Would have gotten for more people, but the card was rather expensive.. and I had a hard time writing under the nose of Alvin (my room mate and buddy!). That about concluded the trip I guess.. I'm not one for leaving too long a memory, all I wish is that the lessons and joy will yet follow me down my path.

So after I came back to Singapore, I was swarmed with work. Literally. Think it made my cough worse. Gave my gift to her 1st day of bAoc. Hope she really likes it. Haha. Then I fell sick after that. As in really weak. So I was kinda forced to stay at home, slept through most of the days anyway. Had over 50 missed calls in 1 day. Omg! Freaking scary, since I dun exactly know who called (no caller ID). Missed out on worldview and the chess competition (dunno which 1 I would've gone for, maybe its fate the choice was taken outta my hands). Then... sch reopens...

Crashed daryl's OM lecture. Freaking boring. I was so bored I read about bleach while sitting in front. Went to leo booth, talk with people.. and lizhen can ask me why I cut my hair and never keep it longer, when Sg is so freaking hot... Image is important, but so is comfort. Lol. Waited for jackson, then we went to canteen 3 for lunch. Had hokkien mee. Loved it... Just cos its hokkien mee, the quality wasnt that good actually... XD Then went for FMGT lecture. I think I gonna love FMGT. 1st lecture was freaking easy... basically a revision of POA + common sense. And alamak, so many people already forgot that we already learnt it in POA... and when I shouted liability (it was a spur of the moment thing), I dunno how the heck they identified when my voice kinda changed cos of coughing madness, but heck. Haha. Went leo clubhouse, where I called Central CDC and waited for 20 mins straight!! Fell asleep at clubhse. Woke up then went with Jer, Kel, Jack, and Daryl to see Miss Leong. Not really sure why I was there, but at least I talked. Haha. Went for dinner with Kel and Daryl and had Hokkien Mee (proper 1 this time XD)!! Went home... was struggling not to sleep. Fell asleep about 1am.

Woke at 7, but was dead tired. Was searching for my results to photocopy. Crashed Daryl's AAA lecture. It was totally POA. Man, I'm so glad my POA skills still seem to be there. Basically only forgot the COGS template and the laws thing. But shouldn't take long to recall and revise (I hope). Lecturer was strict at first, but slackened later. Break time she approached us, I thought she was going to ask me where my notes were. Lol. After that we went for IEF lecture. I dun want to describe it here. But its pure ownage!! Really. I'm so glad I went. At least I know I have to start preparing to avoid getting slaughtered. Lol. We then went Toa Payoh to submit the forms. Then Kel and I took 153 back. Basically thats it till now...

So these are roughly the more eventful highlights... Without including my thoughts. Haha. I really felt like posting them in 1 of my drafts earlier, but I dun really want to piss anyone off. Especially since I dun really feel I'm involved anymore. So yea... (its a reference to more than 1 thing, so dun read too much into it). Then Kenny asked me if I was still bothered by the thing... to which I told him I'm no longer distracted and that's all anyone will need to know. Truth is, I don't know how to express it into words. I feel so inadequate, and so dumb... especially when it comes to certain matters. Let go? What is to let go? If I can truly let go of feelings, then I also won't be the person I am today. My passion for biz... one nice example. Many a times in life, we have to make decisions. I have no time yet. And I recognise that. So at least I can put it off. At least, let me stone when I have the time to stone. Right now, the priority is to CLEAR IT ALL. And make my way outta the sch stuff. Its been a repetitive experience for some time, and I need to be free of it all before I make my next step. Or maybe its an excuse for me to reject myself. But whatever the case is, I'm back. And I won't lose my focus this time. Because I know that all of them will want me to do my best, especially those whom I care about. To just get distracted over it will only let all of them down, and most importantly, truly make me unworthy to get there. Or maybe I'm deluding myself with ideals. I dun care, as long as it works....

The man running from EVERYTHING...
JOSH

Remembering what life is.....
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Another half a month since I last posted. Haha. I've been thinking about my role in life. What is it exactly that I do? What kind if impact do I bring? Why would people care for me? Lets see... when I disappeared from the online world, I had people who messaged me to check if anything happened to me.. but to be honest, most of my contacts only actually bother to ask about my results and what class I choosing or got into... Lol... Makes people wonder who the heck I am to them, doesn't it? Haha. Not blaming them... just musing over stuff... Maybe I had a tad too much free time... (As if)

And then, so many things I have to think about, and no one who can truly help or advise me... I believe, and many adults have agreed, that the study of business is way more than just the textbook, that community service, event management, physical training, exposure etc. are essential to a true understanding of business. Some of you may think me a fool, but I assure you, I pondered over it a long time, looked at the different factors that lead to people succeeding, and I am very sure in my belief. Social contribution is part of CSR (corporate social responsibility), and community service is a wonderful way for your people to interact, build up relationships, and share in the joy of bringing hope to others. Unless you want to remain mediocre forever, or remain in a mediocre company that is. When you expand, you will have to run events. Even a company's anniversary, or when hosting VIPs. Physical training... when you motivate your staff to do it with you, it keeps them from falling sick, and also allows people to challenge their physical and mental limitations. And exposure/experience etc is of utmost importance of course.
What can I truly let go off? Or is it my onus to keep carrying this burden, which grows more and more wearisome... and is the lethargy I feel born of excuses or a true limit on my energy? Where can I find answers? Learn the enjoy the little things in life? How do I keep focus of my overall goals then? Or was it fear generated from my overall goals that led to my slip-ups? Where the heck did determination go to? Responsibility yet remains a distance away! Of what use are advantages if not acted upon on to create a further gap? Of what stupidity is it to let my weaknesses go untended? Where oh where did the systems fly to? Dang it... Haha... Sianz ah!!

Can anyone describe what is it that I do? I cant really. Maybe it wasnt a true vision after all. Need to do it all over again. What is the impact that I bring to people around me? Plans, more plans, projects, help.. erm.. resource person maybe? God knows. So tired... But I dun want to drop it all, because there is still a life to live for, yet if I don't drop, how do I fulfill my potential? GG.. really...

I sound depressed? Lol. Not really. Haha. Actually, while I was at the Serve China pre-bonding camp, my spirit was revived.. wun really put a finger on who or what.. or was it a series? :D But the most important thing is, I will win!! Simply because I hate losing, if nothing else. At last, a game for me to play!! Afterall, it got pretty boring. Also, new class! Something to look forward to at least for now. For those who wanna know my class... its 28!! Chose it cos 3 days with lecture and tutorial on same day. Only need bring the textbook once. Hehe.

Kaez, many things I have to do yet... so here's an end to my post for now!!

Remembering what life is.....
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Wow, long time since my last update. Haha. Many things have happened as usual. Think my absence online has been causing loads of people to wonder. Lol. Coupled with the fact I've all but disappeared.... Been sick. Haha. So taking a long rest. Cant afford to burn out, can I? Been doing loads of thinking too. And trying to numb myself as well I suppose. Gaming... Lol... Cos I cant seem to stop thinking. And for the record, I'm an absolute failure. Haha. My training has barely been put into effect. Of course, I have not totally thrown it aside... But I'm making much much lesser progress than I thought I would. My only excuse? No one can keep up that kind of intensity forever... Haha... Lousy me....

The Cheers thingy, I've been thinking about it. No doubt that Miss Dorene was doing her best to help us. When we were leaving, she did get Miss Lee to pass us the forms. And as I thought about it, I realised that the main issue might have been with Miss Chew. We are mostly SIFE members. As we have seen from her taking direct action with regard to us, the school does care for the result of the competition. She might not have wanted us to detract our efforts... Of course, could be because people like me have too many activities, and they doubted our availability.... Sorry then people, if that's the case. Haiz. On to the next game, but then, I never like to lose.

Bloody problem with the two is still there. Very troublesome to type sia. But feel like typing on. Haha. For all the stuff that I missed out, sorry guys. Esp to the Pre-U Seminar Team, I was quite disoriented, forgot to tell u ppl that I was sick. 1 more week to the release of the results, wonder if I should be getting excited or depressed. Definitely won't be doing as well as last sem. Oh well... Crap. CCA Points updated to 149. Amazing. Haha. 153 points more to catch up with Alvin. Lol. Starting on my 3rd gold. :D Dang it though... wonder if my efforts will be worthwhile in the end.

Been reading a lotta my old books also. No, not on biz etc. Fiction. Lol. Missed those stories actually. Feel like I've been restricting my imagination and language. Haha. Writer's urge? :D Dang it, I'm just crazy. Stressed sia. My bro cant make it to poly (as of now, appeal dateline is today), but he gonna try RP later, so all the best to him. And there's still so much work to do. Chess Camp, Pre-U Seminar research, SIFE, Leo Club... Ooh... Serve China 07? Chess Competition? Erm, the stuff I want to do? Haha. I need some new games sia. Playing against the AI gets boring after awhile... (for dota AI, use bloodseeker to pawn... I racked up 8k gold b4 I went back, at full life? Wtf... Just focus on last hit/deny with blood bath) I want RPG!!! Lol. A good game nowadays takes like 3+GB. When games used to be 1GB or so, dl was viable. Now it isnt. Lol.

Was wondering... what really is right and wrong... Something never meant to happen did, and I just cannot keep my focus anymore. No religion for me to fall back on too... Haha... The only beliefs I subscribe to are the stuff I read and think about. May the world grant me strength, that I may resolve this within myself to gain peace.... Hmm... Hercules just sprang to my mind. Lol. Loved that movie. Maybe I should go find the disc and watch. Hahaha... The measure of a hero isnt by the size of his strength, but the strength of his heart.... But who needs to be a hero? Then again, why am I aiming to reach the top? Sometimes, things just cannot be explained... Can they? I can win so many, but alas, fall prey to none other than myself...

HaX0r....

Remembering what life is.....
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Exams are over. Bigger headaches lie ahead I guess. Like how to survive this sem hols. Haha. Literally lived through hell for the last 1, reflecting on it that is... Though I won't regret it, seeing the amount of cca points I've managed to garner. :D So here stands my SDAR Record, according to when the cca point system shut down: Total 146, ARLS 90. School still owes me!! Haha.... Yea, it is possible to score gold not in a single year, but a single sem.... So people, dun complain or give up!!

And no... I wun quit just because I've gotten gold. Haha. I didnt join the CCAs for CCA Points (alone)... But cant blame me for being less active, when I kick the second phase of my plan into action. I got many "secret" projects this hols. Lol. Ok, not that secret, just that many people don't know.

So how's the exams? Dun like it, definitely wun do as well as I would like to, but its ok I guess. At least I didn't get really distracted. Went for steamboat after last paper with some of my classmates, since no idea whether we will be in the same class again next acad year. So nice its right after the exam, since I might not have time soon enough... Haha.. starting from Wed. Got saddled with an unexpected project. And that event is in May!! 3 months? Argh!! Told my classmates what they can expect to find next year. Haha. Some f'cos not interested de. More interested in my private life eh... :D Seriously speaking, knowing doesnt do anyone any good.... And its not like I will bother to act on it for now... So its not a matter of importance at all. Now I gotta focus on getting everything cleared 1st, so I can relax more next acad year. :D

Hmm, gotta go out soon. Update again next time. Took bloody long to type this post, what with the "two" spamming. ARGH!!!!

Remembering what life is.....
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Warm-up time!! Been slacking madly for the past few days. Not that I'm arrogant, but there is a time and place for everything! :D Had to prepare myself for these few days... by relaxing and all first. But its time to give it my best now... Not like I can recall stuff I revised 1 week ago anyway... Haha... Thanks for the well wishes everyone... and all the best to you guys too!!

Dy, you cant blame me for it lor... you wanted a masterpiece capable of delivering an AD and I gave it to you... the fact is that I'm a poly student, not even year 3 in fact, so blame it on your tutor's judgement. It isn't even the best piece of work I can produce, so tired I was that night...

And once again, I hit a mental barrier. Haha. Knowing it might just cause me more headache in the future, but relishing the experience anyway... looking forward to it in fact. Sounds like addiction. Oops. Haha... But nothing can detract me away from blasting ahead now... No matter what it is, I have the capability to be an ace player, and my life has already been devoted to the challenge.

Letting the music suffuse me and take hold of my mood and thought... Been a long time since I've enjoyed myself like this... Its a really good piece of music!! I can feel challenge ahead, with ever quickening pace... but where that challenge is, hope is too.... Euphorium!! Haha... Reminding me of my dreams, and the magic that lays within and without me...

Anyway, chatted with kelvin and jackson just now. Kelvin mentioned getting married at 28, having children at 30, and retiring at 50. Given the number of things I want to do, retirement doesnt even come into the picture... And as for getting married, I dun even see a gf on the horizon, not to mention children. Hahaha.... Wonder if its fear or reality that stops me from planning for that...

Next academic year, I'm going to make myself an undisputed ace. I can already see it.. Haha.. To be honest, with my current ability, to dominate is not impossible, but I rather count on people getting more motivated and upgrading themselves... And to get there, I will have to train myself rigourously!! Right away after the exams... My memory skills, speed reading, technical skills, stamina, even business knowledge will all have to undergo training once more. Shudder to think of what I will do to myself, but if thats the price for success, so be it!!! Just one more year left to go before I tackle the final challenge of... I will save that for now. Haha...

Take care everyone, and all the best for exams!!

Remembering what life is.....
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Realised I've not been chatting with her. Doesn't really matter though. Maybe it will be better for us all in the end. It feels so lonely to reach the epitome though. I know I did it today. Unleashed my presentation skill despite 2 days with no sleep. She was just too stunning today, and smile and laugh so much I also feel glad for her. Haha. Took my mind off my weariness perhaps. Such a chore to maintain myself. If I were most students, after OB 9-11, I could be off home to slack then revise. Instead, I have to plan for the cheers outlet thingy, look at how to improve my technical skills, prepare for interview, AGM, and another meeting later.What a life? And people can still wonder why I want to quit? So stressed. Exams coming also. I'm the rock standing against the tide, and one day, the tide will either sweep me away or just leave me drowning...

The hard work seems to have paid off, but is the result worth it? Lets wait and see....
(The above was 2 days ago, on the 30 Jan :D)

Gonna talk about motivation now. Haha. If only they can understand... many people just don't understand why I do what I do and how it helps. Motivation by inspiration and desperation... much truer than most people can imagine. And as I linked the level of acceptance and level of expectation to these two, I hope many people catch the drift. And no people, I'm not addicted at all. Seriously speaking, I've placed myself through training, and there are some things I don't think I will ever fall for again. Of course, to reach much higher levels, I've got to think of new ways to train and challenge myself, but to handle what is going on right now, I think the current me is still up to it. :D I've really manage to wear myself down though, which hasn't happened for some time. But its ok. We will start afresh soon, in 3 months time! :D

I've managed to get myself so pumped up again. For just a day, maybe I forgot what it meant to be me. Haha. But I'm so grateful that happened. Taking a break is what I needed after all, though I missed the OB revision lecture and the MIEC revision tutorial. XD But after the rest and inspiration I drew, I think it was worth it, though I'm feeling sorry for my tutors. Oh well. Do let me take a break occasionally. I'm not a machine. Lol. More than being a superstar, I know that being a leader is to bring out the best in others... and I will definitely work on it!! My confidence needs to be rebuilt though.. Haha.. But I know I can do it. After all, I've been scoring ever since the CT... :D Now's time to get my game back on track, blaze the trail to victory, and leave the misery behind. Onward onward, fight fight fight!!

I've been thinking a lot lately. And many things have come to light. I'm so immature sometimes. Haha. But I hope I'm ever improving. To me, failure isn't much of an option... not an option at all actually. Why worry, it will only affect my performance. Haha. Ever seen Josh at work before? Dun think many of you have... Not even most of the leo club people. Maybe most never will. To so many of them, they see only the tired and relaxing me, and may even wonder how I get my results. Or how I produce my work. Wahahaha... its ok. Show time. Dream it, Believe it, Dare to reach, and DO IT!! WIN THE GAME!!!

Remembering what life is.....
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How interesting life is. And how cruel the fates. Dreams are abound, yet for many, there be only 1 who's gonna get it. Especially the position of no.1. You could say that life is a journey and not a destination, but when you think about it, does it truly matter? Your journey will bring you to a destination. The question is, are you satisfied with it? In my journey to be no.1, there be others on the same path as well. If I win, is it fair to have their hopes shattered? And if I shall fail, what a blow that would be to me...

And there be so many distractions, if that be truly what they are. And I havent even looked at limitations yet. Injuries. Being worn down emotionally. When the answers are right in front of you, but you refuse to acknowledge because you fear to face who you are, that is truly sad... I hope that I've finally broken pass that barrier. I used to think I needed a resolution before I could get myself back in the game. But either due to luck, effort, encouragement, and very likely a combination of all, I think I'm there now. These past weeks have been nothing short of a epiphany in the making for me. They've reminded me of how good I can be should I choose to. They've shown me that Josh is stronger than he thought he was. :D And that many opportunities lay ahead yet. And that there is so much to live for in life... the loneliness doesnt matter sometimes I guess... haiz...

Updates. OCOM final paper 31/40. Not even an A. OMG!! But I'm still ok with it. Cos after the paper, my aim was 30. CIP- As for every single thing until now. Assignment 1, CT, PBL (all 3 sections :P). MIEC article submitted. Working on OB presentation. Revision starts from tomorrow. Given half the chance, I have the skill to smash pass challenges. Lol. Goal --> strategy --> action. Hasn't let me down when its called for. I'm also preparing for ever greater things... Hahaha...

Chatted with someone. Since I'm not sure if she would mind if I post it here, I think I shouldnt. Gonna say what I think about it though. Haha. Recognition from family and relatives... I think I understand that... Being the eldest son from my maternal side of the family is such a pressure, when all the others have done so well. One went RI --> RJC --> MIT!! (On govt scholarship.. -.-). Another one is at HCI now. My female cousins have done quite well also, grads from NP with amazing grades, and both went on to uni. The other female cousin also going uni from As now, and she was at RI. Haiz. Sometimes, wanting your effort to be recognised is totally understandable, if uncalled for. Now that I've finally managed to prove myself a bit, at least the pressure is lesser. As for being smart in a way nobody appreciates, that's not really true. I think I appreciate it, as do the other people we know. Recognition will come one day!! Haha. I know the feeling very well really. Not getting the recognition you want.... maybe that has shaped itself in my character.. lemme see, in the form of arrogance? Haha. One thing I disagree though is to inflict pain back. Yes, I once felt the same way too. But as I grew, I realised that truly, no one can make me feel something unless I permit them to. In order to achieve those results, you gotta take control of your own life. You've gotta be responsible for yourself. And your feelings. As for anger being a driving force, I understand that too. Anger and wounding of pride led me down this path too, but as I learnt, its really hard to keep that anger. Motivation by inspiration, not desparation, is what serves me, and everyone best I think. Of course, after saying so much, its your own opinion that counts...

Its amazing really. I'm actually in a state I never thought I would be. There remain things to be sorted out yet, but I'm confident of reaching that breakthrough point soon. To once again experience the euphoria of peak performance? :D I need my rest, need to let the music empower me, let my focus drive me through, let the energy suffuse me, and let my mind soar to new heights... within 2 weeks. Then I can truly say I did my best without any regrets... not like last semester...

In conclusion... Dream, Believe, Dare, Do.

Remembering what life is.....
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"Determined and driven to excellence in all he does, Josh tends to be very competitive. He is not afraid to "go for" what he desires or wants, and is willing to put forth the effort for success. Josh is not afraid to challenge others in his quest to achieve his end goals, but he also respects position and authority and is not unnecessarily confrontational.

Neat and orderly, others usually see Josh as practical. He needs adequate information to make decisions, and he will consider the pros and cons. He may be sensitive to criticism, and will tend to internalize his emotions. Josh likes to clarify expectations before undertaking new projects, and he will follow a logical process to gain successful results.

A warm, outgoing person, Josh enjoys having a high level of interaction with others. He usually finds the "silver lining" in a difficult situation, and typically enjoys the thrill of trying new things. He has a gift for influencing those around him and is viewed as an instinctive communicator. Others find Josh easy to approach and enjoy his easy, open rapport.

Josh doesn't care for routine and will often actively try to change monotonous situations. He tends to march to the beat of his own drum, and prefers to do things on his own so he can work at his own pace. Josh is sometimes seen as being in a hurry to get where he is going since he tends to move quickly from one thing to the next."

Dunno how accurate this is, got this from a test result i took. Neat and orderly is defnitely wrong. Lol. Unless you're talking about my thoughts maybe. The rest seems ok.

Let's see what the past few days have been like... Open House was a failure to me, there was too low a turnout rate. Though the overall quality improved. I like the red, round blob thingy (Lizhen just told me its called a boxer, or is it the boxer?). We had F Cube, the bbq for the Leos. It rained. But we made do. Waited at canteen 2 for people who didnt know where to go. Chatted then. Lizhen always talk about stuff related to studies de. Scary sia. Lol. Ok, maybe its my tendency to talk with her about it? Hahaha... Dunno. Never really noticed. Hmm. Lets see, she told me to watch this show Sherilyne told me about. Went home, then chatted with a few people. The moment I off the com, I fell asleep. Then I woke up at 4pm in the afternoon, having slept a grand total of 14 hours, and saw celia's msg asking me to rest well from the previous night. Lol. Spent most of the day doing pretty much nothing but thinking.

Monday went for CIP. Didnt complete my tutorials. Cos I was playing with After Effects. Then first time I listened in MIEC lecture. Revision lor. Eh, NAPFA testing, where I got locker service AGAIN. Went to eat with dy and kelvin at market after that. Hope he does well for French. Tues was OB (its very easy to fall asleep in Mr Tan's class, and I always dun feel like answering with the right answers, just to hear him crap... wahahaha... he doesnt seem to provide the ans anyway.. so... ). Then went BSTATS lecture. Finished in 20 mins. Hit canteen 3 with hong yi and kel. Butter rice with fish. Nellie joined us. Went lib. Hijacked room. 414. Lol. Then I went 72 to meet Mrs Koh and Mr Lim. She was totally keen about me joining the cheers thing, and made contact with Miss Jasmine Lee. Went back then got chased out. Hijacked another room. Kel left for class, jack came. And he seems to be on the wrong pill. Lol. Went to see Mr Lee with Hong Yi. Wanted to talk to him about OCOM, but he was teaching BSTATS. I was stunned. But learnt. Haha. Then like kena chased out of tb26 like that. Its ok though. Lol. They werent doing tutorials anyway, which was what I went there for. Went leo clubhouse, then went for NAPFA. NO MORE LOCKER SERVICE. Did lap counting 3 times. Stanley runs quite fast. :D Met jack and dy for dinner. LJS @ Bukit Panjang. Then a lonely 1hr ride home. Oh well.

My situation seems to be revolving around all the time now. But I'm hardly worried. Come on life, throw whatever shit you want at me. Haha. It will only make me stronger and better prepared to take on the tougher challenges in life. I think dy was right. After what I went through, I think that I have grown up more as well. Grateful as ever. Oh well. But please lah, becoming more mature doesnt mean a certain someone has to mistake me for being a year 3, when I told her explicitly I was year 1. Lol. I've regained that inner calm and confidence within now. Its easy to get hurt if you don't know how to protect yourself. One tip I think would be to look at the big picture always. Been doing that a lot lately. People can go all nitty-gritty into details, but where they use multiple points to carve out a single niche, I use a single niche to carve out multiple points. Who wins? Depends. :D But I've always smashed challenges apart. Seems to be a good enough answer for me. I'm not used to losing. :S

Life is so interesting really. People change too fast. And I have no idea what to think. Maybe chris is right. Haha. Only they can truly trouble me. I'm so relaxed and confident with dealing with most matters, believing that if effort was placed in, things will have an acceptable results at the very least, if not desirable. But when it comes to matters of the heart, where josh has to feel, I'm just an idiot. How good can I be really? I wonder. Cant even make up my mind on what to do, there are so many options. Developing talents, including myself, is what I wanna do, but how? Good job thinking Josh. Have fun!


Remembering what life is.....
+ + +


What is it like to lose totally? Lose until you have nothing to say? I've been asking myself that, and I don't know the answer. And I don't wish to know. Sometimes, I wonder what a loss really stands for... Heart-wrenching pain? Or failure? Disappointment? Or bitterness? It takes a lot of effort to win, but how much effort does it take to recover from a loss? Maybe it has been much easier for me. I've never experience much failure, and for many of those, I was right on about what went wrong and made amendments for those, which eventually in me achieving the result. Perhaps, the people who have had to recover from their losses are far stronger than me. I don't know. I really don't. Hailed to be a talent, supposed to be brimming with potential, but I feel like a fool. Screwed. And screws loose. Maybe. :P Never could keep myself down for too long. But wonder if I'm trying too hard to be having fun.

Had table topics today. Knew I had mindblock, was too exhausted, so asked Madeline to just keep it to 1 min for me. Knew I had to rely entirely on everything but content. Lol. Good thing it still seemed to turn out fine. Jin's OCOM rocks too. And I volunteered to be ah counter cause long time no practice le. Must do it before I get back to toastmasters. Lol. And I was already lenient lor... Please lah, I'm not out to screw anyone, I've never bothered to... I don't even break the rules for myself usually, unless its an extreme situation, where something has gone horribly wrong. Asked Mr Lee about Jin's OCOM grade, since I thought he did quite well. He said he had to keep down the no. of As. TB27 had 5 As lor. Haha. We only have 3. But with 78%, coupled with what Mr Lee can top up for him from participation, I think Jin can still do well! :D

Read CK's blog. Must really talk about this guy. Haha. Here's what he wrote about me:
"josh! wen i 1st met josh....i was wondering whether is he a human? the 1st ting i heard abt him was "I have 17ccas!"loLS....i was lyk stunned....he is a xtremely smart n hardwking guy....if theres the most hardwking award in NP...im pretty sure u will getit....hahahas...josh has given many perspectives n tings 2 improve myself in life...=)...thx josh! still looking 4ward 2 catching a movie wif u....we hav nvr ever do so even we seems 2 noe each other 4 soooo long....hiaz...nevertheless, u r the best!LOls...."

Must clarify, I reduce no. of CCAs le. To like 6. Haha. Smart is debatable. Hardworking... think lizhen even more hardworking than me sia. Lol. But thanks for that anyway! The movie thing, it took jackson, kelvin and me 8 months to watch. But I think we will watch it sooner. Haha.

And my turn to talk about CK. CK is a totally power guy. Haha. He complements me quite well I think. We have different working styles that seem to cover quite a bit for each other. I'm more of a visionary when in "on the game" mode and to get things done, I need to be "in the game". But CK is different from me, in that he makes sure that there is a game to play, and he makes sure that people play the game along with him. So unlike me in a way. But in others, we are also quite alike. I think that it is no coincidence I met him. If not leo club, then chess club, passion synergy, or something, there is no doubt he is one of the few talents I would have been looking for in NP. :D He's very reliable, always follow up, and best part is, he gives me new perspectives too. Need to learn from him as well. Most people ask "How many star players can there be in a team?" I think we should be asking,"How many and who are the players we should have to make an all-star team?" If I ever need a star player (which I definitely do), CK would be one of the first few I will call to mind. There remains 1 challenge yet.. who's the leader? Haha. But we will sort that out. As long as it is for the good of the team, I think we will all sacrifice to get the best possible result. I think the bonding we have (as in the Leo/SIFE team) is quite special. Haha.

Anyone who ever wants to challenge me, welcome. :P Competition will only make me work harder. Haha. For all the rubbish I talk about working smart, working hard is part of working smart too. And I do think that when it comes to producing projects that I judge to have a significant value, I work far harder than most people realise. And when you consider the opportunity cost of my time, as well as the fact I've hardly had much sleep over the past 9 months, it sucks when I dun even get thanked properly. I admit that I have so many faults of my own, but at least I take pride in my work. By not even acknowledging my effort, its almost a direct insult to me. I'm an easygoing person, but when it comes to what I consider important, I hope people don't try to cross me.

Ok, even my mood gets worse as I blog. Lol. Wonder what the affliction with us is about. So much to look forward to. Such a huge gap I'm opening up. And many things are going the right way. And I think even about being more free, I've been there too. But things change fast. Maybe I'm just not adaptive? If it hadn't been answered, I wouldn't have bothered to think much about it. But just to get the real answer now is bugging at me. I need to focus. Haha. Jason was feeling kind of moody too. Maybe its the pressure? Maybe I need to take a break? Haha. For what he's going through now, I think I've been in his shoes, much as what I went through before, he did too. Together, we can pull through. I just cannot afford to be distracted, but who can say what truly is distracting me? The books say the heart always knows, and if thats the case, then my heart is closed to me. Did I seal it shut, or was the door never opened?

Too many things are happening with too many people now. And I'm like a spider in the middle of a web, feeling the tremors going through it. I want to help, but feel helpess. I want to motivate, but fear losing my motivation. I want to ask, but don't want to know the answer (for many questions). I want to be there, but I hardly have time for myself. Is it any wonder I'm a cracking fool. Haha. A phrase flashes in my mind, "Life wasn't meant to be a struggle". The question I have in mind now is, if getting motivation from life isn't from the desperation of the struggle, then where do we get the inspiration from? I'm a fool, over-indulging myself in rhetorical thoughts. I read all those stuff from the motivational speakers and authors, and saw that their techniques would work. Yet when I am embroiled in it myself, I find myself NOT using them deliberately. What a joke. Humanity's tendency to over-indulge themselves, or a glaring weakness of mine? Or is it that the future I once saw no longer holds promise, because it lacks the vividness and passions of today? Did I lose my clarity, or am I on a path to greater achievement?

Being Josh really is like a seriously tiring job. What I'm feeling is like.. I need to get out of this (s)hell. And find someone or people who can bring out the best in me. Besieged by tons of feelings and thoughts. I let things take their course... with my guidance... and sometimes with a very heavy hand. Haha. Is there much to live for and look forward to? Definitely. It hasn't been an easy job achieving what I did. But the true challenge may be in giving it up. I don't know. How much will I sacrifice for any one cause or person? Will that decide how my life turns out?

Question after question. I think thats a recurring syndrome in this post. And quite a few without answers. All ends lay within myself though. I'm the only person who really decides how these will turn out... except for 1 special case. Haha. Doesn't take a genius to figure out that I'm not depressed or thinking of giving up, but just feeling tired, confused, and screwed. Maybe I should take some kohkoh pills to get high, alcohol to conk myself out (i'm of legal age now :D), and get a screwdriver.

Doesn't seem close to happening though. If only I held the skeleton key for all locks...

Remembering what life is.....
+ + +


Long time since I posted. I have had 3 posts deleted before this for various reasons, all of them accidents. :D

I'm finally 18!! My new resolution with my coming of age- Be more responsible!!!

Too many things have happened in my life that have affected me a lot, and one of which seems to be going on and off is tugging at me right now. I thought that I would be able to let it go totally, but the mysteries of the heart are not yet mine to unveil yet. How I perceive the irony of reading up on econs now. Its like not having total knowledge about the market, thus it is not perfect competition. Oh well. I stand by my words still. Just that maybe I'm not as good as I thought I was....

I've proven that its possible for year 1 to do year 2 and 3 work. Sometimes, its not about knowledge. The correct strategy plays a huge role. Haha. I'm so tired out though. Always thought I was close to burn-out, but seems like there's some incredible energy pent up in me yet. That's not to say I won't sleep if given half the chance... I need it. OMG. Haha.

My class rocks really. Got birthday cake for me (chocolate, exactly the way I would have it :D), and celebrated. Considering what some of them thought of me at the start of last semester, this seems like a 360 degree turnaround. Nonetheless grateful to them though. TB30 rox. Now just need to focus on studies as well, and we can thrash the rest. Hahaha.


Was there some message I was supposed to have gotten? Or was there something that I did wrong? Or is it the fact that I am just me after all. Haha. Had OB lecture just now, where Tan Tien Siang talked about emotional intelligence. Think I rank somewhere close to 0 for that. Ok lah. Last test I took ranked me as below average. Haha. 110, compared to standard average of 120. I'm just confused. Lol. Not that it really matters in the long run? Perhaps, mayhaps... and I hope there are no mishaps.

Exhaustion is overtaking me. My mind is in critical mode though. Like I see, think, feel, and do. In that order. What I visualise, I bring to life. Ok, not all the time. But for my work. Hope I can sustain it. Now going for napfa testing. Update again later...

Remembering what life is.....
+ + +


Currently in school, watching my groupmates do CIP. Nothing to do, so blogging lor. I feel kinda pissed. Lol. Probably from lack of sleep. And even more likely from dropping so many points. And most likely from all the pressure I've been piling on myself. Haha.... I hate losing!! And I seem to be losing to more and more people. The game isnt over yet, but the need to win is driving me crazy. And so I am going crazy!! Lol. Did the CIP presentation slides, so proud of myself. Cos I think it rawks. Haha...

My to-do list is swelling. With BSTATS CT 2 coming up, and I havent done anything for it yet. OMG!! Its ok. Lol. I know how to do it. At least I think I do. Hahaha... Insanity is me. If only I can just truly let go of it all, I will be close enough. Am I caring too much? Or am I caring too little? Just a little more, and I can do it. But it seems that when I reach that crucial step, I fall. Am I even aware of how it happens? Nope. Or rather, consciously not, deep down yes.

I don't have a long post this time. Cos too tired. And cos I dun have much to say. Maybe say Kenny Yap rawks? Lol. And that my friends rule? Hahaha... Good luck to all. I expect more effort from you Josh. Hang in there, and break the limitations!!

Remembering what life is.....
+ + +


Wanted to blog yesterday, but conked out immediately when I reached home. Slept till 4am. Signed in to see so many chat windows. From people who thought I was appearing offline. Lol. And I promptly fell asleep again. Woke up at 10+. Missed bstats again. OMG!! But I did go for make-up later. Cabbed down to school (not cos I rich, but cos I was DAMN LATE) just in time for OCOM. Did table topics. Just no mood today. Crapped for my topic. Wasnt too badly done. :D Watched a stupid show on Dean's lappie also... Then went for bstats make-up. Met up with Kelvin, Kenny, Li Ching and Nellie at canteen 1. Went leo clubhouse after kenny went class. Jackson came. We crapped. Lol. And discussed leo club bbq event. Went final lesson of bstats peer tutoring by joanne. She was so kinda shocked at my dropped points. Lol. I not shocked, but kinda disappointed, even though I knew I slipped up. Which reminds me of what I read at friendster... the dang horoscope, it turned out to be true sia. Lol.



Remembering what life is.....
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Trying to blog while facing the "two" problem. Its interesting sia. Whatever. Felt a bit bored, and with nothing but homework and projects to do, thought I would play an old old game from before... too bad Christabel hardly keep in contact with me anymore, else she should recall sia. Short (or long, depending on how you look at it) essay based on quote. Dun ask me why. It was something I just did, and boy, did it do wonders for my compo skills...

So today's contribution, courtesy of Sherilyne my classmate (who seems to have nothing much to do save friendster when she doesnt have friendster account... :P) "Happiness is a journey, not a destination". Btw, Sherilyne, you missed out a "s" when you typed. Lol. Ok, enough teasing.

Is happiness a journey or destination? I wonder. I derive immense fun from the process, but ever has it been the goal which drives me forward and gives me satisfaction at the end of the day. However, I did once thought about it this way... If I was given the objective without having to go through anything, would I feel satisfied, driven, or have any fun? Probably not. So was the satisfaction from the culmination of the process, or was it the end unto itself? Has it to do with my level of want or need? Probably. You know, whenever I do this essay thing, I always wind up with "it depends". Wahaha. Probably for good reason. Staying politically correct. Oh well.


Lets look at happiness as a journey. I think many people would agree that the process itself is usually as important as the result, especially if it is something you want to do. (If its something you hate, then it probably goes against the entire topic in the first place, so it shouldn't even be mentioned) One thing I have noticed, is that while happiness can be relative to oneself, more often, it has to do with the quality of your relationships with the people around you. And if I am correct on that, then the process itself is definitely where happiness lies. Lets take playing soccer as an example. Why play soccer? In soccer, the goal is to outscore the opposition in goals within a limited timeframe. If I were to stand down there, do nothing, and the ball shoots itself at the opposition for the win, I would probably be dead bored. The thrill of playing soccer is what keeps me going for it. Yet, soccer is a team game as well. If my team mates are not having fun, and I do not build up any relationship with them, it makes the game dull. You ever noticed how cohesive teams can smash teams with more talented players apart? When people find joy in the process, it's a magical feeling.

How about happiness as a destination? I won't deny I once ascribed to this. I linked pleasure to achieving my goals, pain to failure to achieve them. When you have experienced the joy of overcoming the odds, the satisfaction of a perfect ending to a long and tiring journey, that is a form of happiness as well. In fact, it can make you so intoxicated when you experience it, you may try to keep setting and going for even more goals. One thing about this is that there is generally a lack of colour in life. I myself have begun to appreciate the finer things and moments in life, and revel in them. If we are entirely fixated on our goals, it is sometimes easy to miss out these small but memorable and vivid things in our lives. So would you prefer a more relaxed lifestyle, enjoying the process and people as it goes, or would you prefer to experience euphoria in a blinding flash all at one go?

That would bring us to differences in personalities. More specifically, the difference in personality that would relate most to this topic would be goal-oriented VS people-oriented. People who are utterly goal-driven can hardly derive any satisfaction other than for attaining their goals. On the other hand, people who are more people-oriented may choose to relax a bit more, enjoying each moment as it passes by. Is there a route which is the best? Once again, it depends... on you!

So is success a journey or a destination? That is entirely up to you. Is a mix of both possible? I certainly hope so, for that is what I am doing my best to attain. My natural tendency would be to let it be a destination, but the process itself does play a huge role towards the end product, its hard to tell what would happen otherwise. So I end it once again with my familiar friend "It depends". :D


Ok, done with that section. I've started on goal no.10, and I'm working my way upwards. How I wish there was another two weeks of holidays left. Then again, if I was given two more weeks, how much longer would I have wallowed in what I did? No idea. Maybe the same amount of time, possibly longer. Oh well, now's not the time for maybes. I am done with crippling myself. Yes, I may still be affected, and it still scares me as much as ever, since I know I will definitely lose should... forget it. But lets hope that doesnt come to pass, and let the personal power of josh shine through... ALL THE WAY!! Give me more time, and I promise I will become who I was before, possibly beyond even that... since there has been so much I have forgotten!!!

Remembering what life is.....
+ + +


1st of Jan. Start of something new. And as I have said over and over again, the Law of Attraction is not merely a law, it is a way of life. Unfinished business will be resolved before the New Year begins... and once again, my intuition has proven me correct. What is it like to win the battle but lose the war? So what if my hunch was correct? :D Intuition and reality are 2 different things afterall... even if things occured the same in reality as my intuition had it. Oh well, wish I can put my intuition to better use!!

So am I sad? Would obviously be a lie if I said I wasn't, and I am done with concealing myself. But having been prepared for it softens it bah. And the cold, hard realisation that there would have been no other course. Don't even bother to tell me things could have been different for 3 good reasons- 1. What is past is past, 2. I have too many commitments to too many people to break them, 3. My path has been set long ago. I've only this one life to live...

And in my own way, I am glad. Be ready to behold once again, the indomitable josh who will smash apart challenges like they are... tofu, since I seriously dun like the smell of too much butter. Haha. What a life... what a life... If anything, I should blame myself for having been too narrow-minded, all those years back, when I crafted my vision. So many aspects of life were untouched when I did it, because I had believed in total focus. And had it not been for a series of events in October, I would probably have been... as foolish as ever. And by the way, foolish has nothing to do with intelligence. Lol. Thanks for the lesson which has highlighted my failings.

As for what my tenth goal is, it is a project which I have failed before, and which I fear might fail again. So its not out there. Jason, I think you got the wrong idea about what the goal is.. so I'm posting this paragraph. Lol. It was one of my failed goals from 2006.

And what I truly feel at this moment... Something that transcends what I do I suppose. If I've never believed that my destiny is in my own hands, then I might be tempted to just let go with the winds of fate. What I'm feeling right now is a lot of "Ifs" and "Whys", mostly directed at myself. Instead of the usual "Hows". But it's on the way. I need to play games, sharpen my mind.

Will update later. After I start on my programme. Which incidentally is my tenth goal. Since most of you probably don't comprehend it, its pointless to write down anyway. :D

Remembering what life is.....
+ + +


How wonderful. How fascinating. How amazing. How tiring. How the days have gone by. At this moment, the song "Colours of the Wind" is playing in my mind. A time for reflections. A time for regrets. A time for repentance. A time to reap the rewards. A time to recognise the results. And yea, a time of rain. Lol. And today, on the very last day of the year, I doubt that I will sleep. Despite what Kenny said, and despite my agreeing with him to live your day as though it is your last day, today for me is a date of significance. It lacks the feel of the previous years. Probably because of my academic calendar. But that doesnt diminish its importance. If anything, maybe being able to be a bit more removed may allow me to ascend to a new level.

Time flies. The year has past by in a flash. How keen the memories. How sweet the victories. How bitter the defeats. Last year this time, I was working at Just Media. How I miss that experience. January, I was looking into business development over marketing. A start of a new journey. February, I got my O Level results, rushed to NP, and submitted my application for Business Studies. March, I visited the last few seminars I would for the year, as my time spun out of my control. April, I began on my academic path oncemore, beginning with Sports Camp and FOC. May, I had to endure whatever negative things people thought about me in order to achieve the results I wanted. June, I did well for Common Test, was on track for CCA Points target, and received positive news for my scholarship application. July, eye infection and project pressure. August, exams, meeting the director of BA, and having a workshop with my fellow scholars. September, I concluded that I needed to shift my track for CCAs, and had something close to my first burnout. October, I began to explore a side of myself I've been neglecting in my pursuit for achievement, as well as participated in the IVP for Chinese Chess, in which we got second. November, I achieved my goal of topping my cohort, and at the same time, was discovering that my relationship with some people had started to change unwittingly. December, I was distracted, committed the most number of slip-ups ever, acknowledged that I had fallen in love, while also having the time of my life.

I achieved 8 of the 10 goals I set last year. So yea, I'm gonna tell myself here "Josh, I'm proud of you, but you can do better! :D" Admidst all these achievements though, there have been multiple sad stories left in their wake... and here I am to say sorry. Many of them won't hear it, but I truly am sorry. To Azhar and co., for not having caught up with you guys as I promised. To Jimmy and Mike, I am so sorry to disappoint both of you, but I guess I am not ready. To those people whom were disappointed with me in my CCAs for various reasons... especially to Arthur, I am sorry for having to make those excuses. Excuses they are, for I have nothing else to defend myself with. I was over-reaching, and I paid and am paying the price for it. To Ziwei for not having been there as I hoped I would. To my class for probably having been overbearing at times. To my project mates for the little time I have for meetings. To my tutors for assignments incompleted. To the lecturers for skipping the lectures. To Jackson, for not showing the care and concern you need. To Kelvin, for being unable to alleviate your loneliness. To Jason, for not being able to be there, as I know you hoped I would. To *****( just in case :P)... for not daring to tell you I like you. Haiz.

The list spans on. Sorry for missing out on you if you think your name should be there. As you guys can see, for all that I have managed to get under my belt, there has been many failures, disappointments, and regrets. So many in fact, that I am so tired of it all. I remain far from who I want to be. And the greatest lesson this year I truly appreciate now- A man is what he makes of himself. Not his achievements and his goals. But his character. May my failures from this year not haunt me, but instead serve as powerful reminders in my molding as a talent. If you consider it from this angle, those of you who believe me to be "damn pro" or however you want to term it, will realise that there is not much difference between us. People overestimate my intelligence and ability. But they underestimate my potential and drive. Then again, many people underestimate their own potential as well as that of others. Even me.

If I could choose one month to take with me though, it will be December. This month, I got seriously distracted. And this is a powerful lesson to me. I thought that I would always be in control. But nope, I was totally off. One of the failings of youth. This month, I made slip-ups when I shouldnt have, during the Common Test. That may yet serve as a source of motivation for me to put in even more effort for the coming weeks though. If I fall because of that though, then it will serve as yet another powerful lesson. A lesson which is invaluable. It is easy to slip up because of something relatively minor, and regret it for a long time to come. It will make me think before I fall into the same trap again. This month, my brainchild, the project for Leo Club, finally kicked off with Leo Factor, and I am proud of all my fellow Leo Club members who've been there with me to do it. Kudos to CK!! This month, I fell victim to pressure. Pressure which has spurred me on in the past. Thanks for the lesson... knowing that there are limits to what I can yet do or take. This month, I got to know new friends, as well as know some old ones better, though there be some whom seem to drift further. And yah, this month, I realised that I had fallen in love. I guess I don't need to elaborate on the feelings here, think most of you should have experienced the same, as well as the conflicts in the mind that spring from it. But I wouldnt have had it any other way. Indeed, I was intoxicated by it, and allowed my own distraction. Whether it be blessing or bane, I know not, but it has given me great joy, and I feel all the more grateful to everyone.

According to the lunar calendar, I belong to the year of the dragon. As such, this year wasn't supposed to be a good year, while the coming one is. I dunno how you guys feel, but if this year is supposed to be bad, imagine how good the coming one will be for me. Hahaha... Looking at the characteristics of the dragon and the snake, it is not hard to figure out that I really am more like a dragon child. God bless. Lol. My birthday within 17 days. As that day looms closer, I have to answer two rather important questions. Firstly, what is the value of my life? Secondly, what is my purpose in life? Being 18 is a landmark. Since it is an age by which people are supposed to be more matured, I better start acting like it. Lol. One thing I have learnt... respect. Even if others don't, if you believe enough in one thing, give it enough respect. Like punctuality. :D

Let the reflections pass. Haha. And look ahead into the future. What do I see? Crossroads. Challenges abound. Criss-crossing of paths. Most importantly, I see hope. Hope for a better future, advancement year after year, and me coming into my own power. To fully revel in being who I am... that would be fun. And to mold myself into someone whom is more like who I aspire to be. I see juniors coming in, and I hope to help shape some of their paths as mine was shaped. I see competitions, I see results. If only I can see her within that vision as well... but that is not up to me. Oh well... my brain is revved up, so I have two autopilot softwares running in my brain right now. Is that the best I can do? Can I exude even more control? And should I? Questions... where are the answers... where has my solution-orientation gone to? Not gone with the wind, only blind when it comes to such matters.

Top 10 GOALS for 2007

1. Top my cohort (once again)
2. Represent NP for competitions (at least 5)
3. Reduce CCA Involvement (Only 4 CCAs at the max)
4. Get more involved in youth activities on nation-wide scale (Central CDC, Hi-5 Youths)
5. Clinch scholarship for Year 2007/2008
6. Build a team capable of challenging for top honours in the challenges we take up
7. Set KPIs for myself, and give myself weekly reviews
8. Learn to lead so that team members are satisfied, motivated and accomplish the work.
9. To meet 90% of all duties expected of me, which are to be clarified beforehand.
10. :D (1 personal goal for myself... say easy not easy, say hard not hard)

There's a difference in the style of my goals eh. May refine them in the future. Lalala...

There are many other things that I have to do, but let's just leave it at this. Or shall I? :D This year, I sure also complete at least 5 audio courses that I have. So there. Starting tomorrow. I dun wanna drag too much, since there are people whom are probably dying from reading this post. So I shall give them a break for now. But if I feel like doing it later, there might be more updates! :P

Remembering what life is.....
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